Cashewmilk
Specialist
- Mar 10, 2020
- 383
Does anyone have autism with pathological demand avoidance? I feel like this is such a specific kind of misery that people who don't have it could never understand, but then there's people who claim they have it and they were still able to comply with demands anyway and live successful lives 
and were never suicidal or rebellious, or maybe it's mild IDK honestly I just feel like there's this trendy thing of pathologizing everything nowadays.
I just feel so horribly violated in every single way since childhood and I've been suicidal since I was 8, before that I disassociated, I was also a dumb and slow child and wasn't fully aware like most of the other kids. I hate everything, I hate the whole entire world and humanity, I've been this way since I was a kid and I HATE being gaslit about it, pretending I was fine or just "young and dumb", I'm 37 and feel the exact same way nothing has changed. I'm an anti-natalist, misanthrope, feminist, pro abortion pro euthanasia, vegan, atheist, lol.
I'm so fucking tired of being alive and I feel like a total fool for not having jumped off a bridge already and everybody who knows this about me believes that I'm choosing to stay here, and that's the reason why I still exist, the only reason is because I'm a fucking COWARD loser
a total failure, I can't even drive a fucking car. I can't do SN or any other kind of ingestible, hanging at home methods. I've already tried overdosing on lethal drugs, compression hanging, I can't do drop hanging. I've tried to kill myself so many times since I was 14. The one I tried the most was compression hanging and it did not work, and me being dumb and slow I didn't realize the body thrashes around afterwards, so it's a good thing it didn't work or I would have been saved and probably in a worse vegetative state. Knowing my luck I would be a conscious vegetable, completely aware of being bathed, force fed, and fully awake trapped inside my own body with NO WAY OUT.
I already feel like I have no way out, because I can't bring myself to plan a jump. Jumping is the only way but it's so violent, terrifying, and possibly unreliable or that's what I tell myself. I'm sure if I jumped off a bridge or a tall building (hard to access) I would die, I'm not a healthy young person anymore. I'm living in a highly abusive home and I can't work, I'm also addicted to opiates and I can't quit under these circumstances, I'm also on methadone so I'm going to be on opiates for the rest of my life (it's impossible to get off methadone most patients are lifelong). Everyday is so unbearable, I'm being enslaved and abused by my narcissistic family.
And lastly, there is no help for me. The system is just as vicious as my family. Doctors, nurses, teachers and social workers have been nothing but horrible to me since childhood. They loathe people like me, they don't even help children with disabilities, so why the fuck would they help me? They will let people, women with children fleeing violence - become homeless and still not help them, the criteria to be eligible for any kind of help is insanely unfair, they don't see mental illness like mine as a disability here, and even people with disabilities who are lucky enough to get assistance STILL have to prove their eligibility regularly. There's no such thing as a disability advocate, they tell you to go find a doctor yourself WHO WILL HELP before contacting them. The resources and websites and reviews I've read so far are atrocious, I was a fool to think there was actually help for me. Oh I live in Canada too, haha! Anyone who tells you Canada is a free and happy country is a fucking asshole. It's not, not if you're disabled and abused, if you're neurotypical and willing to be a slave you might get lucky if you have a high paying job. I would LOVE to jump off a fucking bridge or building and die as a big "fuck you" to the Canadian government. The people in my culture (Indian/Muslim) are horrible people too, I'm so traumatized by them that I fear them now and can never trust someone of Indian or Muslim origin who claims to be in a position to help (and I advise you not to as well - do not trust them, most of them only care about pride and money and not helping anyone and they are so corrupt and cut corners). But even white people have been assholes to me but not as much as non-white people. Unfortunately they are taking over Canada too. God I'm so happy I never had kids
I'm so angry that euthanasia is not a human right.
and were never suicidal or rebellious, or maybe it's mild IDK honestly I just feel like there's this trendy thing of pathologizing everything nowadays. I just feel so horribly violated in every single way since childhood and I've been suicidal since I was 8, before that I disassociated, I was also a dumb and slow child and wasn't fully aware like most of the other kids. I hate everything, I hate the whole entire world and humanity, I've been this way since I was a kid and I HATE being gaslit about it, pretending I was fine or just "young and dumb", I'm 37 and feel the exact same way nothing has changed. I'm an anti-natalist, misanthrope, feminist, pro abortion pro euthanasia, vegan, atheist, lol.
I'm so fucking tired of being alive and I feel like a total fool for not having jumped off a bridge already and everybody who knows this about me believes that I'm choosing to stay here, and that's the reason why I still exist, the only reason is because I'm a fucking COWARD loser
a total failure, I can't even drive a fucking car. I can't do SN or any other kind of ingestible, hanging at home methods. I've already tried overdosing on lethal drugs, compression hanging, I can't do drop hanging. I've tried to kill myself so many times since I was 14. The one I tried the most was compression hanging and it did not work, and me being dumb and slow I didn't realize the body thrashes around afterwards, so it's a good thing it didn't work or I would have been saved and probably in a worse vegetative state. Knowing my luck I would be a conscious vegetable, completely aware of being bathed, force fed, and fully awake trapped inside my own body with NO WAY OUT.I already feel like I have no way out, because I can't bring myself to plan a jump. Jumping is the only way but it's so violent, terrifying, and possibly unreliable or that's what I tell myself. I'm sure if I jumped off a bridge or a tall building (hard to access) I would die, I'm not a healthy young person anymore. I'm living in a highly abusive home and I can't work, I'm also addicted to opiates and I can't quit under these circumstances, I'm also on methadone so I'm going to be on opiates for the rest of my life (it's impossible to get off methadone most patients are lifelong). Everyday is so unbearable, I'm being enslaved and abused by my narcissistic family.
And lastly, there is no help for me. The system is just as vicious as my family. Doctors, nurses, teachers and social workers have been nothing but horrible to me since childhood. They loathe people like me, they don't even help children with disabilities, so why the fuck would they help me? They will let people, women with children fleeing violence - become homeless and still not help them, the criteria to be eligible for any kind of help is insanely unfair, they don't see mental illness like mine as a disability here, and even people with disabilities who are lucky enough to get assistance STILL have to prove their eligibility regularly. There's no such thing as a disability advocate, they tell you to go find a doctor yourself WHO WILL HELP before contacting them. The resources and websites and reviews I've read so far are atrocious, I was a fool to think there was actually help for me. Oh I live in Canada too, haha! Anyone who tells you Canada is a free and happy country is a fucking asshole. It's not, not if you're disabled and abused, if you're neurotypical and willing to be a slave you might get lucky if you have a high paying job. I would LOVE to jump off a fucking bridge or building and die as a big "fuck you" to the Canadian government. The people in my culture (Indian/Muslim) are horrible people too, I'm so traumatized by them that I fear them now and can never trust someone of Indian or Muslim origin who claims to be in a position to help (and I advise you not to as well - do not trust them, most of them only care about pride and money and not helping anyone and they are so corrupt and cut corners). But even white people have been assholes to me but not as much as non-white people. Unfortunately they are taking over Canada too. God I'm so happy I never had kids
I'm so angry that euthanasia is not a human right.
