I'm right where you are mentally. Sure I think about ctb all the time but I'm going to try the fuck out of living just for today. I've had trauma in my life that a lot of you can relate to. I've had my ups and downs. If I was completely alone (and sometimes this is how I feel) ctb would be a lot easier. But I play that tape through and I see myself dead and all the people I leave behind to mourn. Some will miss me because they really love me. Others who love me and didn't do the proper things to make me feel like a loved human (parents) will take my suicide the hardest and it will kill them inside. I used to want to hurt the people who hurted me, to make them feel miserable too. But now that I'm older I realize that they did what they did because they didn't know any other way -- basically they did the best they could. I hurt deeply inside and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
Life can be a bitch and some people are just handed the wrong deck of cards that are sometimes beyond their control.
