ordered sn

[so tired or manic]

my whole life has been one ctb attempt after another. i've been told many times "another hour and we wouldn't be talking"

i've put off ordering it because no matter what i do i always get stopped somehow.

i should be dead at least 5 times over and i'm half convinced i can't die at this point.

i don't want another failure.

my quality of life is never ever going to get better.

i hold on to hope because i'm so afraid that no matter what I do it'll fail so why try anymore.

when it happens i'm not writing any goodbyes. i can't risk the SI trying to reach out for help.

I'll still be around for now, then at some point I'll stop posting.

if the mods want to ban me for leaving, I can respect that.

 

[ImpairedLowlife]

Congrats on buying your SN.

I believe this time you can finish your suffering, if you want to.

Best luck to you. Get a peaceful journey whenever you decide.

 

[so tired or manic]

what I didn't expect was the worry to be lifted.

the dread of how I'm going to plan for a recovery, am I going to afford the next vet or hospital bill, the cost of moving and living. the worry over medical supplies and having to talk to uninterested doctors.

it brings a peace. a peace that shows how affected I had been by day to day life that I had simply been so used to.

completely ready.

 

[bigdog]

I am waiting a delivery also. Should arrive this month as I understood
Life is just a pathetic joke

 

[falloutcarter13]

I totally understand where you're coming from! When I ordered my SN it was like a weight came off of my chest. That feeling only intensified when I had the bottle in my hand. I also really identified with the part about you not being allowed to die, I'm in the same boat. My record of fucking this up or an "act of god" saving me in the past is ridiculous.

I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do, and I hope you can finally get what you want.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I hope it makes its way to you. Many people have trouble getting it, but try not to get too stressed over it.

 

[so tired or manic]

I hope it makes its way to you. Many people have trouble getting it, but try not to get too stressed over it.

it's been marked as shipped pretty soon after ordering so i have my suspicions, but if it doesn't arrive i'll just try again elsewhere

 

[falloutcarter13]

it's been marked as shipped pretty soon after ordering so i have my suspicions, but if it doesn't arrive i'll just try again elsewhere

Are you in the US? Sorry if this was answered already.

 

[so tired or manic]

Are you in the US? Sorry if this was answered already.

yep

 

[Sensei]

May I ask, do you have a depressive episode? If so, it's perhaps not the best time to make important decisions. I'm bipolar too and speak from experience.

 

[so tired or manic]

May I ask, do you have a depressive episode? If so, it's perhaps not the best time to make important decisions. I'm bipolar too and speak from experience.

it's more the depressive episodes are deep and by far much longer than the mania. no matter what i do, no matter what medication i take, it doesn't get better. i keep trying to hold on, but with winter coming the season affective disorder will only aid the depression and with the PTSD getting worse and worse lately it's a recipe for a very very long winter. i also got a letter about insurance issues so i'm out $200 each month and my disability equating to less than $6 an hour i can't afford losing $200 and won't be able to afford food for the animals let alone the vet bills and rent anymore. buying a car and moving is completely out of my reach. i'm tired of fighting for my health. no matter what i do to keep going, i'm only going to keep getting suicidal over and over again and the highlights never outshine the low points.

 

[Raminiki]

it's more the depressive episodes are deep and by far much longer than the mania. no matter what i do, no matter what medication i take, it doesn't get better. i keep trying to hold on, but with winter coming the season affective disorder will only aid the depression and with the PTSD getting worse and worse lately it's a recipe for a very very long winter. i also got a letter about insurance issues so i'm out $200 each month and my disability equating to less than $6 an hour i can't afford losing $200 and won't be able to afford food for the animals let alone the vet bills and rent anymore. buying a car and moving is completely out of my reach. i'm tired of fighting for my health. no matter what i do to keep going, i'm only going to keep getting suicidal over and over again and the highlights never outshine the low points.

I can empathise with much of this. The endless lows are debilitating, the highs short lasting but crippling, the SAD something to dread every year, even in the warmer months, like a Damocles Sword hanging over us, the trauma always in the shadows of the mind, ready to surface unbidden at any time and ruin the day, the trials of multiple medications rife with damaging side - effects that make things even worse.

I understand why you keep trying to end it. SN has a decent track record. Please be careful in all your preparations to avoid undue suffering. I hope something changes for you that makes your quality of life better, but likewise know that bipolar is a lifelong condition we cannot escape from except through self-deliverance. All my support.

 

[Sensei]

it's more the depressive episodes are deep and by far much longer than the mania. no matter what i do, no matter what medication i take, it doesn't get better. i keep trying to hold on, but with winter coming the season affective disorder will only aid the depression and with the PTSD getting worse and worse lately it's a recipe for a very very long winter. i also got a letter about insurance issues so i'm out $200 each month and my disability equating to less than $6 an hour i can't afford losing $200 and won't be able to afford food for the animals let alone the vet bills and rent anymore. buying a car and moving is completely out of my reach. i'm tired of fighting for my health. no matter what i do to keep going, i'm only going to keep getting suicidal over and over again and the highlights never outshine the low points.

