sannoji
dreaming of flying
- May 4, 2023
- 82
i'm seeing my therapist soon so hopefully i can tell them what's been going on and things can get better but i really feel like i need to vent about this in the meantime.
i think i've always been a bit distrustful of others but it's really come to a head over the last few months and especially the last couple weeks. i've been in trauma therapy and doing really well, we haven't done any processing but the preparation stages made me learn a lot about myself and my parts already i think so i don't want to stop. but i've been having this paranoia that just gets worse and worse. i didn't really notice it building because i was believing things that could technically be true, like that my friends were out to get me and abusers had spies among them who would report on my behaviour. i truly feel right now like everyone wants to harm me, but fortunately i still have enough presence of mind to notice that the logic is unsound… doesn't make anything better on its own but at least i'm not totally losing my mind.
in the last few months i've been basically cyberstalked by multiple people. it's been almost worse than something continuous because it's like the moment i think i'm safe here they are contacting me and revealing how they've been watching me again. just the other day i got communication from someone, anonymously but it could only be them. i just feel so fuckin scared. and while i'd still say my therapeutic experience is beneficial so far i think opening up about trauma and my fears around it only built on this paranoia…
honestly, the only reason i realised i was being irrational was because i started believing something that couldn't possibly be true. i don't want to say the specific belief, but think something vanishingly unlikely like a specific celebrity wanting to harm me. plus i've had this belief before. i just feel so off the rails when i felt like i was making progress… i know logically there's no way i can properly open up traumatic memories in this state and i need to tell my therapist what's going on but it just feels so bad to do so. i feel like i'm not being a 'good patient' because all of this is getting in the way… i don't have any of the buzzword thoughts that would get you put away but it's still basically delusional thinking and that feels bad. i don't want to be like that. idk. i'm going to speak up about it but i'm just so mad that people have actually harmed me so much that i can't escape these thoughts… i hate it.
i think i've always been a bit distrustful of others but it's really come to a head over the last few months and especially the last couple weeks. i've been in trauma therapy and doing really well, we haven't done any processing but the preparation stages made me learn a lot about myself and my parts already i think so i don't want to stop. but i've been having this paranoia that just gets worse and worse. i didn't really notice it building because i was believing things that could technically be true, like that my friends were out to get me and abusers had spies among them who would report on my behaviour. i truly feel right now like everyone wants to harm me, but fortunately i still have enough presence of mind to notice that the logic is unsound… doesn't make anything better on its own but at least i'm not totally losing my mind.
in the last few months i've been basically cyberstalked by multiple people. it's been almost worse than something continuous because it's like the moment i think i'm safe here they are contacting me and revealing how they've been watching me again. just the other day i got communication from someone, anonymously but it could only be them. i just feel so fuckin scared. and while i'd still say my therapeutic experience is beneficial so far i think opening up about trauma and my fears around it only built on this paranoia…
honestly, the only reason i realised i was being irrational was because i started believing something that couldn't possibly be true. i don't want to say the specific belief, but think something vanishingly unlikely like a specific celebrity wanting to harm me. plus i've had this belief before. i just feel so off the rails when i felt like i was making progress… i know logically there's no way i can properly open up traumatic memories in this state and i need to tell my therapist what's going on but it just feels so bad to do so. i feel like i'm not being a 'good patient' because all of this is getting in the way… i don't have any of the buzzword thoughts that would get you put away but it's still basically delusional thinking and that feels bad. i don't want to be like that. idk. i'm going to speak up about it but i'm just so mad that people have actually harmed me so much that i can't escape these thoughts… i hate it.
