Venting (Please take a moment and give feedback) I constantly think i am not trying hard enough

[meatballlover]

I am stressed all the time and my life doesnt reach high qualities, that i dont doubt. But I often think to myself that I am just too lazy to recover. Like sure, I was in the nuthouse once, I go to therapies all the time but like did I really make an effort? I dont talk about my suicide with my therapist for obvious reasons but what i CAN blame myself for however is how I always just observe and never make effort to actually get better. Like sure, my therapist offered me quite questionable advice most of the time, for example she advised to me that during crisis I think of things that i could be grateful for. (But the "others have it worse" really does not make me feel any better with all due respect). My big obstacle is that suicide is the easy solution but I barely stop to think of other solutions. You know why? Well for one death sounds peaceful, and the other reason is i do not like my enviroment and I simply havent felt any happiness in over 7 months. All my "friends" gave up on me, I even lost a person that basically used to be my life support and with all this haunting past (and boring present + pessimistic future from my point of view) I have absolutely no interest in living considering I never feel happy and death sounds so nice to me.
One of my biggest setbacks about my planned ctb is me being found/attempt failing AND me having to explain everything to my parents. Like I really dont want to have that talk for the love of god. I am in a state where upcoming stress = uncomfortable and uncomfortable = death because its easy and peaceful. But I KNOW that is a wrong way to think about this.
So basically I am currently living for:
-others
-fear of a failed attempt
-fear of others finding out about my suffering
-a glimpse of self doubt

If you read all this you are really sweet, and you'd be even sweeter if you gave me your opinion on all this (Feel free to be unfiltered and honest)

 

[U. A.]

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[UserFromNowhere]

Honestly, what I think a lot of the population doesn't understand is how persistent the depression and suicidal ideation is. You can try to shift your thinking through CBT or DBT, you can try to "feel better" and engage with activities that bring you some entertainment, but for me, it lingers as a thought no matter what I try to do. I don't think that it will ever matter how "well" I'm doing, the thought will always persist, and people outside of this site just cannot understand that. And it's not that the thought lingers because I spend time on this site either, I've taken breaks from this site, whether intentionally or due to the site being down, and the thought is consistent and even gets worse when I'm not able to access this site. I've been on medication, in therapy, listened and heard the therapist and tried in some regard, even if it wasn't as "hard" as I could've tried, to implement their advice in my life. But it just hasn't helped, and I think to a certain extent, everyone that's gone through therapy has tried. Whether it's helped or not is something completely different, but they have tried, just the act of going to therapy and talking about your problems is trying to change your circumstances. Unfortunately, it doesn't work for everyone, and we just have to deal with that.

 

[meatballlover]

[Hidden content]

Fair point about that. I guess what i meant is that I basically seek the S word automatically whenever something is challenging which doesnt seem right