Overcoming Anxiety, SI When Suicide is Logical

[dazed.daydreamer]

I'll keep this brief for now, but can elaborate if anyone wants more details. After many years of trying to fix myself and my life, with seasons of suicidal ideation and parasuicidal actions, I've come to the conclusion that committing suicide is the best course of action, for both myself and others. I've thought it through many times over the months and years, and any other reasonable option has fallen through.
Now would be a good time for me to CTB, circumstantially. However, I haven't been able to bring myself to fully complete my preparations or go through with it. I keep procrastinating, distracting myself from directly thinking about it; when I do manage to sit with my reality and this decision for a moment, I'm filled with nondescript dread and anxiety.
I'm logically at peace with the decision and *want* to die, and am frustrated that I haven't done so yet, but the feelings of anxiety and dissociation are getting in the way.
I know I want to die: any advice on overcoming these feelings, the SI?

 

[lacrimosa]

I can definitely empathize with you on this and there's no right answer that I could possibly give that would convince you one way or another... and... it's being stuck in the middle that is a major pain in the ass.

This has been a dilemma for millions of people over the years and some whom are stuck in the middle turn to harmful or risky activities (addictive and dangerous drugs, extreme sports, gambling, etcetera) while they distract themselves in limbo, hoping the risky behaviour will eventually lead to their demise or diminishing their quality of life to the point where they have no choice but to CTB or be homeless and destitute. Very masochistic behaviour, as is suicide, but suicide, in its purest form is the ultimate escape from this pain and the human condition.. It is more merciful, especially if you have a chronic condition or diagnosis. But... in the meanwhile, this masochistic behaviour acts as a salve in lieu of CTB because the anxiety and dread the idea of suicide invokes is so powerful, along with SI.

So, you have three choices... Live as a shell of a human and distract yourself and suffer until you're pushed to CTB. Get treatment/recovery and find meaning in life which will eventually lead to you finding joy (hopefully). Or CTB, which is a very tough decision to make and it's so final and if you're suffering from existential dread, probably not a good choice as your gut is telling you not to.

***NOTE - Those are my 3 choices at the moment and there are probably more options that I am just not seeing, because I am in the thick of it...

If I am missing any choices here, feel free to fill in the blanks SaSu members...

One quote that I find interesting regarding suffering is by Nietzsche:
To live is to suffer; to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.

 

[dazed.daydreamer]

I can definitely empathize with you on this and there's no right answer that I could possibly give that would convince you one way or another... and... it's being stuck in the middle that is a major pain in the ass.

This has been a dilemma for millions of people over the years and some whom are stuck in the middle turn to harmful or risky activities (addictive and dangerous drugs, extreme sports, gambling, etcetera) while they distract themselves in limbo, hoping the risky behaviour will eventually lead to their demise or diminishing their quality of life to the point where they have no choice but to CTB or be homeless and destitute. Very masochistic behaviour, as is suicide, but suicide, in its purest form is the ultimate escape from this pain and the human condition.. It is more merciful, especially if you have a chronic condition or diagnosis. But... in the meanwhile, this masochistic behaviour acts as a salve in lieu of CTB because the anxiety and dread the idea of suicide invokes is so powerful, along with SI.

So, you have three choices... Live as a shell of a human and distract yourself and suffer until you're pushed to CTB. Get treatment/recovery and find meaning in life which will eventually lead to you finding joy (hopefully). Or CTB, which is a very tough decision to make and it's so final and if you're suffering from existential dread, probably not a good choice as your gut is telling you not to.

***NOTE - Those are my 3 choices at the moment and there are probably more options that I am just not seeing, because I am in the thick of it...

If I am missing any choices here, feel free to fill in the blanks SaSu members...

One quote that I find interesting regarding suffering is by Nietzsche:
To live is to suffer; to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.

You're so right about the risky, masochistic behavior in this limbo. I've had shitty habits to cope over the years—from things that seem more harmless such as oversleeping and diving deep into fictional worlds to ignore my own life, to bulimia and self harm and binge drinking. These are all my parasuicides. At this point I'm avoiding my basic responsibilities for work and school, both because I feel genuinely incapable of fulfilling my duties, and to put more pressure on myself to CTB to avoid the consequences. I would 100% be a hard drug addict if I knew how to access those substances (I'll admit I'm a generally naïve person). Idk what to do. I really appreciate you reading this, understanding me, and making a thoughtful reply

 

[RoadBLOCK]

I saw a documentary about a person awaiting his death sentence for more than 20 years. He did not choose death, but chose to live in a small cell with prison food and Bedouin freedom over death, and I asked myself: Why is the survival instinct so strong? It is really difficult and the instinct is strong that it is never an easy subject