Discussion Poll: When you first had suicidal thoughts / actual plans, were your worried / frightened about them?

[Echo]

Nope, I was a teen and in a bad situation, I attempted and just went for it. SI kicked in when I started feeling really unwell and called for help

 

[Trakehner]

I was worried when it first started, but now thinking about/planning my suicide brings me solace in a manner that nothing else can.

 

[26mmmm]

I first had real suicidal thoughts only about 5 years ago and in the same time I started planing my method after personal life circumstances changed to the worse and it was clear to me that I may have to consider suicide to bring this to an end, should my situation not improve. I was never worried or frightend about that because to me it was always clear that suicide is an option I would take under certain circumstances.

What about you?

To me its something that has built up overtime, it started small so I didn't really worry about it at first, and as it built up I just got more and more used to it since it was gradual, I didn't just wake up one day and decide to commit suicide.
I am sad that it has come to this tho.

 

[walkingdead2023]

Yes I was very frightened my first thought was almost 10 years ago! I was only 13 I tried jumping in a small lake we have 2 miles away from home but my dad saved me and since then he's shadowing me like crazy but I was scared.. two months ago I turned shooting myself but couldn't do it I was so anxious and started shaking. Hopefully the 3d time is the last time and successful but I have to figure out a good plan. I'm not scared to die or after death but I think to kms is not as easy as I thought it would be..

 

[Aim]

Hounestsly, in my case, drowning in depression and the feeling of losing oneself I feel like was way scarier. I don't know if it was this frightening, since i could kinda sence that it would almost be impossible to beat the depression this time around. But after that, when the suicide thoughts started coming. It was more a huge relief.

 

[ObscureSunshine]

No.
It made perfect sense then & still does now.

One thing I am a stickler about every time I attempt is my why.

I try kill myself when I have decided I have had enough of going along with society.

Not when I am having financial hardship, being attacked, or struggling because of anything outside myself.

This is my f*@king life & I won't be run off when I really want to stay, while the pissants continue to live & experience the planet in this moment in time.

The more intense the external forces, the harder I dig in.

Having said that, the moments when my life is peaceful, joyfilled, etc is when I when I feel an overwhelming pull to leave...

I will say that recently(last 7ish years) there have been moments where I was struggling & the thought popped up, however it has been easy to dismiss the idea.

I know it may not make sense

 

[cold_severance]

didn't really care as a 10yo. its a logical way out of misery.

 

[Orange Cat]

I wasn't scared when the suicidal thoughts were passive. When I first realized that I was actually serious about ctb and started thinking of a plan, I was very distressed.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Bump! Maybe new users wanna vote and comment.

 

[deletedaccount30982]

I was 10, laying in bed trying to sleep before the first day of school. I kept thinking about stabbing myself in the chest with a kitchen knife. I was horrified. I didn't want to do it but felt so strongly compelled to. I cried and cried for hours before crawling into my mom's bed. I had already been depressed and self harming for about a year, but I had never been been suicidal before. It was beyond terrifying for such a young mind to try to comprehend. It wouldn't be long before the intrusive thoughts turned into a true desire to die though.

 

[rozeske]

I don't really remember the first ideations but being raised in religion, i probably considered it like something I wanted but couldn't have. Now that I have made a decision and accepted it as my last resort I very much feel at peace.

 

[Arachno]

As far as I can remember, I never really felt disturbed by thoughts of self-harming or killing myself, but the thought of what comes after death always kind of unsettled me.

 

[thepiecessatup]

I first had real suicidal thoughts only about 5 years ago and in the same time I started planing my method after personal life circumstances changed to the worse and it was clear to me that I may have to consider suicide to bring this to an end, should my situation not improve. I was never worried or frightend about that because to me it was always clear that suicide is an option I would take under certain circumstances.

What about you?

I'm in that situation now so, no, it doesn't frighten me. It's always been at the back of my mind "Oh, well, I can always kill myself". I have been researching for years but only the past few months have I become really fixed on it. Life changes have done that. Those mixed with lifelong depression and anxiety. A toxic combo, I guess. I wish I lived in Belgium where I could request euthanasia.

Planning and thinking about suicide calms me down and relaxes me wonderfully. Even initially, when I started getting serious about it, there was just relief that finally it would all be over.

100% in fact there have been the odd times when I didn't have suicidal ideation and actually felt worse.

 

[Felodese]

I was a around 11 and I vaguely remember being a bit scared when I realized my preoccupation with death came from wanting to die. But it might have been mostly a fear of dying, rather than being frightened by wanting to die...

 

[astonishedturnip]

Yes, I was 12 and was feeling that way because I was suffering extreme bullying. I wanted to escape my situation and also get back at my attackers in some way. It scared me to know I was capable of these thoughts... I still had things in life I enjoyed and I wanted to live.

Now... Meh. Whenever they come into my head I'm like "yoooooooooooooo"

 

[vitbar]

I was passively suicidal for so many years I can't even remember my first thoughts. I did become worried and then frightened when they started getting significantly more intense. Suicide had always seemed inevitable, but far off. As my mental health worsened it seemed closer than ever and there was a sense it was accelerating.

 

[voc_89]

for me it was comforting. I was 14 (i think) at the time. Just lost a parent to cancer. The bank was calling about overdue loans (tied to the house and medical bills), there was barely any food in the house, my last remaining parent was gone days at a time (out drinking or seeing people) leaving us with no money to go to school or get stuff for the house. Lol. It was bad. When it first dawned on me that I could escape this all once and for all it was eye opening. I felt at peace. However, my rough draft letter was found.... the rest well it goes as expected.