Opening up vs. Ctb

[LuzurPhagget]

I was actually offered by a few people at work to try shrooms with them. Honestly, I think they may have some idea I'm going through something, but not to the extent of CTB.
It's funny though. I think I would rather fukking die than open up to these people. I think I would rather die than allow them to see how much of a fucking freakshow I am. How much of an anxious, depressed, retarded, miserable virgin loser I am. And another funny thing is, I'm pretty sure they would actually try to help me. Sure, there might be some initial teasing at first, but I really feel they would legitimately try to help me. Help me "break out of my shell," help me get laid etc. I really feel they're that genuinely sweet/caring.
Unfortunately, I've come to the sad realization I simply can't grow as a person. I'm still the same insecure, autistic loser I was 10 years ago. I just CAN'T change. Or maybe I don't want to change?? Regardless, I'll still be left with the awful feeling of it being my fault when they inevitably give up on me. And then Ill inevitably end up killing myself anyway and have made THEM feel guilty for being unable to help me. It would have been better to have just kept shit to myself rather than open up to people. Hell, I actually have opened up to people in the past...and that's gotten me nowhere. Don't think it would be any different this time either.

Anyway, hope my rant made sense. Anyone else here obstinately resolute on keeping their shit to themselves to the grave and see the futility of opening up to others?

And on another note, I know shrooms can be beneficial to many, but I highly doubt so for me. These guys will be giggling and laughing and trippin balls enjoying the beautiful visuals and sensations while I'll be stuck in endless thought loops of dread and confusion. Weed doesn't agree with me, so Im sure shrooms will be the same.

 

[pole]

I was actually offered by a few people at work to try shrooms with them. Honestly, I think they may have some idea I'm going through something, but not to the extent of CTB.
It's funny though. I think I would rather fukking die than open up to these people. I think I would rather die than allow them to see how much of a fucking freakshow I am. How much of an anxious, depressed, retarded, miserable virgin loser I am. And another funny thing is, I'm pretty sure they would actually try to help me. Sure, there might be some initial teasing at first, but I really feel they would legitimately try to help me. Help me "break out of my shell," help me get laid etc. I really feel they're that genuinely sweet/caring.
Unfortunately, I've come to the sad realization I simply can't grow as a person. I'm still the same insecure, autistic loser I was 10 years ago. I just CAN'T change. Or maybe I don't want to change?? Regardless, I'll still be left with the awful feeling of it being my fault when they inevitably give up on me. And then Ill inevitably end up killing myself anyway and have made THEM feel guilty for being unable to help me. It would have been better to have just kept shit to myself rather than open up to people. Hell, I actually have opened up to people in the past...and that's gotten me nowhere. Don't think it would be any different this time either.

Anyway, hope my rant made sense. Anyone else here obstinately resolute on keeping their shit to themselves to the grave and see the futility of opening up to others?

And on another note, I know shrooms can be beneficial to many, but I highly doubt so for me. These guys will be giggling and laughing and trippin balls enjoying the beautiful visuals and sensations while I'll be stuck in endless thought loops of dread and confusion. Weed doesn't agree with me, so Im sure shrooms will be the same.

probably the post iv related to, the most in a while lol. i KEEP EVERYTHING IN. Its literally why i know therapy wont help, id walk out of the room in the first few mins. I hate talking about my feelings, id rather jump off a bridge then do that. I hate it with a PASSION. You have people who desperately seek someone to talk to about their feelings; AND THEN you have me, who had people wishing and asking me to open up to them lmao.

it took me till this past year to open up to my absolute two bestfriends about my suicidal ideations, emotions and feelings in life; and they threw it back in my face, betrayed and essentially destroyed my trust the ONE time i choose to open up to people and give it a chance; while invalidatijg how i felt behind my back to others. and NEVER till i ctb, will i make the mistake of opening up and trusting again, im pathetic for even going against my values and even trusting people even if they were my bestfriends.

my point is, if you TRULY believe they'll understand and be there for you, GENUINLY, not just for the sake of it, do it. but again, only YOU has YOU in the end. no one BUT YOU. you come into this world alone, you leave this world alone.

 

[LuzurPhagget]

probably the post iv related to, the most in a while lol. i KEEP EVERYTHING IN. Its literally why i know therapy wont help, id walk out of the room in the first few mins. I hate talking about my feelings, id rather jump off a bridge then do that. I hate it with a PASSION. You have people who desperately seek someone to talk to about their feelings; AND THEN you have me, who had people wishing and asking me to open up to them lmao.

it took me till this past year to open up to my absolute two bestfriends about my suicidal ideations, emotions and feelings in life; and they threw it back in my face, betrayed and essentially destroyed my trust the ONE time i choose to open up to people and give it a chance; while invalidatijg how i felt behind my back to others. and NEVER till i ctb, will i make the mistake of opening up and trusting again, im pathetic for even going against my values and even trusting people even if they were my bestfriends.

my point is, if you TRULY believe they'll understand and be there for you, GENUINLY, not just for the sake of it, do it. but again, only YOU has YOU in the end. no one BUT YOU. you come into this world alone, you leave this world alone.

