Discussion Polarized (Rant/what do you think)

[BetweenRadioStations]

I feel I live between radio stations as my name suggests. I know if I had a gun I could easily blow my head off yet a part of me says I couldn't. Both seem equally true although sometimes there appears to be a lean toward survival although it may just be in denial.

I don't want to die. Although I do. Self-harm makes me lust. I want to cut as a release but also as an impulse and purging aka vomiting doesn't fall far behind that impulse. I want blood but enough of it will lay me out due to nausea and over-saturation of colors.

Two years ago I was diagnosed with depression. Next year bipolar and I was hospitalized because something in my head told me that if I didn't go to the ER I was going to chase a bunch of Wellbutrin with antifreeze. This voice isn't external but due to earlier acts it's not negotiable. It's like a magnet and I'm the metal. I can claw the ground but I'll be dragged to the act.

This year around February 20th. The magic month for me for some unknown reason put my life got put on hold again. My lifes still on hold but thanks to my medication, although working less, it seems to be keeping me together.

I take lithium, thyroid, and Lamictal.

I found out recently that I'm also on the autism spectrum and have aspects of multiple personality disorder. My psychotherapist says im on the dissociative spectrum.

Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful for my experience and if it wasn't for my insight I'd be screwed but at the same time I feel I'm getting dragged through the mud progress aside. Three steps forward one step back I suppose.

I feel stuck yet not stuck. Suicidal yet not suicidal. Happy yet depressed and probably more. I live on both sides. I am on both sides. I am on all sides all the time. Thus the radio station metaphor.

I've had suicidal and self-harm ideation since 5th grade/11. I'm 24 now.

If it helps to have some extra context I have lived with my mom most of my life for ten plus years, she had a gas lightning husband, my ex-stepfather, and he groomed me, possibly gaslighted me, to think she was crazy.

I'm also in the process of fixing my temporal lobes through doing sessions in a hyperbaric oxygen chamber among other things. I'm not sure why they're damaged but it's good to know anyway.

I got a brain scan which is the reason we know all this. In addition to my temporal lobes, my brain activity scan is lit up like the fourth of July lol.

Thanks for listening to my rant. Any thoughts? Similar experiences? Etc?

 

[Makko]

The between radio stations situation seems characteristic of bipolar personality. A lot of bipolar posters here complain about similar things. The other stuff (depression, autism etc) are more unidirectional.

 

[BetweenRadioStations]

The between radio stations situation seems characteristic of bipolar personality. A lot of bipolar posters here complain about similar things. The other stuff (depression, autism etc) are more unidirectional.

Thanks for the input! This community seems pretty good from what I've seen so far. I'm super grateful.

The reason for the dissociative stuff is because I have one particular voice/"radio station" that has talked through me sometimes and taken over but I'm aware when it happens and still have some say.

Here's a poem I wrote that may help explain called, "she speaks for me."

She whispers
As I stare into the mirror
Up close
Close enough to almost fog the glass
And she says
As a lusty rush
Pulses through me
"I know what you want"
"I know what you want"
"I know what you want"
Prefaced by
The same feeling
Glancing at the razor
Glancing at myself
Glancing at the razor
Glancing at myself
Thinking of the razor blades
An arms reach away
In the medicine cabinet
And the blood
And the cuts
And yes...
Yes so much...
Next to me
I am not alone
I never am
But beautiful women need sleep
Manicures
And time to themselves
But in some way
She is always there
And when I'm alone
And she's active
And whispering in my ear
She speaks,
She speaks for me...

 

[timf]

hyperbaric oxygen chamber

I think I remember some testing I did with the Navy over 50 years ago. A decompression chamber was used to create 2 atmospheres of pressure on pure oxygen. We were in it for 30 minutes. I think more than that is toxic and they were testing to see what we could tolerate. If medical people are doing this it is probably safe, but I thought I would pass along the information sort of as an FYI.

self harm

Sometimes a person can experience anxiety such that thoughts and actions to generate a sense of control can be found that create a sense of relief. When these become reinforced and incorporated into one's life, they can be used as a sort of "go to" reflex to deal with various stresses. If this is something that has developed, it may be useful to experiment with how such a reflex pattern could be modified and an alternative (less harmful) pattern be established.

 

[BetweenRadioStations]

I got referred to use the chamber by the Amen Clinic but something to take into account. Thanks :)

How would I discover a reflex pattern? I wouldn't be surprised if a sense of control was a part of it.

I do have a psychotherapist specializing in the symptoms I have. Currently, we are doing parts work. I wouldn't be surprised if that came up.

 

[summers]

@BetweenRadioStations having a gun just gives you an option. If the time or situation isn't right, it's not a solution.

One good thing is you realize that your life/days have their ups and downs. Please keep that in mind when your are seriously considering ctb. Unlike many of us on ss, tomorrow may very well be better for you. And I truly hope it is :)

 

[BetweenRadioStations]

@BetweenRadioStations having a gun just gives you an option. If the time or situation isn't right, it's not a solution.

One good thing is you realize that your life/days have their ups and downs. Please keep that in mind when your are seriously considering ctb. Unlike many of us on ss, tomorrow may very well be better for you. And I truly hope it is :)

Thanks. A lot of it is impulse. It's not necessarily that I want to as much as if I'm being pulled to and sometimes that force is hard to resist.