Story One thing that might solve all the problems

[Whiskeyjames]

Ctb has been all over my head since my life went 180 degree downward about over a year ago...there are so many things, mentally, physically, financially, and etc.. suicidal thoughts became my defense mechanism, and some knew that I attempted twice but failed, what does that mean? Does satan think I'm not good enough for hell?

But for both times when I woke up from the attempts, I could felt deep in my heart, I knew that there is one thing that might solve my problems, that might improve my mental and physical health, I always thought money is what I want but no, I had a strong rush for love.. I want to experience love again, not just receiving but also giving...

I was so lonely in the past few years I realized what I missing in life was love, or someone that I could actually fight for living...it has been a few years since my last relationship and that wasn't love but mindless fucks... I also left my family and country for a really long time (left at good terms)

I realized I am those kind of people who don't really mind self destruction but I would care so much about people I love, I would rather fight/work hard for those who I love over myself...

I should be a gifter, not a taker... I want a love one that I could sacrifice my life to protect, I want them to be the happiest person...I think the only way to solve my problems now is to look for someone that I am willing to live for...and also die for...then I will have to force myself to get better because I don't live for myself, but for others...

So what is the one thing that could you think my solve your problems besides ctb...?

P.S. sound for sounding pathetic as fuck but I just want to be honest to myself for once...

 

[Whiskeyjames]

Open up my heart = being a bitch in my culture ... Yeah fucktard pussy ass bitch...

 

[lost_soul83]

Ctb has been all over my head since my life went 180 degree downward about over a year ago...there are so many things, mentally, physically, financially, and etc.. suicidal thoughts became my defense mechanism, and some knew that I attempted twice but failed, what does that mean? Does satan think I'm not good enough for hell?

But for both times when I woke up from the attempts, I could felt deep in my heart, I knew that there is one thing that might solve my problems, that might improve my mental and physical health, I always thought money is what I want but no, I had a strong rush for love.. I want to experience love again, not just receiving but also giving...

I was so lonely in the past few years I realized what I missing in life was love, or someone that I could actually fight for living...it has been a few years since my last relationship and that wasn't love but mindless fucks... I also left my family and country for a really long time (left at good terms)

I realized I am those kind of people who don't really mind self destruction but I would care so much about people I love, I would rather fight/work hard for those who I love over myself...

I should be a gifter, not a taker... I want a love one that I could sacrifice my life to protect, I want them to be the happiest person...I think the only way to solve my problems now is to look for someone that I am willing to live for...and also die for...then I will have to force myself to get better because I don't live for myself, but for others...

So what is the one thing that could you think my solve your problems besides ctb...?

P.S. sound for sounding pathetic as fuck but I just want to be honest to myself for once...

Trust me, I know how it feels to want to have something or someone to live for, not just to receive love, but to give it as well. My only opinion is, and I'm not trying to be a bitch and insult you, but that's an awful lot of pressure to put on someone.

I'm in the opposite position; I've got too many people that care for me and that makes it that much harder to think about ctb cuz I feel guilty af and like a piece of shit for even thinking about it.

Just make sure that if you find a person that makes life worth living, hold on tight and don't let go cuz those people are few and far between.

Much love to you! Message me anytime:-)

 

[Whiskeyjames]

Trust me, I know how it feels to want to have something or someone to live for, not just to receive love, but to give it as well. My only opinion is, and I'm not trying to be a bitch and insult you, but that's an awful lot of pressure to put on someone.

I'm in the opposite position; I've got too many people that care for me and that makes it that much harder to think about ctb cuz I feel guilty af and like a piece of shit for even thinking about it.

Just make sure that if you find a person that makes life worth living, hold on tight and don't let go cuz those people are few and far between.

