W
waitpresence
Member
- Dec 1, 2019
- 15
Exhausted and no one to talk to. I've been treading water for years. Really trying for months, weeks, I guess. Really really really trying. To be normal enough to not want to end my life. I think I am ready to call it quits. I need a hotel room, a suitable rope, and a pull up bar, I'm assuming. I'm really afraid of using a weak structure to tie the rope onto and failing. I need to get close to it. I need to be in a hotel room alone and drunk with everything set up. I need to get close to it even if I don't do it. I need to see what happens. I can't take my life anymore. Everyone is driving me insane because they can't or won't understand. I can't be in this much pain anymore. I am entirely overstimulated and stranded and isolated. I would really like to attempt within the next few days. I always want to, I got a hotel room for it once, but I've always been too depressed/lazy/afraid/I don't even know what to actually buy the stuff. I guess it doesn't help that I'm poor. Spending this money seems like a big "investment" if I don't go through with it, even though its just a couple hundred dollars. I just need one night in a room and whiskey. I am unraveling. I consider doing it or not doing it or whatever or going to the hospital after if I don't. But the hospitals here are terrible, I've been, you're better off fighting all on your own. I have been living and fighting and just barely surviving all on my own. I can't explain this to anyone, I don't think they even want to hear. Just im sorrys and please don't do its. I need to avoid my friends. I can't talk to them because all I want to talk about is my plan and my urges and how badly I need out. I've still been not self harming, somehow. It's all I want. I need to feel pain. I can't talk to them because I don't want to fuck them up even more if I end up doing it. If I let it slip all these insane depressing things they would be stuck with. And they will deter me from accomplishing it, which will just leave me back in the same tired position again. I can't be in pain anymore.