Parental guilt

[Tired01]

Hi,

Joined this forum a few days ago so hello to all!

Are there any other parents on here? I have a teenage daughter, and to be honest she is the reason I'm still here.
However, I'm been mulling over whether this is 'right' and 'fair' over the last year or so and I'm looking for other people'S opinions?
I've had mental health probs for many years, and I was repeatedly told I had depression and anxiety and dosed up on meds. However last year after a melt down I was told It was EUPD/BPD related, but I'm finding the limited treatement available (I'm in the UK) slow.... painfully so!
I do struggle as a parent, I get little help from her dad (he lives 250 miles away!) and I find it hard to juggle with my responsibilities, holding down a job and on some occasions actually being there for someone else when all I want to do is curl up in a dark room and be by myself.
My daughter has mental health issues which, in my opinion, have been largely brought on by my condition. She is insecure, fears abandonment, needs constant reasssurance that I love her, and generally suffers a lot with anxiety.
I believe I've broken her. I've done this to her. Everyone says kids needs their mothers. But in my mind, if I've done this to her, then surely thats not the case.
i do worry about the effect my suicide would have on her, of course I do. I know it wouldn't be good..... Other people are very judgemental saying it's a selfish act, but in my head surely it's more selfish to stay around and destroy her even more. Our relationship is deteriorating as she gets older - teenage angst coupled with my mental health are a recipe for disaster.

I feel like I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't.

sorry this is such a long post... do any others have any experience or point of views please?

thanks

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I really believe it would be a lot worse for her if you CTB before she's 18. She needs you so badly right now especially because she's mentally ill. You can't help it if your mental illness is affecting her. All you can do is love her the best you can for as long as you can.

 

[Deathbydemo]

To answer your question.. yes, I have a 10 year old little boy.

From reading what you wrote about your daughters mental illness, I truly BEG you not to go through with ending your life. I understand you feel that you have brought on her illness in a sense, but it will be NOTHING compared to how she will suffer if you were to leave this world. Your daughter needs her mother, and you need her.

You need more support and understanding in dealing with every day life, and you should grab that help with both hands. Whether it's from mental health professionals, counselling, medication, seeing friends and family, staying active... anything. Please stay. Death is permanent and there is no coming back from it.

 

[Tired01]

I really believe it would be a lot worse for her if you CTB before she's 18. She needs you so badly right now especially because she's mentally ill. You can't help it if your mental illness is affecting her. All you can do is love her the best you can for as long as you can.

To answer your question.. yes, I have a 10 year old little boy.

From reading what you wrote about your daughters mental illness, I truly BEG you not to go through with ending your life. I understand you feel that you have brought on her illness in a sense, but it will be NOTHING compared to how she will suffer if you were to leave this world. Your daughter needs her mother, and you need her.

You need more support and understanding in dealing with every day life, and you should grab that help with both hands. Whether it's from mental health professionals, counselling, medication, seeing friends and family, staying active... anything. Please stay. Death is permanent and there is no coming back from it.

thamk you both. Your wise words are the constant thoughts i'm conflicted with. I just feel that I have reached the end of my tether with everything else. I'm a bad person and I've had a lot of rejection in life. I can't see any of it changing even with treatment - it won't change who I am fundamentally. And that's the problem. And if I stay I am just an empty shell existing, I can't see another way forward. I genuinely feel my daughter has started to hate me. I know logically that it's normal teenage drama and angst, but emotionally it's destroying me. She is the one thing I live for and she despises me. It's justification in my mind. x

 

[Hopeindeath!]

You may not be able to see anything changing in the future but, maybe you could try focusing on the present. Perhaps if you set small goals to change something instead of big goals, it might be easier for you to get through the day. You are not a bad person. I can tell you care deeply for your daughter otherwise you wouldn't be having conflicting thoughts. I hope things get better for you.

 

[No capacity]

My advice (and I am not a parent, multiple miscarriages have contributed to my reason to want to CBT). My advice is to try focus on getting your daughter mentally well so that she perhaps finds a loving partner / good group of friends that will support her when you CTB

 

[Whale_bones]

I struggle with the same feelings of parental guilt. My son is 8 and I greatly fear that my major mental illnesses will have an effect on him. However, there are SO many small moments when you're raising a child, thousands of them, how can we possibly say which things we've "made" them have? Your daughter could absolutely have anxiety that's not been caused by you at all but just by the fact it's a brain disorder that some people have and others don't. It sounds like she gets a huge amount of reassurance from you being in her life, even though that manifests as fear of abandonment it also shows she really wants you around. It's easy to be hard on ourselves as parents and it's not like we have someone who checks in and tells us we're doing a good job. So remember that there's a good chance you're actually doing a wonderful job and helping your daughter SO much.

 

[Epsilon0]

I can tell from your post that you are under a lot of pain right now, so let me begin by saying I am sorry you find yourself in this hellish situation.

I can understand both sides of your dilemma, and I recognize that the thoughts you give voice to are considered a big taboo.

Listen, I am not going to tell you what you should do. I don't know you, and your circumstances are obviously very complex, so any advice would be meaningless.

But, since you asked, I will give you my opinion about parenting children: unless a parent is physically or emotionally abusing their offspring, it's better for the child to have a mum or a dad in their lives.

It's a scary, brutal, lonely world out there, and everyone (especially children) needs a place to call home and a parent to say Hi to them when they open the door. Even if that parent is sick, and the home is a mess, and there's no pot roast simmering on the stove.

From what you write I gather you care a great deal about your daughter, but you feel that you scarring her. There are no perfects parents, even the best ones screw up their children. It's inevitable.

So, bottom line, parenting, in my opinion is about showing up and being there, not about being perfect and always doing the right think.

Once again, my heart goes out to you. I wish you all the best.