Venting People are so fucking selfish

[FERAL_FRENZY]

I need to get this off my chest.

I'm THIS close to blocking my friend. I hate that I always manage to end up in friendships that require me to do most of the emotional labor. I'm fed up. Whenever he's going through a rough patch, I'm always there to listen without judgment. Last month, he and his "girlfriend" of ONE MONTH broke up. They split up because the girl claimed that he reminded her of her sexually abusive ex. (Which is absolutely HORRIFIC when you think about it, but I have no idea what he could've said or done to give her that specific impression.) My friend admitted that he had a history of being jealous and controlling in relationships, so I simply put two and two together. No wonder.

He wouldn't stop crying about it for weeks on end, and he centered the situation around himself, bitching and moaning that he "loved her" and that he felt "used" because "she was supposed to be THE ONE!!!" In my humble opinion, a month simply isn't long enough to determine whether you TRULY "love" someone or not. Nowadays, we throw that word around so often that it's completely lost its meaning and ends up sounding shallow. I know for certain that there is more to the story than he is letting on, but I don't know his ex personally, and I'd rather not pry into business that isn't mine.

But despite my misgivings, I tried my hardest to be as supportive as possible and give the best advice I could with the limited relationship experience I had. (None.) I endured the bitchfest and held my tongue until he got over it. Since I did what I believed to be the bare minimum, I had hoped that he would return the favor. I couldn't have been more wrong.

Whenever I try to turn to him for support or validation, I'm always met with thoughtless one-word answers, or I get brushed off all together. He'd say things like "Damn, that sucks." or "Have you heard about (insert irrelevant topic)??" It makes me want to rip my fucking hair out by the roots. I'm tired of being treated like a therapist or confessional booth. Always giving it my all and never having my efforts reciprocated. People are so fucking VAIN. They love to hear themselves talk and simply can't stand the idea of the conversation not revolving around them for once.

But when is it my turn? When do I get a shoulder to lean on? When is someone going to finally care enough to listen to my problems? I'm not asking for them to respond with an award-winning novel of text, I just want to feel SEEN and HEARD. I always feel so bitter when I see people going out of their way for their friends. It's like a reminder that in the eyes of others, I'm not "good enough" for them to bother with giving a shit about me. Friendship feels like an absolute JOKE and I'm so over it. And no, I won't accept the shallow excuse of some people "not knowing how to console others." If you don't know how then you should keep your fucking problems to yourself until you figure it out. Don't expect comfort if you can't reciprocate.

 

[EternalShore]

I'm sorry that "friend" is so selfish like that to you. :( You are right~ All people are so evil and selfish! >_< and we are those who get constantly taken advantage of by them and get no support in return! :((( When it doesn't directly benefit them, they just see no reason to do it! :/ not even for tit-for-tat! >_< It'll be nice for you to know that most people you meet here will be far kinder and more sympathetic/empathetic than him. :/ After all, we have gone through our own tragedies, receiving zero support just like you :(

 

[FERAL_FRENZY]

I'm sorry that "friend" is so selfish like that to you. :( You are right~ All people are so evil and selfish! >_< and we are those who get constantly taken advantage of by them and get no support in return! :((( When it doesn't directly benefit them, they just see no reason to do it! :/ not even for tit-for-tat! >_< It'll be nice for you to know that most people you meet here will be far kinder and more sympathetic/empathetic than him. :/ After all, we have gone through our own tragedies, receiving zero support just like you :(

I'm really glad I found this website. I waited until I was of age and signed up as soon as the clock struck twelve. I haven't been around for long, but I already feel so seen whenever I post. Like someone finally understands. It feels nice to know that people won't dismiss me/ call me names for simply expressing how I feel. :)

 

[1MiserableGuy]

His folly is the same folly most of our population has, his insistence that love is the emotional state called romance. Love is not an emotion or a feeling whatsoever. Love is voluntary, selfless actions. You can love strangers, and hate spouses.

 

[FERAL_FRENZY]

His folly is the same folly most of our population has, his insistence that love is the emotional state called romance. Love is not an emotion or a feeling whatsoever. Love is voluntary, selfless actions. You can love strangers, and hate spouses.

