Venting please please let today be the day I die

[kunikuzushi]

please I can't take it anymore. the loneliness already makes me want to die as it is. but then I have to go and get deeply attached and obssessed with someone who doesn't give a shit about me. I'm fucking creepy. I was playing it off as play flirting as I do with my online friends who are ok with it. but now I had an opportunity to be friends with this person I've idealized in my mind and I had to go and fuck it up. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think they hate me now and it's making me want to put an end to this 15 year long suicidal journey. you could say it's because of this person or you could say I've just had enough. it's the same pattern over and over. why do I get obsessed with people? I'm sick of it
I can't eat I can't sleep I feel like I'm gonna throw up all the time. why can't I just will myself to die? I don't have any materials. my roommate took my SN a few years ago and hid it and I have no idea where it is

 

[pompompurin]

Hey I'm so sorry about your situation and about the SN, I feel like even if you would find it it wouldn't be really useable mainly because it has lost its potency if it wasn't properly sealed

 

[kunikuzushi]

Hey I'm so sorry about your situation and about the SN, I feel like even if you would find it it wouldn't be really useable mainly because it has lost its potency if it wasn't properly sealed

thank you dearly. I never opened the container, but it might have been about 3 years since I bought it

 

[pompompurin]

thank you dearly. I never opened the container, but it might have been about 3 years since I bought it

Oh Im not sure if the factory seal would help with this long of a time frame, although who knows maybe I'm wrong

 

[EmpathyMinded]

I've been where you are. When you are lonely it's natural to want to place hope in a single person who could pull us out. It's a beautiful thing to imagine. Yeah, it isn't the healthiest maybe, but it's understandable why it happens. Don't beat yourself up about it, seriously.

Ditto on the flirting thing. I get feeling self conscious about failing but almost nobody starts off smooth. It just takes practice. You gotta see it not as you're failing, but that you're learning. Just like any other skill, it takes time to get proficient.

You seem like a passionate person and someone will appreciate it. And maybe things won't work out with that person even, but then someone else will. I'm not saying that's a good enough reason to live, only you can decide that. But it is a statement of fact: the bad is always becoming good, then bad again. You just gotta decide if you're down with riding that wave.

If you plan to keep riding it, I'm here to talk. You seem like you have a good heart and mean well. You deserve to have support and get past this if that's what you want.

 

[kunikuzushi]

I've been where you are. When you are lonely it's natural to want to place hope in a single person who could pull us out. It's a beautiful thing to imagine. Yeah, it isn't the healthiest maybe, but it's understandable why it happens. Don't beat yourself up about it, seriously.

Ditto on the flirting thing. I get feeling self conscious about failing but almost nobody starts off smooth. It just takes practice. You gotta see it not as you're failing, but that you're learning. Just like any other skill, it takes time to get proficient.

You seem like a passionate person and someone will appreciate it. And maybe things won't work out with that person even, but then someone else will. I'm not saying that's a good enough reason to live, only you can decide that. But it is a statement of fact: the bad is always becoming good, then bad again. You just gotta decide if you're down with riding that wave.

If you plan to keep riding it, I'm here to talk. You seem like you have a good heart and mean well. You deserve to have support and get past this if that's what you want.

Thank you kind stranger and I'm sorry you've been in this kind of situation. It really is a beautiful thing to imagine someone pulling you out of this, and I keep trying to force myself not to but that's not working out so well. So thank you for telling me not to beat myself up.

I feel I've mastered the skill of making friends as much as I need to. But this is sadly more about me needing to control expressing my absolute infatuation with someone a few days after I meet them. it's ridiculous. like a compulsion I can't stop.

And thank you for your kind words. I'm not sure if I want to continue riding this wave. It's torture. But I keep staying. Partly out of fear of death and partly because I'm still hopeful that something amazing will happen to me and I'll be like "yes this was so worth staying alive for." But the funny thing yesterday I was rolling around my bed so happy about my new friendship and thinking I actually want to be alive. and then it comes crashing down and at this point I have no idea if it's worth torturing myself like this anymore. This is how my life is and probably will always be.

Thank you so much for listening and for the support

 

[ikadasui]

please I can't take it anymore. the loneliness already makes me want to die as it is. but then I have to go and get deeply attached and obssessed with someone who doesn't give a shit about me. I'm fucking creepy. I was playing it off as play flirting as I do with my online friends who are ok with it. but now I had an opportunity to be friends with this person I've idealized in my mind and I had to go and fuck it up. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think they hate me now and it's making me want to put an end to this 15 year long suicidal journey. you could say it's because of this person or you could say I've just had enough. it's the same pattern over and over. why do I get obsessed with people? I'm sick of it
I can't eat I can't sleep I feel like I'm gonna throw up all the time. why can't I just will myself to die? I don't have any materials. my roommate took my SN a few years ago and hid it and I have no idea where it is

Why do you think you ruined it first off? Explain what happened and I can maybe give you an outsiders perspective, which at the very least could ease your mind if but a little.

