wishingonstars
Student
- Aug 6, 2025
- 102
I have been planning for two things, one I have been trying to take the steps to get help. I am already seeing and therapist and on meds but help in my case would be going on FMLA, reducing my work hours, and then when I sort through all the logistical nonsense admitting myself into a residential treatment program (not hospital!)
At the same time I have started planning to ctb, I am planning both at once because I absolutely hate the feeling of being backed into a corner with no way out. One way out is nice but two possible ways out is much better in case one doesn't work out.
That being said I started thinking about ctb dates and I wanted it to probably be in the next month or 6ish weeks, however I realized that next month is the birthday of a close family member and the month after is the birthday of another close family member. My only opportunity before December then being next weekend because I do not want to ruin either family members birthday/birthday month. I will not be ready by next weekend though, both logistically (letters, unofficial will, note or video for police stating it was a suicide not homicide, all the supplies gathered for my main method and also my backup method.) and mentally (I want to die badly but I'm not prepared for it to happen so soon)
December isn't bad, Christmas is my worst trauma anniversary so it would be kind of fitting in a way. I hate Christmas and December in general so I wouldn't mind it, I would ctb early December as to try not to ruin Christmas too much for family and friends though. The only issue is that December feels SO FAR away.
I'm also a bit scared that before December I will have gotten into a program and I don't know if this makes sense to anyone but I don't really want to get better, I'm worried that things will improve enough that I will no longer be actively suicidal but things will still be bad enough that I won't really enjoy life either. Plus always inevitably things swing back down to where I am now. I cannot keep doing the get a little better to make it through to the next crisis, and then crisis - adjust meds and get into some sort of intensive therapy program or inpatient to make things just okay enough to keep going but still be somewhat miserable and repeat forever the pattern forever.
Maybe it's worth it to not put my close family and friends through the pain of losing me but at what point does my own unbearable pain matter? Why is it impossible for people to just want what is best for me even if it means losing me. And maybe I'm a hypocrite, I could not handle if some of the people in my life chose that route but I think even through the grief I could understand they were now at peace.
I think I will just try to iron out all the details to make it a smooth ctb, try to make it less hard on my family with good notes, try to make sure my methods are foolproof so I don't fail. It just seems so far away. I also am upset that I will probably be going to a program first because it will eat away most of my saving which I was hoping could go towards my younger siblings college tuition. I'm not sure what I have left will even cover the death services. I think I've got a small life insurance policy through work but I've heard suicide doesn't always count as a death they will pay out for.
At the same time I have started planning to ctb, I am planning both at once because I absolutely hate the feeling of being backed into a corner with no way out. One way out is nice but two possible ways out is much better in case one doesn't work out.
That being said I started thinking about ctb dates and I wanted it to probably be in the next month or 6ish weeks, however I realized that next month is the birthday of a close family member and the month after is the birthday of another close family member. My only opportunity before December then being next weekend because I do not want to ruin either family members birthday/birthday month. I will not be ready by next weekend though, both logistically (letters, unofficial will, note or video for police stating it was a suicide not homicide, all the supplies gathered for my main method and also my backup method.) and mentally (I want to die badly but I'm not prepared for it to happen so soon)
December isn't bad, Christmas is my worst trauma anniversary so it would be kind of fitting in a way. I hate Christmas and December in general so I wouldn't mind it, I would ctb early December as to try not to ruin Christmas too much for family and friends though. The only issue is that December feels SO FAR away.
I'm also a bit scared that before December I will have gotten into a program and I don't know if this makes sense to anyone but I don't really want to get better, I'm worried that things will improve enough that I will no longer be actively suicidal but things will still be bad enough that I won't really enjoy life either. Plus always inevitably things swing back down to where I am now. I cannot keep doing the get a little better to make it through to the next crisis, and then crisis - adjust meds and get into some sort of intensive therapy program or inpatient to make things just okay enough to keep going but still be somewhat miserable and repeat forever the pattern forever.
Maybe it's worth it to not put my close family and friends through the pain of losing me but at what point does my own unbearable pain matter? Why is it impossible for people to just want what is best for me even if it means losing me. And maybe I'm a hypocrite, I could not handle if some of the people in my life chose that route but I think even through the grief I could understand they were now at peace.
I think I will just try to iron out all the details to make it a smooth ctb, try to make it less hard on my family with good notes, try to make sure my methods are foolproof so I don't fail. It just seems so far away. I also am upset that I will probably be going to a program first because it will eat away most of my saving which I was hoping could go towards my younger siblings college tuition. I'm not sure what I have left will even cover the death services. I think I've got a small life insurance policy through work but I've heard suicide doesn't always count as a death they will pay out for.
