speck
Student
- May 5, 2020
- 178
My life is unraveling around me and I wish I was dead already.
In order to fly right on everyone's radar, I've been trying to "get my life together". This involved applying for internships, jobs- anything to make use of the degree I'm about to get. I interviewed for two of the internships and received an offer with one- high pay, likely job offer at the end. But my living situation is so unstable that I had to make up an excuse and bow out. I couldn't imagine going to the office every day for eight hours, knowing that my life is disintegrating.
I got the second position I interviewed for- and it's remote, so I can work from bed and in my depression suit. But now that my orientation is coming on Monday, I'm terrified.
I don't think I'm qualified at all. I'm in my thirties and it's going to be much more than embarrassing to fuck this up now than it would have been in my 20's. What if I can't do what they ask? I really need the money at minimum and at maximum I really need to figure out what to do with the "rest of my life".
As some of you may know, I had my N taken away months ago and now am stuck waiting for D's restock. I regret not exiting when I received my order, but I thought life might improve. It did for a minute and now that moment is gone.
I don't think I can go on living when my narc partner leaves me. I think sometimes that maybe I could, but as recently as a month ago he put me through a cycle: "let's get married, let's have children, sit here and look at rings for two hours. Oh now it's over, you don't deserve it. You fucked it up and I never should have said that i would do those things with you"
Now I can't stop fantasizing and grieving about this life that I won't ever get to have, that I wanted so bad. I would have done anything for it, I tried so hard-
So this just feels like a waste And now I'm just like oh my god this is how I'm spending the rest of my life??? Failing at this internship??? Why??? Why did these people even hire me?? Who am I? I should have just gotten a night shift job at Walmart and minded my fucking business and not pretended like I was a capable person.
I keep thinking I should just shoot myself and not wait- I'm so scared and I'm so lonely and afraid.
Is anyone else spending the rest of their life pretending? Did anyone else figure out how to fake it into making it?
In order to fly right on everyone's radar, I've been trying to "get my life together". This involved applying for internships, jobs- anything to make use of the degree I'm about to get. I interviewed for two of the internships and received an offer with one- high pay, likely job offer at the end. But my living situation is so unstable that I had to make up an excuse and bow out. I couldn't imagine going to the office every day for eight hours, knowing that my life is disintegrating.
I got the second position I interviewed for- and it's remote, so I can work from bed and in my depression suit. But now that my orientation is coming on Monday, I'm terrified.
I don't think I'm qualified at all. I'm in my thirties and it's going to be much more than embarrassing to fuck this up now than it would have been in my 20's. What if I can't do what they ask? I really need the money at minimum and at maximum I really need to figure out what to do with the "rest of my life".
As some of you may know, I had my N taken away months ago and now am stuck waiting for D's restock. I regret not exiting when I received my order, but I thought life might improve. It did for a minute and now that moment is gone.
I don't think I can go on living when my narc partner leaves me. I think sometimes that maybe I could, but as recently as a month ago he put me through a cycle: "let's get married, let's have children, sit here and look at rings for two hours. Oh now it's over, you don't deserve it. You fucked it up and I never should have said that i would do those things with you"
Now I can't stop fantasizing and grieving about this life that I won't ever get to have, that I wanted so bad. I would have done anything for it, I tried so hard-
So this just feels like a waste And now I'm just like oh my god this is how I'm spending the rest of my life??? Failing at this internship??? Why??? Why did these people even hire me?? Who am I? I should have just gotten a night shift job at Walmart and minded my fucking business and not pretended like I was a capable person.
I keep thinking I should just shoot myself and not wait- I'm so scared and I'm so lonely and afraid.
Is anyone else spending the rest of their life pretending? Did anyone else figure out how to fake it into making it?