 

[kunikuzushi]

Why do you think you ruined it first off? Explain what happened and I can maybe give you an outsiders perspective, which at the very least could ease your mind if but a little.

Thank you for offering your outsiders perspective. This person and I are in a discord server. I said "_____ hmu romantically" as a joke, but I was talking about a group of people that obviously included this person. they didn't reply directly to that but shortly after asked if anyone wanted to roleplay. I said I wanted to. They DMed me. We talked casually and roleplayed the past two days. But yesterday I was too tired to write so I complimented the last thing they wrote, said I would reply tomorrow with hearts, said goodnight, sent them cute fanart of the couple we're roleplaying and said for you. then today they did not reply to anything I said but talked in the server and I feel like a creep. so I'm just gonna continue the roleplay I guess. I still think they hate me

 

[Never Alive]

The loneliness is killing me on the inside as well.

The loneliness is killing me on the inside as well.

Depending on what happens in the next few days I will decide if I should just ctb and never look back.

 

[outrider567]

Loneliness and Loss has devastated my life

 

[Vizzy]

Thank you for offering your outsiders perspective. This person and I are in a discord server. I said "_____ hmu romantically" as a joke, but I was talking about a group of people that obviously included this person. they didn't reply directly to that but shortly after asked if anyone wanted to roleplay. I said I wanted to. They DMed me. We talked casually and roleplayed the past two days. But yesterday I was too tired to write so I complimented the last thing they wrote, said I would reply tomorrow with hearts, said goodnight, sent them cute fanart of the couple we're roleplaying and said for you. then today they did not reply to anything I said but talked in the server and I feel like a creep. so I'm just gonna continue the roleplay I guess. I still think they hate me

I would say try to get real connection from someone who live around you and who you can see in real life, connecting with people online is okay but don't put your entire trust on that

I have met a lot of good people from online but it will eventually fade away, you move on and they move on so as long as you don't see them in person it is not be a long term thing

Finally you never know who that person is really unless you meet them in real life which can be tricky so try to connect with people in real life, school or university!

 

[kunikuzushi]

The loneliness is killing me on the inside as well.

Depending on what happens in the next few days I will decide if I should just ctb and never look back.

same. I'm sorry you have to deal with this horrible pain of loneliess

Loneliness and Loss has devastated my life

I'm sorry you're also feeling this painful loneliness and loss and I hope you find comfort in something small soon

I would say try to get real connection from someone who live around you and who you can see in real life, connecting with people online is okay but don't put your entire trust on that

I have met a lot of good people from online but it will eventually fade away, you move on and they move on so as long as you don't see them in person it is not be a long term thing

Finally you never know who that person is really unless you meet them in real life which can be tricky so try to connect with people in real life, school or university!

ehh well I don't need a long term thing. I'm not gonna be alive for much longer. and I've had friends for many many years online. they're still real people. and lol I'm in too much mental pain to seek friends out in real life. I can barely take care of my daily needs.

 

[ikadasui]

Thank you for offering your outsiders perspective. This person and I are in a discord server. I said "_____ hmu romantically" as a joke, but I was talking about a group of people that obviously included this person. they didn't reply directly to that but shortly after asked if anyone wanted to roleplay. I said I wanted to. They DMed me. We talked casually and roleplayed the past two days. But yesterday I was too tired to write so I complimented the last thing they wrote, said I would reply tomorrow with hearts, said goodnight, sent them cute fanart of the couple we're roleplaying and said for you. then today they did not reply to anything I said but talked in the server and I feel like a creep. so I'm just gonna continue the roleplay I guess. I still think they hate me

Honestly I think you're way over thinking it. You're RPing as a couple anyway, yeah? I don't think it's out of bounds and doesn't sound malicious or too invasive. Also RPing I believe you have to be in the head space for as that's a lot of writing and maybe they were having a long day or not in the mood. I'm also an anxious person and constantly have to have people remind me I jump to code red far too soon and looking it at it like this is a cold cut slice of what I do. Patience and just talk normally in the server for now, but I think you're fine.

 

[sheleftme1]

Honestly you sound like someone with BPD(nor some personality disorder) and I have it too. It is why I'm suicidal as well and I have a pattern and this time is the last straw with this current situation and this woman that I loved deeply choosing to feel I wasn't enough. I'll say this… sometimes the person you think doesn't love you or you messed up isn't thinking as much as you do about it. And I hope this is the case for you. I hope they come back and reconcile because nobody deserves to feel suicidal and if this is your over the line moment with this person I hope you find the peace you need to not let it be the thing. However my advice is if they do come back in your life to learn to manage your emotional attachment and not be as intense as your actual feelings are because admittedly it causes you to push people away not because ur not great to them but your reactions in times of duress causes the situation to explode. That's me… I was great when there was not an issue between us but because I cared too much my reaction was not well thought out. It's hard and I don't know how you get there but I wish you well and hope you get a second chance because everyone wants that chance more than anything.