Let's be honest, you're in a really shitty situation. You know better than me what your life's like, but from what you tell me, I can understand why you ponder upon suicide. However, I think you should do one more thing before you go through with your plans, and that is to give medication one more chance, or more. There are around 20 different medicines which are used to treat bipolar disorder, and they can be combined in different ways and be used in different doses. I very much doubt that you've tried more than a fraction of all these combinations. It takes time for them to work too, weeks and not seldom months. Medication won't solve all your problems, but once it starts working, you don't have to go through more episodes, and that's the worst part, right? By the way, it's not unusual to have more depressive episodes than manic/hypomanic episodes. In fact, it applies to the overwhelming majority. Maybe you knew that already.

 

[so tired or manic]

Let's be honest, you're in a really shitty situation. You know better than me what your life's like, but from what you tell me, I can understand why you ponder upon suicide. However, I think you should do one more thing before you go through with your plans, and that is to give medication one more chance, or more. There are around 20 different medicines which are used to treat bipolar disorder, and they can be combined in different ways and be used in different doses. I very much doubt that you've tried more than a fraction of all these combinations. It takes time for them to work too, weeks and not seldom months. Medication won't solve all your problems, but once it starts working, you don't have to go through more episodes, and that's the worst part, right? By the way, it's not unusual to have more depressive episodes than manic/hypomanic episodes. In fact, it applies to the overwhelming majority. Maybe you knew that already.

it's been a good 15 plus years of different medications. not a single one has worked well. i can deal with the bipolar. that's not why i want to ctb.

 

[Sensei]

it's been a good 15 plus years of different medications. not a single one has worked well. i can deal with the bipolar. that's not why i want to ctb.

Admittedly, 15 years is a long time. Do you remember what you've tried so far? Have you tried ECT or is that out of the question?

Of course, only you know what your life is like, but your original post certainly implies that episodes are if not the worst part, one of the worst parts of your life. Without them life would definitely be easier to bear, wouldn't it? It sure would for me. Anyway, I still think that you should wait until you're sure you don't have a depressive episode so that you can make a 100 % rational decision. Just my two cents.

 

[so tired or manic]

Admittedly, 15 years is a long time. Do you remember what you've tried so far? Have you tried ECT or is that out of the question?

Of course, only you know what your life is like, but your original post certainly implies that episodes are if not the worst part, one of the worst parts of your life. Without them life would definitely be easier to bear, wouldn't it? It sure would for me. Anyway, I still think that you should wait until you're sure you don't have a depressive episode so that you can make a 100 % rational decision. Just my two cents.

it's a problem, why wouldn't it be? but I have at least a dozen other serious medical problems that require money. i can't afford appointments to even get the bipolar medication let alone my insulin and and thyroid and botox for the migraines and hormones and surgeries and the food to keep the celiac and lactose intolerance happy and the list keeps going on. I've been diagnosed with diseases that I've been refused treatment for because of other apparently conflicting diseases. I can't afford another hospital bill and stopping insulin will take at least 4 days to do it's thing.

I've gotten second and third opinions, but no medication to treat the pain and every day is extremely painful, but I can ignore that. it's apparently all in my head. so I ignore that. there will always be a "good" day so I put up with the bad.

insurance wanted to deny my doctors appointments because I apparently shouldn't need so many specialists. I had to fight for that. diabetes is extremely difficult without the right equipment and insurance doesn't want to actually pay for anything so I'm still getting denied for reasons I, or the doctor, don't understand.

by all means, if you want to pay my bills, go ahead. life is unbearable without the $20k surgery, the cat needs an eye removed for $2k. I can't afford rent, so add another $1k. the diabetic equipment is at least $1k a month.

life is expensive. life is painful.

but I'm just depressed and will bounce back.

 

[Sensei]

it's a problem, why wouldn't it be? but I have at least a dozen other serious medical problems that require money. i can't afford appointments to even get the bipolar medication let alone my insulin and and thyroid and botox for the migraines and hormones and surgeries and the food to keep the celiac and lactose intolerance happy and the list keeps going on. I've been diagnosed with diseases that I've been refused treatment for because of other apparently conflicting diseases. I can't afford another hospital bill and stopping insulin will take at least 4 days to do it's thing.

I've gotten second and third opinions, but no medication to treat the pain and every day is extremely painful, but I can ignore that. it's apparently all in my head. so I ignore that. there will always be a "good" day so I put up with the bad.

insurance wanted to deny my doctors appointments because I apparently shouldn't need so many specialists. I had to fight for that. diabetes is extremely difficult without the right equipment and insurance doesn't want to actually pay for anything so I'm still getting denied for reasons I, or the doctor, don't understand.

by all means, if you want to pay my bills, go ahead. life is unbearable without the $20k surgery, the cat needs an eye removed for $2k. I can't afford rent, so add another $1k. the diabetic equipment is at least $1k a month.

life is expensive. life is painful.

I see. Well, those problems aren't easily solved and some of them can perhaps not be solved at all. Since they can't be solved, what remains is to learn to cope with them. Only you know if that's possible or impossible. If it's impossible then it's of course difficult to argue against your planned course of action.

but I'm just depressed and will bounce back.

I don't know if that's directed towards me or not. If it is, remember that we're on the same team; I'm not your enemy. Notice what I actually wrote: I think you should wait with your decision until you're perfectly sure you don't have a depressive episode. The decision may still be to die by your own hand, but then you will at least know for sure, as sure as one can be, that you're doing the right thing.