Others using your suicidal thoughts against you

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

When I was groomed by an abusive pedo as a teenager, he often used my suicidality as blackmail and leverage against me. He found one of the notes I had written and threatened to mail it to my remaining living family, or said he would use it as blackmail to get me sectioned by police if I reported him for his crimes like robbery, assault/battery, etc.

I thought only the most vile, manipulative people are capable of doing these things, with the exception of do gooders who think they are doing suicidal people a favor by ousting them from their social circles under the guise of "removing negativity and toxic people." Turns out, I was wrong.

My boyfriend is threatening to tell his family about me wanting to ctb, and that I "hate everyone" (which I do not) assumably to punish me and make it seem like I am insane.

He does this because he thinks my rational desire for ctb is a product of a diseased mind and not the fact that I have multiple physical illnesses, ptsd, autism, no family, hardly any friends, nothing but shame and contempt to my name. Whenever I try to tell him that I think I should have a choice in my death, he acts as if I'm speaking in tongues.

Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation? I assume I will just keep lying and pretending that I am not really as fucked as I truly am, until I have the means to escape this cruel world. Easier to give in to his demands that I stop speaking about it, than to articulate my true and hobest thoughts.

I have to wait till after lockdown ends before I will be able to ctb, I don't want to mess up ordering my SN and carrying out my plan. I hope to be gone within a month or two, if I am lucky.

 

[WornOutLife]

Oh darling, that sounds awful. How can there be such mean people in this world?

As for the lockdown, it seems it's postponing many ppl's plans.

Anyway, if you need to talk, you know you can always pm me! I always remember when I was really down and talking to you about the japanese language made me feel so much better!

Hugs and love

 

[262653]

Has anyone else dealt with a similar situation?

Nope. But I thought that, if I ever get the opportunity to make close connections with someone IRL, they should know sooner than later. I was sticking to this attitude until maybe a few days ago, somehow remaining blind to the possibility that such sensitive information could be used against me, which is a little weird since I'm considering myself to be extremely cynical, and inclined to percieve the ulterior motive in any outwardly benevolent words and actions.

 

[Wrennie]

Using a person's pain as a weapon to be directed against them is one of the most abhorrent, downright reprehensible things one human being can do to another. Him making you out to be "crazy" to suit his narrative sounds like straight-up gaslighting. I am so sorry that a person who is supposed to love & support you is pulling this instead.

 

[sadbadpsychogirl]

yeah my aunt who supposedly loves me calls me "disturbed" lke i'm a serial killer or something and claims i'm also a danger to others...while she says things like "if you do something, i'll have to kill myself" go figure...

 

[DetachedDreamer97]

Well... at least once when my mom, who was drunk at the time decided to call the cops on me when her fiance and I were talking about calling the cops since she was threatening to kill herself. So, she decided to use that against me to turn the tables. I wasn't even going to say yes.
I spent 2-3 hours convincing the cops I wasn't going to harm myself and that it was my mother being a vindictive cunt.

 

[Symbiote]

Usually just general guilt tripping and putting themselves at the forefront that me being gone will put them under so much strain and they can't explain why I would do that to them. Why can I not speak this out with them? (They won't listen or offer platitudes). Why am I doing this to them? (I'm sorry). Why haven't I flipped a switch in my head yet? (If that was the case we wouldn't need psychologists and therapy).

Guess no one has maliciously cared enough about me to blackmail me for having suicidal thoughts. I am sorry that has happened to you and I hope those people piss lego bricks.

 

[NodusTollens]

Oh, you have been through some shit- I'm sorry, love. HUGS.

I can't say that I've been in this situation, though I understand what it's like to have to pretend around people. Telling people, being too "obvious" or letting it slip accidentally has landed me a couple involuntary stays in hospital. I can understand how overwhelming & lonely it is to have to keep it in. I'm sorry they don't understand how you're feeling & what you're going through.

 

[so it goes]

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Stay strong. I can't imagine my SO turning on me like that.

If you need someone to talk to feel free to message.