 

[kunikuzushi]

Honestly I think you're way over thinking it. You're RPing as a couple anyway, yeah? I don't think it's out of bounds and doesn't sound malicious or too invasive. Also RPing I believe you have to be in the head space for as that's a lot of writing and maybe they were having a long day or not in the mood. I'm also an anxious person and constantly have to have people remind me I jump to code red far too soon and looking it at it like this is a cold cut slice of what I do. Patience and just talk normally in the server for now, but I think you're fine.

Thanks for helping me calm down about it. I know I'm overthinking it A LOT. But I don't trust myself to judge things like this positively or negatively. So I just freak out and feel pain. But thank you a lot, I'll try to be patient and see what happens.

 

[Pengu]

please I can't take it anymore. the loneliness already makes me want to die as it is. but then I have to go and get deeply attached and obssessed with someone who doesn't give a shit about me. I'm fucking creepy. I was playing it off as play flirting as I do with my online friends who are ok with it. but now I had an opportunity to be friends with this person I've idealized in my mind and I had to go and fuck it up. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think they hate me now and it's making me want to put an end to this 15 year long suicidal journey. you could say it's because of this person or you could say I've just had enough. it's the same pattern over and over. why do I get obsessed with people? I'm sick of it
I can't eat I can't sleep I feel like I'm gonna throw up all the time. why can't I just will myself to die? I don't have any materials. my roommate took my SN a few years ago and hid it and I have no idea where it is

Hey I have been in your situation before, I know it hurts a lot but u will get better and over it trust me. I used to cry everyday too. I tried distracting myself as much as possible and tho I stopped crying I felt empty and lonely as I didn't have any friends to talk to at that time. But it started getting better, I am still in the process of moving on but I know that I will be OK. Just give yourself some time and don't blame yourself for messing up it only makes everything more painful. I wish u all the best in whatever choice u make. Have a great day/night dear.

 

[kunikuzushi]

Honestly you sound like someone with BPD(nor some personality disorder) and I have it too. It is why I'm suicidal as well and I have a pattern and this time is the last straw with this current situation and this woman that I loved deeply choosing to feel I wasn't enough. I'll say this… sometimes the person you think doesn't love you or you messed up isn't thinking as much as you do about it. And I hope this is the case for you. I hope they come back and reconcile because nobody deserves to feel suicidal and if this is your over the line moment with this person I hope you find the peace you need to not let it be the thing. However my advice is if they do come back in your life to learn to manage your emotional attachment and not be as intense as your actual feelings are because admittedly it causes you to push people away not because ur not great to them but your reactions in times of duress causes the situation to explode. That's me… I was great when there was not an issue between us but because I cared too much my reaction was not well thought out. It's hard and I don't know how you get there but I wish you well and hope you get a second chance because everyone wants that chance more than anything.

Yes I haven't been officially diagnosed with BPD, but my past therapist told me I definitely have a cluster B personality disorder but we couldn't decide on one because the symptoms really overlap. I've been reading a lot about how to manage it. Although I've cut down extremely/almost completely on hurting other people due to my extreme emotions over the years, instead it's going all inward and I have no idea what to do. I thought I improved a lot but I had actually just been isolating myself. I'm still the same or worse with my obsessive feelings for people.

I don't want to manage my poor attachment style.....I really don't. because when I try, I have healthy respectful relationships with people but they feel so bland that I just stop talking to them. Thank you for your kind words, and thank you for understanding what I'm going through. I'm really sorry you're suicidal because of similar feelings. It is truly a pain I can't even describe. I hope you find a little comfort today

Hey I have been in your situation before, I know it hurts a lot but u will get better and over it trust me. I used to cry everyday too. I tried distracting myself as much as possible and tho I stopped crying I felt empty and lonely as I didn't have any friends to talk to at that time. But it started getting better, I am still in the process of moving on but I know that I will be OK. Just give yourself some time and don't blame yourself for messing up it only makes everything more painful. I wish u all the best in whatever choice u make. Have a great day/night dear.

Thank you for the kind words. I hope you heal quickly and well from what you're going through too. You're right, you'll be ok. I hope I'll get through this but if not it's ok too. Thank you and have a wonderful day/night too!!

 

[FuneralCry]

It's very much understandable wishing to be free from all the suffering that existing brings, I find it horrible how we exist in a world where there isn't the option to just peacefully and easily end our existence. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[kunikuzushi]

It's very much understandable wishing to be free from all the suffering that existing brings, I find it horrible how we exist in a world where there isn't the option to just peacefully and easily end our existence. But anyway I wish you the best.

Thank you. Yes I find it horrible and terrifying too to not have that option for a peaceful end. I hope you get through things as peacefully as possible

 

[kunikuzushi]

holy shit they told me they love me hahahahahahhahaa this is for sure gonna be the reason I kill myself when they leave