I'm sorry they did that to you. You are the only person you'll have for the rest of your life seems to be the mantra for people like us. I probably won't end up going through with it. I don't think they're equipped to deal with my bullshit. I think I'll traumatize them lol.

 

[pole]

I'm sorry they did that to you. You are the only person you'll have for the rest of your life seems to be the mantra for people like us. I probably won't end up going through with it. I don't think they're equipped to deal with my bullshit. I think I'll traumatize them lol.

im from ontario as well, wierd fact lol. but yeah, its cool you dont gotta be sorry about it, its my own idiotic mistake of trusting.

but you definitely can be in a different situation. Theres no "us" imo in a sense. We feel the same way, but i truly believe cause you dont know yet how theyd react, if theyd genuinly care or not, that you have a chance to be cared for and understood like i wish i had :(. hope you reconsider for sure. maybe they do wanna care for you, want you to open up to them? If they truly wanna care and be there for you, nothing would traumatize or move them in a way where you opening up to them bothers them in a bad way; and never think how you feel and what u have and are going through is something that someone cant understand. the right people are equipped in dealing with any type of bs. perhaps there going through their own things and want someone else to connect and open up to? who knows. id perhaps give it a chance, but critically think about it and what they've said to this point that makes you suspect they care about you. are yall good friends, have they expressed a willingness to care for you, and love you as a friend, been there for you in the past, opened up to you? Etc. helps prevent you from being hurt.

if you really do need someone to talk to, im all ears.

 

[Tom9999]

Unfortunately, I've come to the sad realization I simply can't grow as a person. I'm still the same insecure, autistic loser I was 10 years ago. I just CAN'T change. Or maybe I don't want to change??

It sucks you are so down on yourself. And I'm sorry to hear you've been so for 10 long years

You say you feel you can't grow or change, but have you given recovery a shot? It helped me a lot. I describe the process and the end result here:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...lead-to-a-much-better-life.21890/#post-422400

 

[TAW122]

I can relate to this too. Back when I was younger (like teens or early to mid 20's), I opened up to some people and boy did I feel regret about sharing my problems. I didn't really get anywhere or get any closer to a solution, it was just one big fucking circle jerk of emotions and blue pill fantasies (basically pro-life and idealistic thinking and platitudes). It was awful and I regret opening up as that not only wasted my time and energy, got nowhere, but then also put additional scrutiny towards my life. In other words, people started to treat me 'differently' (oftenly in a condescending and demeaning way) and would oftenly meddle into my life when I didn't wish them to. I fucking hate that and ever since I suffered in silence, it was better than having superficial people feigning concern and possibly getting in my way and foiling my plans. I simply cannot afford that risk and I certainly don't want to be saved if I ever decide to "attempt". This is why I oftenly have to wear a mask (even when I don't want to). I do sometimes wish people would "understand" and "respect" my decision (or anyone's decision to CTB or live) rather than force their will, beliefs, and lifestyle on others, however, that is more than ever a fool's errand. Only the people here (and some lone individuals in the world) really "get it" when it comes to topics of suicide, death, and euthanasia.

 

[LuzurPhagget]

im from ontario as well, wierd fact lol. but yeah, its cool you dont gotta be sorry about it, its my own idiotic mistake of trusting.

but you definitely can be in a different situation. Theres no "us" imo in a sense. We feel the same way, but i truly believe cause you dont know yet how theyd react, if theyd genuinly care or not, that you have a chance to be cared for and understood like i wish i had :(. hope you reconsider for sure. maybe they do wanna care for you, want you to open up to them? If they truly wanna care and be there for you, nothing would traumatize or move them in a way where you opening up to them bothers them in a bad way; and never think how you feel and what u have and are going through is something that someone cant understand. the right people are equipped in dealing with any type of bs. perhaps there going through their own things and want someone else to connect and open up to? who knows. id perhaps give it a chance, but critically think about it and what they've said to this point that makes you suspect they care about you. are yall good friends, have they expressed a willingness to care for you, and love you as a friend, been there for you in the past, opened up to you? Etc. helps prevent you from being hurt.

if you really do need someone to talk to, im all ears.

Ha, no way. Small world. Canada's supposed to be one of the better countries to live. What the hell is our problem? Lol jk

I feel they would genuinely care actually. They've both actually had unfortunate experiences with death (one of them actually lost 2 people in a short span of time). But at the same time, they're both like 8 years my junior (I'm 28). They're frickin fun-loving, sweet kids. I don't think they would understand this thing I've been dealing with with more than half of my life. And I think part of me doesn't want them to understand; hopefully hopelessness isn't contagious.

And anyway, I think our brains are wired differently. They both seem to genuinely enjoy the therapeutic effects of weed (we actually work at a medicinal weed facility) while it just frickin messes with me. I'm thinking shrooms would be even WORSE.

 

[pole]

Ha, no way. Small world. Canada's supposed to be one of the better countries to live. What the hell is our problem? Lol jk

I feel they would genuinely care actually. They've both actually had unfortunate experiences with death (one of them actually lost 2 people in a short span of time). But at the same time, they're both like 8 years my junior (I'm 28). They're frickin fun-loving, sweet kids. I don't think they would understand this thing I've been dealing with with more than half of my life. And I think part of me doesn't want them to understand; hopefully hopelessness isn't contagious.

