picking date when method is readily available

[eggsausagerice]

i have someone's birthday coming up next week and my own birthday 2 days after that. i also want to get a haircut, because i've been avoiding going to the hair salon when my parents just make me go to great clips and i get fucked up by people that don't know how to cut my hair.

i have all of this stuff, but i also just don't care and want to uber in the middle of the night to do it because i feel like no one really cares about me. it's been on my mind a lot and i don't really have a way to stop thinking about it. it's the thing that's been making me the most suicidal recently, because i have so much time to think about all the people i don't talk to anymore. i can't reach out to them again because there legitimately isn't anything i want to send them. the only thing i want them to read from me is my suicide note, because there isn't a way to salvage my relationships with them. any new or current relationships i have feel like they're bound to end eventually.

i'm also thinking about how in my other thread i don't have enough money to book a hotel for myself (probably won't be able to get that much in the first place), so i could get a tent to die in. i've been trying to think about that too. i always figured that i'd just huddle somewhere in the dark, but i guess a tent would be nice. i don't know if i would also need a sleeping bag. i've also thought about dying in a park bathroom, but i don't know if it'll be open once i'm there after hours. i just feel like i don't want to be here because i feel so down about things right now. there's things that make me happy and things i enjoy doing, but doing anything also just feels like a big chore. i want to get out and move because being in my room makes me really anxious, but once i get outside, what am i really able to do besides loop around my neighborhood because i don't know how to drive? everything feels more restrictive and isolating when i think about how small my world really is compared to other people.

it's just very lonely to be alive while waiting to die. a good day still makes me feel alone because i'll have to keep in mind that i'll have to say goodbye to everyone soon. there isn't many people in my life that care about me and the people that do aren't able to free up a lot of time to see me. i just feel afraid that i "should" be killing myself sooner, even though death is the same no matter which day i do it. i've been wanting to do it for so long and i've made sure to get everything ready, but i'm still trying to not fuck things up for other people. i thought my schedule would be free in april, but i still have things to do. it feels like i'm putting a lot of effort into puppeteering my own corpse, rather than checking off the things i still need to do.

 

[Eazy]

I hope you have fun at the parties. I definitely relate to feeling stuck in my room, but going out theres really not much to do if you can't drive lol. It seems like you have atleast a little love in your life if people are inviting you to their birthday, so thats good (: I enjoy reading your posts so i hope things get better for you not worse

 

[eggsausagerice]

I hope you have fun at the parties. I definitely relate to feeling stuck in my room, but going out theres really not much to do if you can't drive lol. It seems like you have atleast a little love in your life if people are inviting you to their birthday, so thats good (: I enjoy reading your posts so i hope things get better for you not worse

@chudcell your username in the reactions made me laugh. i love any username with chud in it

honestly, nothing's been planned for either of our parties, so i don't feel that enthused about it still. i'm actually really bummed that i'm going to live to see my next birthday when i felt like i had such a staunch option on me thinking that i'd kill myself before it because i don't think i deserve to be alive. things have been hard for me even though i've been trying to spend less time on sasu to avoid ruminating. but knowing how detached i am from a person's "normal" mood and that i usually experience a slurry of despair, anger, and isolation in between distractions or dissociation makes me feel lonely. i still can't fit in or be like everyone else, even though i want to be. yesterday night i was up until 5 am again rewriting and rereading my sui note to one of my friends i cut ties with and i cried even though i didn't expect to.

i kind of wish i was the misanthropic loner i used to be in high schooler. i'm much softer and contemplative than i was back then. i know i'm going to die mostly because of how low i've been feeling on a daily basis and that most of the people i rely on for support will move away and leave me. this has always been the year i expected myself to do it, if i wasn't going to do it last year. i appreciate the people that like reading my posts, but i really just want a way to stop feeling so miserable. i can't feel happy if i know that everyone's still going to leave me. i don't have a way to express that i'll never be able to progress in life they way they can either. i feel bad that i'll never be able to talk about how i really feel until they see my sui note. i don't have anyone i feel like i could actually turn to, because being honest would only stress out or depress the people in my life and i'll just see that it's better to say quiet about sui ideation. i don't know how to stop feeling so anxious and wanting to pace at night because i have so much to think about. the anxiety just makes me think about attempting more.