Venting Plan coming together

[HopeIsALie]

I find it comforting that I'm finally piecing together a plan. I told my therapist (another stupid mistake) that even if I don't think I will commit suicide or don't intend to, just knowing I could or that I have access to doing it makes me feel more secure. Of course, now I do intend to and I am so glad things are coming together. I found a nice, painless, calm method and I have some ideas on location. I was thinking a cheap hotel/motel for privacy and not worrying about being "saved," or somewhere on campus in the woods/forest at night. I want to watch some comfort videos on my computer and drift off, not that it matters but I was thinking watching CoryxKenshin now that he's posting again (yay!), or maybe a show. I just want to go, I'm so tired of this, of everything, of the delusion that things could ever be okay. I want to have a choice, but I want it to be peaceful, I don't want pain, fear, suffering, or misery... especially not as my last moments. I just wish I didn't have to go alone, I wish I didn't have to be alone at all but here we are. I at least want to be at peace, calm, happy. I don't know if this is normal but I wish I could have someone there to hold me, rub my chest, comfort me, let me know it's going to be okay and to help me with it. Not only to not go alone but to share my last moments in the company of someone who cares. I don't know, I'm probably weird. If you made it this far, thank you for your time. <3

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand feeling so tired of it all, I hope you find the peace you search for, I wish you the best.