breadliker123
The world's most marvelous girl
- Mar 24, 2025
- 25
I lost contact with him back may of last year. We had been friends since we were teens and met on may 2021 and he has been my most intense, sincere and lovely relationship, even if we were only platonic and online.
We're from two different continents, far away enough for a trip to meet up to be only a dream, but we were there for eachother always, specially because we were both quite awkward teens when we met, and we bonded over the fact that we were both queer and were on similar fandoms, then later found out we both struggled with the same self harm issues and had past experiences with csa.
He was so funny and so nice. He was the only person who I ever had admitted even feeling anything because I've never been big on having too many friends or communicating much with my family, and his case was the same..
He was the only one who was there for me during my darkest times. He was there when I was getting molested, he was there when I was cutting, struggling with HI and instrusive thoughts or simply trying to get rid of myself, to the point where we came to the conclusion (or at least that's what I thought) that if one were to not exist anymore, then the other one couldn't either, because that's how lonely we were.
But turns out we weren't right. He was one year longer than me, so he graduated one year before, and during his last year he met a guy who he had a crush on. To be clear, up to this point my friend has been very clear about being a trans male, he lived in dysphoria and struggled a lot with it. After he met the guy, he started to behave differently. He started smoking more, and partying and drinking. Normal teen stuff, I guess, but I wouldn't really know.
Slowly we started to talk less and less. I was going through a really hard time and thought that it wouldn't be right to give him the baggage, and he was busy making new non incelfied friends. But it was all fine. We maintained contact, he drew us and talked about gathering money so we could meet and kept on being as genuine as always.
Not long after that he messages me telling me that he's going to block me, that he'll delete everything and start anew for reasons I can't really explain because Ive never dared read the full messages. All I got was that he wanted a new life, that he had new friends and that I was an embarrassing part of his life that he had to get rid of in order to be successful.
I got very angry and told him I didn't care. I was rash and stupid and blocked him first and decided that I would better die angry and more successful than him because I was so bitter I thought that he'd be lonely forever.
Some months after that he's radio silent and I make a real attempt to take my life. Stupid partial suspension plan that didn't work out but hurt like a bitch and made me cry like a little girl for a week. I was pretty numb from it for about 6 months, but now I'm all tender and raw and I've realized that my anger was pretty unfounded.
I've luckily found out that he's alive. Alive and inside the closet once again, but from the little I've been able to see from his very undecipherable language and very few online photos, he's detransitioned and is still living the party life. I'm happy he's alive, I'm happy hes not rotting like I wished he was for a while, but I'm also so, so sad.
It's amazing to see him move on, I'm glad I'm not a weight on his life and that now I can do whatever I want with mine knowing that nothing will happen to him, but Ive also realized how little I've grown even though we were equals at some point. For some time I thought I was his savior, I had better grades and more friends and didn't get bullied, and I thought it was my duty to save him, but turns out he could save himself just well. It's me who's the loser still in these sites. Ive never had a partner, I've never kissed, I've never had sex that wasn't with a family member. I struggle to go shopping by myself and I laugh at super heroe strips from the 40's because I have no life outside from that. I'm still unhappy and dropping out on my second year and with no real friends since I lost him.
I still wake up and wish that attempt had worked. I think about how he would've reacted if he had ever found out. I wonder if he has also looked me up. If he sees me as the loser who I still am. Still stuck on those damn discord chatrooms and twitter threads, drawing superheroes and never moving on because I'm too useless to.
Idealiation has been hitting me like a truck for a while. Ive only been able to wear scarves since last week because of that hanging attempt and I know I can't deal with another. But every time I pass the train tracks I think about it. I'm just waiting for some family matters to be stable, just that. And afterwards I'll be gone and free and hoping he doesn't even know I did it so I can spare him some tears or spare myself the embarrassment of realizing I was never that important to him for him to care.
We're from two different continents, far away enough for a trip to meet up to be only a dream, but we were there for eachother always, specially because we were both quite awkward teens when we met, and we bonded over the fact that we were both queer and were on similar fandoms, then later found out we both struggled with the same self harm issues and had past experiences with csa.
He was so funny and so nice. He was the only person who I ever had admitted even feeling anything because I've never been big on having too many friends or communicating much with my family, and his case was the same..
He was the only one who was there for me during my darkest times. He was there when I was getting molested, he was there when I was cutting, struggling with HI and instrusive thoughts or simply trying to get rid of myself, to the point where we came to the conclusion (or at least that's what I thought) that if one were to not exist anymore, then the other one couldn't either, because that's how lonely we were.
But turns out we weren't right. He was one year longer than me, so he graduated one year before, and during his last year he met a guy who he had a crush on. To be clear, up to this point my friend has been very clear about being a trans male, he lived in dysphoria and struggled a lot with it. After he met the guy, he started to behave differently. He started smoking more, and partying and drinking. Normal teen stuff, I guess, but I wouldn't really know.
Slowly we started to talk less and less. I was going through a really hard time and thought that it wouldn't be right to give him the baggage, and he was busy making new non incelfied friends. But it was all fine. We maintained contact, he drew us and talked about gathering money so we could meet and kept on being as genuine as always.
Not long after that he messages me telling me that he's going to block me, that he'll delete everything and start anew for reasons I can't really explain because Ive never dared read the full messages. All I got was that he wanted a new life, that he had new friends and that I was an embarrassing part of his life that he had to get rid of in order to be successful.
I got very angry and told him I didn't care. I was rash and stupid and blocked him first and decided that I would better die angry and more successful than him because I was so bitter I thought that he'd be lonely forever.
Some months after that he's radio silent and I make a real attempt to take my life. Stupid partial suspension plan that didn't work out but hurt like a bitch and made me cry like a little girl for a week. I was pretty numb from it for about 6 months, but now I'm all tender and raw and I've realized that my anger was pretty unfounded.
I've luckily found out that he's alive. Alive and inside the closet once again, but from the little I've been able to see from his very undecipherable language and very few online photos, he's detransitioned and is still living the party life. I'm happy he's alive, I'm happy hes not rotting like I wished he was for a while, but I'm also so, so sad.
It's amazing to see him move on, I'm glad I'm not a weight on his life and that now I can do whatever I want with mine knowing that nothing will happen to him, but Ive also realized how little I've grown even though we were equals at some point. For some time I thought I was his savior, I had better grades and more friends and didn't get bullied, and I thought it was my duty to save him, but turns out he could save himself just well. It's me who's the loser still in these sites. Ive never had a partner, I've never kissed, I've never had sex that wasn't with a family member. I struggle to go shopping by myself and I laugh at super heroe strips from the 40's because I have no life outside from that. I'm still unhappy and dropping out on my second year and with no real friends since I lost him.
I still wake up and wish that attempt had worked. I think about how he would've reacted if he had ever found out. I wonder if he has also looked me up. If he sees me as the loser who I still am. Still stuck on those damn discord chatrooms and twitter threads, drawing superheroes and never moving on because I'm too useless to.
Idealiation has been hitting me like a truck for a while. Ive only been able to wear scarves since last week because of that hanging attempt and I know I can't deal with another. But every time I pass the train tracks I think about it. I'm just waiting for some family matters to be stable, just that. And afterwards I'll be gone and free and hoping he doesn't even know I did it so I can spare him some tears or spare myself the embarrassment of realizing I was never that important to him for him to care.
