Of course, when I finally get to that breaking point and mindset of no return, I overhear my brother talking about how much it means to him that I'm still here after discovering I was going to kill myself many years ago. He talked about how it still bothers him sometimes when he thinks about how I could be gone, and the room I stay in could be empty. And how it fucked him up when he found out I was self harming.
Before, I had made peace with the fact that I would be passing on and leaving tears for those behind, but hearing my brother actually say those things was a lot. I don't want my family to hurt for the rest of their lives. I'm just so damn tired of this mental fight everyday. At this point the whole reason I'd be living is so they wouldn't have to be in pain. But who can call that being alive.
I just really wish I was never born. Or born with a different brain. I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe take up another drug so i can keep faking it for awhile longer...
I suspect that you are a family of rather emphatic humans - people are not 'all the same" genetically, some just suffer more by default. I mean, some are more concerned or touched when something is off, or not working as it should in society, and nowadays not much is ideal in the original human small-herd animal sense of that term.
One should think this to be obvious, that genes rule over us - but its being made irrelevant by "think positive, be woke" philosophies that come and go in waves. Your brother's feelings should give you a perspective on your own... I always forget which Greek philosopher came to the conclusion that it would be best not to be born, it's one of several possible logical conclusions - but that's a pretty unintelligent general stance to take for a life form that already exists, as is.
I have no doubt that you are seeing life as a hard task, which it often is for most people - and it's hell for all other animals, if you have the time to think about THAT for a moment - but if you get down to it, it's self-pity and chickening out, giving up all chances because of possible disappointments.
Just summing up the life-form logic of this, right ?
I think suicide is completely rational when you rationally compute your chances, and the are in fact minimal, say because you are old, or have a nasty illness, or are surrounded by religious fanatics whose gods order them to torture everything that moves to death - that sort of thing.
Everything else is unnatural - so yeah, it would be your duty to contemplate VERY HARD the pros and cons of your death, and see yourself as part of your environment, your family etc...
Then again, closing the circle, you are a product of your genetics and if your genetics condemn you to annihilate yourself when confronted with a stress level of a certain magnitude, which must be the case because you're here, then that cannot be avoided, and then those genes will vanish from this evolution, and more primitively vital ones will procreate and replace them.
This is a very interesting thing I have been wondering about lately, if the human species is already folding back on its own evolution when its most advanced subspecies, the more emphatic and intelligent ones, are increasingly ceasing to procreate and even killing themselves.
Does having the ability to contemplate the meaningfulness of your own existence trigger a negative feedback circle ?
It frequently seems to, but is this always reasonable ?
I think it depends on the underlying emotional level, and if that is basically positive or negative, which again may be a family or subspecies trait.
What does this mean in the context of human civilization, will we have to go back to a 'healthier' simpleton stage ?
Is this already happening ?
What does all this signify in connection with the Fermi Paradox ?
Sorry for the rant, but maybe it can give you some more perspective. You're free - and this is a galaxy ;)
