Bong-Hit-Transplant
Member
- May 11, 2021
- 84
I'm going to hopefully give myself the entire night to go through with it when I feel like it, but generally speaking, 24 hours from now I'll be dead.
I never really struggled too hard with SI, but right now alarm bells are going off in my head. I think my lizard-brain was just in a state of disbelief. It kind of felt like this was just another fantasy to make myself feel better, but finalizing my note, leaving things where I want people to find them, filling in the details of my plan. It's all becoming extremely real, and to be honest, I'm really fucking scared. I've been planning this for months, but now I just can't shake the feeling that I should just give up. Delete my note. Sleep in tomorrow. Just say fuck it to this whole thing and pretend it never happened.
I know that's a stupid idea. I'm sure it would feel great the first few days or weeks, having this weight lifted off my shoulders, but as time goes on the same dread and emptiness would creep in and I'd be back at square one. It's just that I'm not as collected as I thought I'd be, and it's making me really apprehensive. I made a promise to myself I would never CTB impulsively, that I'd wait until I was extremely confident in my decision, and now this last-minute anxiety is throwing me for a loop.
God, I'm just so tired. Not even my suicide can be pleasant. I've done enough fucking contemplating. I need to power through to the finish line. I just want this to be over.
I never really struggled too hard with SI, but right now alarm bells are going off in my head. I think my lizard-brain was just in a state of disbelief. It kind of felt like this was just another fantasy to make myself feel better, but finalizing my note, leaving things where I want people to find them, filling in the details of my plan. It's all becoming extremely real, and to be honest, I'm really fucking scared. I've been planning this for months, but now I just can't shake the feeling that I should just give up. Delete my note. Sleep in tomorrow. Just say fuck it to this whole thing and pretend it never happened.
I know that's a stupid idea. I'm sure it would feel great the first few days or weeks, having this weight lifted off my shoulders, but as time goes on the same dread and emptiness would creep in and I'd be back at square one. It's just that I'm not as collected as I thought I'd be, and it's making me really apprehensive. I made a promise to myself I would never CTB impulsively, that I'd wait until I was extremely confident in my decision, and now this last-minute anxiety is throwing me for a loop.
God, I'm just so tired. Not even my suicide can be pleasant. I've done enough fucking contemplating. I need to power through to the finish line. I just want this to be over.