Planning Stage Before Ending Myself ™️

[Sleeper System]

The first concern I have is my job. It's really the only thing that I have because all I do is work then come straight home. It has allowed me to survive and pay for what little I have. Including the very phone im using now and the roof over my head. I think I should put in my two weeks notice and leave on good terms incase something should go wrong and I have to return to the life I had. It's just a regular retail job nothing special but I've put 16 years of my life into it and I feel like it's the only thing I can do that doesn't require me to think. I can do it on autopilot is what I mean to say. Being able to go back isn't guaranteed but its a union job so my chances are fair. I guess. It's a difficult thing to let go of because it's my only anchor to survival. When I quit ill be dipping into my life savings which if you saw it you would laugh. After doing the math it would keep a roof over my head and bills paid for a minimum of 6 months. Maybe less. In that time id spend a great deal of it in bed crying and mourning my choice to have to ctb. I would also be on here deep diving trying to find my real no bs method of choice. I'm leaning towards drugs or fire arms but I think my options will be limited since im in the worst state when it comes to both those options.

Then my next concern would be my possessions. I want to return money to my mom that belongs to her that I hold in my account for emergencies. About 10k. Sadly, I don't think i'l be able to leave her anything else since what is left will go to my final days. I want to leave my car to my brother as a gift since I own it outright and will have to include him in that process. All the while lying to everyone about why im doing what im doing. Other then that i'll plan to send text messages to a few close friends and letters to mom and brother. Try to explain myself somehow. I have other things that I will either try to sell or gift away. I will leave a note for my landlord because I dont plan on spending my last days removing my stuff from my place so it will be something they or my family will have to deal with.

Right now that is all that I've got. If anyone has any opinions about this or any thoughts please cmnt or dm me.

 

[badatparties]

I've seen some of your posts on here. What's your main reason for wanting to CTB, anything specific, or just life in general.

 

[Sleeper System]

I've seen some of your posts on here. What's your main reason for wanting to CTB, anything specific, or just life in general.

I guess the main reasons is dread about the future. Having to come to terms with the reality that i'm never going to be anything more than what I currently am. I don't have the will to change. To fight or struggle anymore. I'm a weak man. A coward not willing to endure this world. A spoiled child of a first world society. Crying and complaining like there aren't places in the world where people are so fucked they don't even have time to consider suicide because they dont even know where their next meal is coming from. I think I will be alone for the remainder of my life as well. I dont even care about me. How could I care about anyone else? Who would want someone like this? I know I wouldn't want someone like me. there are so many reasons but those are a few. I have deeply and profoundly considered all these things and my conclusion is im just delaying the inevitable.

 

[ilovenewyork]

Why don't you take what little you have been able to save and get on a plane someplace sunny? Worst case you'll have an adventure and some fun experiences. But maybe you can start a new life for yourself where everything is new and fresh

 

[Sleeper System]

Places have never effected my depression positively because it's all in my head. Never been the type to find comfort in a sun set or a warm climate. It's not me. And what you're describing is a vacation and I don't believe in those. Just another temporary escape that brings you back to where you started.

 

[ilovenewyork]

You could just disappear and start a new life. What have you got to lose?

 

[Sleeper System]

You could just disappear and start a new life. What have you got to lose?

What is a new life? No matter what you still have to work to maintain it. Still have to support yourself financially. It's not a question of location. I have no skills or trade craft that I can navigate around with. I would end up in the same situation but in a different place. Not worth it.

 

[ilovenewyork]

So you move again and again until something sticks. Just a backpack and a laptop. There's always opportunities, and life gets more interesting

Or how about going back to college as a mature student?