Much love to you! Message me anytime:-)

Really appreciate your honesty! Yes it is very true, the pressure is actually touch when you on the receiving side.. especially if similar minded (but similar minded are usually a better match from my experience)

I guess what you also mean is that love should be something that is equal/balanced right? Most love turned sour/bitter because that love is no long on equal/similar balance...

there are so much to learn...but thanks for your encouragement;)

 

[journeytotheend]

First of all, I think it´s nothing pathetic about opening up and trying to be true to yourself. If anything I think it´s admirable.

I also chased love as the solution to my problems, but it worked only for a while for me at least. Being head over heels in love and the rush it gives you, in the beginning, can bring new meaning to life. Love made me able to push myself harder than I ever had, and I had some of the best years of my life in that relationship. Of course, the problems I had going into the relationship didn´t disappear, even though they initially felt more distant. Living with mental illness can make you feel like you´re drowning and this, of course, affects a partner. In the end, she had to leave to catch a breath.
I don´t mean to discourage you to not chase love. I´ve seen plenty of healthy and solid relationships, where one or both have their own struggles. Just be careful viewing love as a cure for your problems.

I really wish you all the best, and I hope you find the love you long for.

 

[Whiskeyjames]

That is very true, thank you for sharing your experience with us! Indeed, this is just a short term solution if we couldn't continue find ways to improve on other aspects of life...this is not an easy process, just like life..

I'm just curious how did you crop with your mental illness when the relationship doesn't work out? It must be worst then before we found her right? (Or in other wat of way of asking, what did you learn from it??)

Ty

 

[JustAboutDone]

Hi @Whiskeyjames I admire the honesty in your post. I think a lot of people would like love in their lives but are scared of having it - or scared of losing it. This is especially true if people have any sort of attachment issues from their childhood where their primary caregiver has failed them in providing love unconditionally and they haven't been able to develop love and trust growing up.

Love can be a wonderful thing which can enrich our lives and change us and help us grow.

I hope you find someone special

 

[journeytotheend]

That is very true, thank you for sharing your experience with us! Indeed, this is just a short term solution if we couldn't continue find ways to improve on other aspects of life...this is not an easy process, just like life..

I'm just curious how did you crop with your mental illness when the relationship doesn't work out? It must be worst then before we found her right? (Or in other wat of way of asking, what did you learn from it??)

Ty

It´s always sad when a relationship doesn´t work out, but this ended on good terms, and we remain close friends. Both my depression and anxiety got a bit worse for a few months but came back to it´s "regular"-level.
I don´t feel it´s worse now than before we met, I was thinking about ctb before the relationship, during it, and I still do.

 

[JustAboutDone]

It´s always sad when a relationship doesn´t work out, but this ended on good terms, and we remain close friends. Both my depression and anxiety got a bit worse for a few months but came back to it´s "regular"-level.
I don´t feel it´s worse now than before we met, I was thinking about ctb before the relationship, during it, and I still do.

@journeytotheend i love your attitude - it's nice when a relationship can end but people can still get along. X

 

[Whiskeyjames]

It´s always sad when a relationship doesn´t work out, but this ended on good terms, and we remain close friends. Both my depression and anxiety got a bit worse for a few months but came back to it´s "regular"-level.
I don´t feel it´s worse now than before we met, I was thinking about ctb before the relationship, during it, and I still do.

You are a real man, after so many heartbroken incidents and with the mental precondition you still can manage to climb on top of everything... You are already much braver than many ordinary people. Mad respect and I think the good Karma is on it's way to you!! I will definitely learn from you too!

 

[journeytotheend]

@journeytotheend i love your attitude - it's nice when a relationship can end but people can still get along. X

Communication and honesty build strong relationships, and it can also be the end one. But you save yourselves from a lot of conflicts and resentment.

 

[journeytotheend]

You are a real man, after so many heartbroken incidents and with the mental precondition you still can manage to climb on top of everything... You are already much braver than many ordinary people. Mad respect and I think the good Karma is on it's way to you!! I will definitely learn from you too!

Thanks, and sorry if i hijacked your thread a bit.