I think you put my thoughts into words perfectly. I've always seen love as selfless, unspoken devotion rather than grand gestures or excessive declarations of affection. You know, the materialistic, transactional type of "love" that's often glamorized in movies, books, and TV shows nowadays. You aren't required to put much thought behind these actions, so to me, it feels empty. I feel like most people are easily impressed by words, and it doesn't take much for them to "catch feelings." Personally, I could never bring myself to say "I love you" to someone because I feel like it doesn't express how deeply I care for them. Sorry 4 the long reply, lol :,)

 

[NeedAnEscape]

That sounds awful. I know that I am a therapist friend to someone, and it is extremely emotionally draining. I always let her vent to me, but I know that I could never vent to her in turn. The balance of friendship is completely tilted, and I'm doing all of the emotional labor -- trying to reassure her and solve her problems. Yet, the moment I get stressed out about anything, she gets SCARED for me. There's no way I could discuss my own issues; her heart couldn't handle it. I can never get any emotional relief for my own problems in any of my relationships. It's always too much. Or, for the people that could emotionally take the burden, it's "a problem they cannot fix." I don't need to be fixed; I just need someone to be emotionally there for me. The cycle makes me keep my own pain bottled up inside. At this point, I don't think there's any point in me reaching out to anyone. It's not helping. I thought it would.

 

[1MiserableGuy]

I think you put my thoughts into words perfectly. I've always seen love as selfless, unspoken devotion rather than grand gestures or excessive declarations of affection. You know, the materialistic, transactional type of "love" that's often glamorized in movies, books, and TV shows nowadays. You aren't required to put much thought behind these actions, so to me, it feels empty. I feel like most people are easily impressed by words, and it doesn't take much for them to "catch feelings." Personally, I could never bring myself to say "I love you" to someone because I feel like it doesn't express how deeply I care for them. Sorry 4 the long reply, lol :,)

If I knew once upon a time what I know today, I would have gotten an arranged marriage. In that situation, both people are forced to learn how to love each other. The dating game exists to slay the family unit with divorce.

 

[FERAL_FRENZY]

That sounds awful. I know that I am a therapist friend to someone, and it is extremely emotionally draining. I always let her vent to me, but I know that I could never vent to her in turn. The balance of friendship is completely tilted, and I'm doing all of the emotional labor -- trying to reassure her and solve her problems. Yet, the moment I get stressed out about anything, she gets SCARED for me. There's no way I could discuss my own issues; her heart couldn't handle it. I can never get any emotional relief for my own problems in any of my relationships. It's always too much. Or, for the people that could emotionally take the burden, it's "a problem they cannot fix." I don't need to be fixed; I just need someone to be emotionally there for me. The cycle makes me keep my own pain bottled up inside. At this point, I don't think there's any point in me reaching out to anyone. It's not helping. I thought it would.

I'm not good with words, so sorry if what I say rings hollow/ sounds cliche.

People often assume that venting is an indication that you want the problem to be "solved." (But let's be real; even if that WAS what you desired, there's a 90% chance they're unable to help fix it anyway.) Their reactions to your struggles might range from complete and utter disgust/ loathing to horror/fear.

You're always left feeling like a burden whenever you try to open up, and maybe it leads you to believe that you're too "damaged" to be worth hearing out. That the second you open your mouth, you instantly drag the mood down to the pits of hell. You feel like you have no choice but to bottle everything up, unless you want to expose yourself to the unrelenting judgment of others.

NO ONE deserves to feel that way. It doesn't matter whether you've experienced WW3 or whether your problems are as minuscule as not knowing what to eat for dinner. I strongly believe that everyone is worthy of being heard, no matter the issue. I understand that you're at a point where you're doubting the use of sharing your problems with others, and I get it 100%. For what it's worth, from one stranger to another, I believe you deserve that shoulder to lean on. I hope you find it someday. Wholeheartedly. :)

 

[return.]

People often assume that venting is an indication that you want the problem to be "solved." (But let's be real; even if that WAS what you desired, there's a 90% chance they're unable to help fix it anyway.) Their reactions to your struggles might range from complete and utter disgust/ loathing to horror/fear.

You're always left feeling like a burden whenever you try to open up, and maybe it leads you to believe that you're too "damaged" to be worth hearing out. That the second you open your mouth, you instantly drag the mood down to the pits of hell. You feel like you have no choice but to bottle everything up, unless you want to expose yourself to the unrelenting judgment of others.

This summarizes why I wouldn't vent anywhere but here. Venting, let alone crying, just feels so useless and stupid. There is literally no point in opening up not only because I don't have anyone to open up to to begin with, but because I understand that basically no one would understand me. My lifelong loneliness makes me feel like every word that comes out of my mouth is somehow, in one way or another, wrong, invalid, incorrect, and stupid. I could go on and on but I won't.

Also, you said you aren't good with words, but here I think you actually got the message across very well . I like your way of speaking.

 

[NeedAnEscape]

I'm not good with words, so sorry if what I say rings hollow/ sounds cliche.

People often assume that venting is an indication that you want the problem to be "solved." (But let's be real; even if that WAS what you desired, there's a 90% chance they're unable to help fix it anyway.) Their reactions to your struggles might range from complete and utter disgust/ loathing to horror/fear.

