Discussion Planning to Ctb in 2 weeks/ The countdown begins.

[Blueberry Panic]

I've had so many different attempts , so many failures with ... the very few successful attempts I was saved from . I've learned from it all and reevaluated what I was doing wrong.

You don't ever want to fail... because it's always a endless cycle of being forced to get hospitalized in a psych ward ... and you don't want that...
Tired of being mistreated because of my scizoaffective disorder and bpd ... tired of the overwhelming severe depression... tired of my suicidal ideation... I'm just tired of life.

...i have lost everything this year... I've lost all my friends both from suicide and from .... being me, I lost one of the best partners I've ever had...
I knew that when she did it that I wouldn't be able to recover like I usually do... that this was going to be my final push to end things .
From her loss and being cut off from my friend group completely, I really don't see any point in forcing myself to keep living. I want to find my peace and rest where all the people I've actually loved are... even if nothing is on the otherside. Anything is better than living in this hell I've created for myself here.

 

[darksouls]

peace to you

 

[kuroshimi]

Sorry that you experienced such things. Wishing you peaceful journey.

 

[nobodycaresaboutme]

I'm really sorry for what you're experiencing. At least it's so lucky that you survived many attempts without apparent physical damage. I hope you finally find your peace.

Spoiler: unsolicited assumption

Previously I told that I want to talk about your background of CTB attempts. And this reply is it. It's just an assumption. I apologize for my rudeness in advance.

Considering that you've made no less than 63 attempts, it seems for me you are trapped in the spiral of Factitious disorder imposed on self. In short perhaps you're coping through trying CTB and hurting yourself. I felt really strange when all the SN/KN you took were fake or of low quality, and when the CO attempt you'd prepared materials without calculating the required amount of charcoal and time.

Additionally I'm concerned that fear and skepticism on the methods you tried and failed spread over members. In facts, some members are worried about the SN/KN source credibility or the substance purity or method itself in your goodbye/failure threads.

These are why I dare to tell this risking your hurt. Please do not be defensive. I'm trying to be good not only for SaSu but also for you, even if my assuption may turn out to be totally wrong.

On top of that I'm really worried your next attempt ends up damaging you but keeping you alive. CTB attempts are essentially dangerous and can make your life much worse. I gently advise against it unless you really understand the protocol and are convinced enough to suppress SI. Whatever you decide I hope you're released from all the suffering.

 

[dalemar]

I hope you find your peace.
Will you be using SN?