Help Parents who wish to CTB

[Dopamine_Junkie44]

This is what I do not want to happen.


It is very complicated. I cannot explain this in short. Every contact hurts me.
I am not able to withstand their cries, I know nothing about how to raise a children, how to take care of them, how to tell them fairy tells for a good night. Literally everything. I am very introvert person, in personal. I am able to write about things much more then tell them.

If you are better at writing, then leave your kids a letter. And consider that it might be easier for you to connect when they get older. A lot of people can't stand being around small kids because they have been mistreated as small kids and the crying reminds them...

Also please know that it is not your fault, if you are not a good parent at the moment. If you want, you could try to change that with a lot of therapy I think...

They do. Many people. And they right. By the way mostly they are friends of my wife, because I do not have .... friends.

I am sorry to hear that you don't have friends. Maybe you don't consider other people trustworthy because of past experiences?
Or you don't like yourself enough to think you deserve them?

Don't pressure yourself. Think of what you would like to become and think of a very small first step in that direction... there are a lot of people out there that needed time to heal before being able to connect to other people...

 

[Zazacosta]

I am sorry to hear that you don't have friends. Maybe you don't consider other people trustworthy because of past experiences?
Or you don't like yourself enough to think you deserve them?

I cannot open to other people in personal. I cannot make any long-term relationship either. I am not able.
My only true friends which I ever had in my life were in online territory...

 

[Dopamine_Junkie44]

many people think that the past will continue to be the future. But things and people can change. Slowly. And with help. You don't need to be stuck at where you are right now. But leaving the usual patterns can be terrifying... I don't know you. Maybe you tried a million things already and are rightfully frustrated and resigned. But you deserve to get to a better place!!

Is there a small thing you can imagine doing that might help you change one tiny detail about your present life? Any person online you get along well with? Maybe you could ask them for a short call? People here are pretty likely to accept you as you are. With your fears and weaknesses. They will not judge you if you cannot talk on the phone. But maybe you could listen to a person on a phone? Would that be a possible first step?

Try to think out of the box. I think you know what would help you. Maybe you just don't think that any person would be willing to do that for you.

 

[Metalhead]

This thread really hit home with me. I have been separated from my kids now for 4 years. They never seen me for 2 years due to the pandemic & me moving back to my home country. My children had to experience a suicide attempt of me at a young age, my daughter visited me whilst I was in a coma & on a ventilator but my son refused to. I don't know how much they were told or understood the situation, I did in a roundabout way try to talk with my son about it when he was older but he wasn't willing to discuss it. I now have regular contact with them via sms & the occasional call but have only had physical contact 1-2 times per annum. I am unable to provide any financial support to them due to being long term unemployed due to mental health issues & I guess the over riding factor is that I feel I have not been able to fulfill my duties as a father & that they would indeed be better off without me. I just feel in a no win situation, damned if you do & damned if you don't. It consumes me on a daily basis & life is truly unbearable. I would like to write more but find it excruciatingly painful.

 

[Dopamine_Junkie44]

Spoiler: Abusive behaviour towards my kids.

I hit my daughter on monday. Once on the right upper leg. She was trying to kick her brother and I just reacted. No chance of congnitive decisions.

A year ago I hit my son.

I cannot be sure that I will never do it again. Will my kids be better off with me, even if they get hurt once a year (or hopefully less)... or would it be better to move out/ stay out of their lives completely?

I will work on myself in therapy. Has anyone got a parent that actually managed to stop hurting their children completely?

 

[peaceandlove]

This thread needed to exist. Thank you everyone who posted here. I am not a parent, but I have taken responsibility for a young adult. How that came to be is a long complicated story that's not relevant. Reading about the suffering of parents, and their struggles with the weighty decision to CTB, opens my eyes and heart to the people and situations that lead to this child (young adult, but...) being here with me. My personal responsibility, obligations, to this younger person aren't all that may keep me here. More than I can't tolerate my life, I don't want another human, or an entire generation, to EVER feel anything like I've felt. I don't know how to make sense of the world, or make it a less excruciating existence, but if I don't try to figure it out, I think it sets an example of futility for younger people. It's not a debt owed. It's needing a solution to a problem for all of us. Or not wtf do I know

 

[suffering_mo]

I don't wish to end it. I need to end it because of the total neurological/physical/mental suffering that I am enduring.... because of an unusual and bad reaction to a pharmaceutical that I only got to feel better....My kids didn't deserve this either and if I could bear it for them, I absolutely would. The heartbreak and guilt is enough to kill me and I wish it would. No child should have to endure this. No parent either. Stay for your kids if nothing else!!!