You're always left feeling like a burden whenever you try to open up, and maybe it leads you to believe that you're too "damaged" to be worth hearing out. That the second you open your mouth, you instantly drag the mood down to the pits of hell. You feel like you have no choice but to bottle everything up, unless you want to expose yourself to the unrelenting judgment of others.

NO ONE deserves to feel that way. It doesn't matter whether you've experienced WW3 or whether your problems are as minuscule as not knowing what to eat for dinner. I strongly believe that everyone is worthy of being heard, no matter the issue. I understand that you're at a point where you're doubting the use of sharing your problems with others, and I get it 100%. For what it's worth, from one stranger to another, I believe you deserve that shoulder to lean on. I hope you find it someday. Wholeheartedly. :)

Your words don't ring hollow at all. You perfectly captured the essence of my internal conflict, as well as what many others experience. I used to wonder if there was a 'right time' to tell people how I felt. But, there really isn't. Human judgment will remain the same, even if I picked the 'perfect moment' to talk. In a way, that unfortunate reality is what makes this forum so appealing. In the face of the complicated emotions of people who don't understand mental illness, this place provides understanding and compassion.

 

[tomthemouse1]

I need to get this off my chest.

I'm THIS close to blocking my friend. I hate that I always manage to end up in friendships that require me to do most of the emotional labor. I'm fed up. Whenever he's going through a rough patch, I'm always there to listen without judgment. Last month, he and his "girlfriend" of ONE MONTH broke up. They split up because the girl claimed that he reminded her of her sexually abusive ex. (Which is absolutely HORRIFIC when you think about it, but I have no idea what he could've said or done to give her that specific impression.) My friend admitted that he had a history of being jealous and controlling in relationships, so I simply put two and two together. No wonder.

He wouldn't stop crying about it for weeks on end, and he centered the situation around himself, bitching and moaning that he "loved her" and that he felt "used" because "she was supposed to be THE ONE!!!" In my humble opinion, a month simply isn't long enough to determine whether you TRULY "love" someone or not. Nowadays, we throw that word around so often that it's completely lost its meaning and ends up sounding shallow. I know for certain that there is more to the story than he is letting on, but I don't know his ex personally, and I'd rather not pry into business that isn't mine.

But despite my misgivings, I tried my hardest to be as supportive as possible and give the best advice I could with the limited relationship experience I had. (None.) I endured the bitchfest and held my tongue until he got over it. Since I did what I believed to be the bare minimum, I had hoped that he would return the favor. I couldn't have been more wrong.

Whenever I try to turn to him for support or validation, I'm always met with thoughtless one-word answers, or I get brushed off all together. He'd say things like "Damn, that sucks." or "Have you heard about (insert irrelevant topic)??" It makes me want to rip my fucking hair out by the roots. I'm tired of being treated like a therapist or confessional booth. Always giving it my all and never having my efforts reciprocated. People are so fucking VAIN. They love to hear themselves talk and simply can't stand the idea of the conversation not revolving around them for once.

But when is it my turn? When do I get a shoulder to lean on? When is someone going to finally care enough to listen to my problems? I'm not asking for them to respond with an award-winning novel of text, I just want to feel SEEN and HEARD. I always feel so bitter when I see people going out of their way for their friends. It's like a reminder that in the eyes of others, I'm not "good enough" for them to bother with giving a shit about me. Friendship feels like an absolute JOKE and I'm so over it. And no, I won't accept the shallow excuse of some people "not knowing how to console others." If you don't know how then you should keep your fucking problems to yourself until you figure it out. Don't expect comfort if you can't reciprocate.

I would guess it is someone on discord? Most people there are so shitty I couldn't even have 1 person in there to talk with regularly.

I would like to tell you that he is just stupid, and took that he can just talk about his problems and have someone listen for granted. His problem is so stupid he dragged it for a month.

I hope he is not bragging cause he got a girl.

Anyway shit sadly happens so just forget it, nothing was lost nothing was harmed (your mental health probably took a heavy toll), but in the end it is all Internet stuff

Finally, If you really need someone to hear you, you got us bro, or heck even I can do a better job than the average person.

Cheers,
Tom

 

[Ares]

Relying on other people hasn't ever panned out for me either. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

 

[m4rius]

People are so fucking VAIN. They love to hear themselves talk and simply can't stand the idea of the conversation not revolving around them for once.

I pondered this for a bit, and I concluded that some people struggle to empathize inherently due to symptoms in their brain. Your friend probably can't help but to be a shit friend.

"Damn, that sucks."

In fact, I actually relate to this part a lot. I even say that quote verbatim: "Damn, that sucks."

It's like my brain does not want to give a fuck about other people despite being very sensitive to rejection. I hardly have the attention span to listen and empathize compared to other things that do interest me. It got better ever since I became aware of it—I blame this on my ADHD because stimulant medications make me so much more empathetic; I even feel the empathy a lot more too.