And anyway, I think our brains are wired differently. They both seem to genuinely enjoy the therapeutic effects of weed (we actually work at a medicinal weed facility) while it just frickin messes with me. I'm thinking shrooms would be even WORSE.

ah yeah, like iv never tried shrooms and iv only done weed once so i wouldnt know really. honestly, perhaps they really might understand. I definitely think you should try talking and opening up to them. Perhaps not like all at once, but bits by bits to see how it goes and if they understand the little ones and slowly build up to the bigger things you know? Honestly, age isnt a big deal. I feel like im 19, and id be willing to genuinly understand you. I guess it isnt about if someones gone through pain and hardship to understand someone but if there WILLINGLY to genuinly understand and care for someone instead of thinking its just the right thing to do because its the norm.

 

[LuzurPhagget]

It sucks you are so down on yourself. And I'm sorry to hear you've been so for 10 long years

You say you feel you can't grow or change, but have you given recovery a shot? It helped me a lot. I describe the process and the end result here:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...lead-to-a-much-better-life.21890/#post-422400

Eh, I've pretty much given up hope. My childhood wasn't great, but it also wasn't that bad. I'm trying to take ownership for how I feel and ain't gonna blame anyone.

It's my bloody brain and I just don't feel like fighting it much longer. This current medication isn't working and I really thought it would. Life just ain't for me and I'm willing to accept that. But thanks for the encouragement nonetheless

 

[GreyMonkey]

I find hallucinogens really scary in my instability. They take me straight to the hell that's inside.

If you find weed difficult I'd be very careful with shrooms.

 

[LuzurPhagget]

I can relate to this too. Back when I was younger (like teens or early to mid 20's), I opened up to some people and boy did I feel regret about sharing my problems. I didn't really get anywhere or get any closer to a solution, it was just one big fucking circle jerk of emotions and blue pill fantasies (basically pro-life and idealistic thinking and platitudes). It was awful and I regret opening up as that not only wasted my time and energy, got nowhere, but then also put additional scrutiny towards my life. In other words, people started to treat me 'differently' (oftenly in a condescending and demeaning way) and would oftenly meddle into my life when I didn't wish them to. I fucking hate that and ever since I suffered in silence, it was better than having superficial people feigning concern and possibly getting in my way and foiling my plans. I simply cannot afford that risk and I certainly don't want to be saved if I ever decide to "attempt". This is why I oftenly have to wear a mask (even when I don't want to). I do sometimes wish people would "understand" and "respect" my decision (or anyone's decision to CTB or live) rather than force their will, beliefs, and lifestyle on others, however, that is more than ever a fool's errand. Only the people here (and some lone individuals in the world) really "get it" when it comes to topics of suicide, death, and euthanasia.

Lol, I too use the phrase "fucking circle jerk." I feel like I've just been going in circles. Fuking circle jerks lmao.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Lol, I too use the phrase "fucking circle jerk." I feel like I've just been going in circles. Fuking circle jerks lmao.

idk if you know this or not but that isn't where the term "circle jerk" stems from

 

[LuzurPhagget]

idk if you know this or not but that isn't where the term "circle jerk" stems from

Aha

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

30 years ago I avoided shrooms ... there they were sitting in the jar .

I think at the time , it would have been a shit show,

I wasn't on top of myself - "emotionally centred . calm, ok about myself "

A lot of people do tripping on top of a healthy ego and never having known anything else and experience the 'ego death' as a liberating enlightenment experience .
( My third hand inexperienced understanding.)

I've never fucking had an ego !
I've pretended like a rabid motherfucker with 'friends' to just get traction socially ...

Could you hang out as a non participating observer ?
Jumping straight into tripping may be a normal thing for some socially ... but seems
a bit extreme ... it seems reasonable to be reticent .
( I've dclined substances socially from 'friend' drug pigs in the past ... wondering how they
could function !! )
I think that would interest me ...

I'm approaching a zone of maybe doing this stuff...
But I don't have the people around to do it with - or the shrooms.

( I enjoyed Pollans "How to change your mind " ... but the dude is a 'normal normal' )

( Having safe people to be open with is very important , and difficult to find,
I hope it some how evolves for you . )

 

[sleepy dog]

My sister and her boyfriend did mushrooms together and she told me "You think it's real but it's not.", meaning the trip they went on. It lasted years. She thought it would become real but it didn't. I didn't really understand exactly. I wouldn't do them myself, no way.

 

[LuzurPhagget]

My sister and her boyfriend did mushrooms together and she told me "You think it's real but it's not.", meaning the trip they went on. It lasted years. She thought it would become real but it didn't. I didn't really understand exactly. I wouldn't do them myself, no way.

Wow. Hmm. Time truly is a funny thing (Our ability to perceive it etc. Don't really appreciate it until you've taken drugs). Hell, maybe life itself is some kind of trip that seems to last forever!
And I heard from some that sometimes you "don't come back" from a trip. I KNOW things can always get worse, so would I really want to mess up my last few days before exiting. Hmm