Venting Perfect time to ctb but somehow can't bring myself to

[Notaclockiswear]

Sorry for this long vent, I just need to get this outta my head. I literally have the SN right in the closet and could easily just do it already but I just can't bring myself to. I guess it's the slight uncertainty of what could happen or the permanence of it all. I'm tired of being here but I still care for my family and don't want to scar them. Even worse, if I somehow survive and have to hear my mother crying and screaming and then being taken to a hospital and potentially a ward which I've never been to and having to deal with all the questions and the looks from my family. I also don't wanna do it in my grandma's bathroom (our house burned down so we're currently staying w my gma until it can be rebuilt), but I really don't wanna deal with anymore shit. Literally anytime the weather isn't perfectly clear and sunny, I just freak out and think bad weather could happen. Ever since last year when we had a bunch of tornado warnings and shit weather (especially around this time of the year), I couldn't function normally anymore. If I see any storm clouds I'll go in the bathroom like some scared dog and blast music into my ears and hope for the best. I really don't wanna live this way anymore but I can't bring myself to just drink the fucking cure to it all. I feel so useless compared to my friends who have jobs and cars and their own money meanwhile I'm here, 18 years old depressed and anxiety-ridden with zero source of income. I don't even know how to drive a car, and certainly don't have the social skills to work at some shitty job. I just wish someone could take me away and I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore. Anytime I feel ready to ctb, my brain is like "well let's just wait n see how I feel later" and then the feeling repeats itself. Sometimes I really hate my free-will. It'd be a lot easier if it was quicker and if someone would do it to me so my family wouldn't feel like they did something wrong which lead to my death, or if I could do it somewhere where they would never find me. And how fun is it that while I typed this my grandma knocked on the door and worriedly asked me was I okay. Fuck.
Nvm I took the sn

 

[jodes2]

I'm sorry you're suffering. I hope you don't CTB, you're so young still! But I understand if you do. I hope you give life a bit more of a chance

 

[actual_fox]

Nvm I took the sn

Are you with us? Are you still alive? Hello???

 

[boristafar]

I think most people can relate to this. At any age. Meaning the myth of "you will grow out of it" will soon turn into, "You're an adult now so take responsibility". This the same line of logic they use when meds don't work instead of saying, the meds don't work. And for a lot of people, they don't work. Imagine spending life in jail or in a wheelchair. Just knowing those are possibilities for just about anyone seems like a fate worse than death. I'm glad I have the freedom only wish I had more courage.

 

[FuneralCry]

Your feelings of wishing to leave are understandable, I get that it's hard to carry on existing when you feel so tired of everything and wish to be gone. I hope that you found the freedom that you were looking for.

 

[AloneInCollege]

It seems like they took the SN. But since their grandma was knocking on the door it is likely that they will be fine. Unfortunately we might never find out if they are still with us or not. If they did pass I hope it was peaceful and they can rest now.