Venting people are counting on me

[reznikoff]

I haven't been this low in two and a half years. I wanna die so badly. I would give anything to own a gun of my own with a good enough caliber to just die. I'm not afraid to die.

It's the fact that I have too many people counting on me. My older sister & older brother and my younger brother. My mom. My boyfriend.

This makes it sound as though I have no reason to be depressed because I have people in my life. Some people who wanna CTB don't have anyone except themselves. I don't mean to sound selfish or like a "woe is me" person.

I wish I could disappear without the repercussions of what would happen to the people in my life afterwards, but I know it's impossible to avoid. Are there any ways to handle that or deal with it?

 

[Redt2go]

I haven't been this low in two and a half years. I wanna die so badly. I would give anything to own a gun of my own with a good enough caliber to just die. I'm not afraid to die.

It's the fact that I have too many people counting on me. My older sister & older brother and my younger brother. My mom. My boyfriend.

This makes it sound as though I have no reason to be depressed because I have people in my life. Some people who wanna CTB don't have anyone except themselves. I don't mean to sound selfish or like a "woe is me" person.

I wish I could disappear without the repercussions of what would happen to the people in my life afterwards, but I know it's impossible to avoid. Are there any ways to handle that or deal with it?

I know how you feel. My death will wreck some people who seriously need me. You can't compare situations or play depression Olympics. I know they depend on you but I'm sure they would love for you to depend on them for a bit if you need help

 

[reznikoff]

I know how you feel. My death will wreck some people who seriously need me. You can't compare situations or play depression Olympics. I know they depend on you but I'm sure they would love for you to depend on them for a bit if you need help

Thank you for sharing. And yeah I try to, i just don't want to dump all my stuff on them. My boyfriend specifically - he carried enough weight on him as it is.

 

[odette]

Sometimes you can feel even lonelier with people around you than you would if you were alone. Why do you feel so bad?

 

[bigj75]

Doesn't matter who you have around you. Take care of yourself first. Even if it means ctb'ing

 

[Redt2go]

Thank you for sharing. And yeah I try to, i just don't want to dump all my stuff on them. My boyfriend specifically - he carried enough weight on him as it is.

I think it's worse to keep your pain from him. You could be like here's what's going on with me. No worries I'm getting therapy though :) it helps people to know they aren't the only person you depend on

 

[Eren]

We are all concerned about the emotional damage we will do to our family and loved ones, it really sucks, hugs.

 

[21Neberg]

If your only option is to stay, you should seek professional help - though you've probably already done that. I hope therapy works well for you, since I've read of too many people who didn't like their therapist at all.

 

[Psilo]

I know that feeling, this messed me up completely. Difficult situation, especially when you have something called hope getting its way between.

 

[reznikoff]

If your only option is to stay, you should seek professional help - though you've probably already done that. I hope therapy works well for you, since I've read of too many people who didn't like their therapist at all.

Thank you so much. I'm trying to adjust to my new therapist so we'll see how that goes.

 

[21Neberg]

Thank you so much. I'm trying to adjust to my new therapist so we'll see how that goes.

I hope he or she is nice. I'm starting therapy also in a couple of weeks. It's really the only way to deal with all this, and I sincerely hope it works out for you. If you ever do need more personal help, you could also talk to your family members. Keeping things to yourself to worry about them always make them worse...

 

[reznikoff]

I hope he or she is nice. I'm starting therapy also in a couple of weeks. It's really the only way to deal with all this, and I sincerely hope it works out for you. If you ever do need more personal help, you could also talk to your family members. Keeping things to yourself to worry about them always make them worse...

Thank you, good luck to you as well. (: Much love

 

[seenthelight]

It's the fact that I have too many people counting on me. My older sister & older brother and my younger brother. My mom. My boyfriend.

Yeah, if you go you won't know or care, but you'll make those people spend the rest of their lives questioning what is the point. Sure life will go on, but especially your mum and siblings will have to continue life with a big missing piece: YOU.

Thank you so much. I'm trying to adjust to my new therapist so we'll see how that goes.

Don't get your hopes high, they will go through scripts from their training "Why do you feel like that?", "When did it start?","What have you done to change it?"

The only person that can help you is yourself. Go through the sessions and try to learn what is wrong. If you feel it is just another one taking your money that doesn't really care, then change it. Go through the whole list in the Yellow Pages. You might find someone that you can connect to or you might not. Don't worry about it. Try to get from each session something that makes you understand your feelings and how to change them.

If you come out you will become a stronger person capable of sympathizing with pain other people are having here and share your experience. If not then you will just be another number in some statistics, another crossed name here and your older sister & older brother and your younger brother, your mom, your boyfriend will spend the rest of their lives questioning why trying to console themselves thinking that was what you wanted, but that will not ease their pain.

 

[Majin K.]

At first the pain I'll inflict upon others also made me stick around, but at this point I've become an uncaring selfish cunt. The pain I'll inflict upon others isn't my own pain. When I die I'll stop existing anyways and I won't have the capacity to care or feel regret. I may be selfish, but so is everyone who expects us to continue our existence of suffering for the sake of others. Only a selfless fool would suffer for the sake of others. I would rather be the villain who only thinks about himself than the hero who sacrifices himself for others.

Thank you for sharing. And yeah I try to, i just don't want to dump all my stuff on them. My boyfriend specifically - he carried enough weight on him as it is.

This I can empathize with. The more I open up to people about my depression and the more reasons I reveal, the more I drag them down as well. It's hard to reach out for help and support when in the process of doing so you just shift your depression to others.

 

[seenthelight]

People, please understand. The people next to you, the ones that really love you are suffering as much about your pain as you are. You might not think so, but I am sure they would be happy if they could see you truly happy. They have their own issues coping with life but seeing you OK will be one less thing on their plate. I know you don't care, the pain you are feeling now is real and nothing else matters.

There is no magic bullet, not one size fits all, a pill for all your troubles. It is a personal journey about finding your own answer. You are not going to be always happy, if you were you wouldn't know what happiness was. Life is mostly bad patches that make you appreciate that occasional laugh or moment of bliss.

Overcome this and let us know how you did it. It will be your own recipe, it will not apply to others, but if we have a collection of many recipes we might then pick bits and pieces and find our own.