Once upon a time... suicide discussion then and now

[XiaroX]

I am not sure if this is the right section for this, but I'll try to tie it together.

I recently went through detox (not in a hospital or rehab place, but at home, and it was fucking hell), and I am sober. I'm afraid to tell people about this or how long, etc, because I would feel guilty and uneasy if they were to offer words of encouragement or praise. Ever since I started drinking many moons ago, every time I've tried to get sober, my motivation is: so I can get it together well enough to carry out a suicide.

And bear in mind, I don't really like any methods at all, and I actually want medical assistance.

This place is kind of addictive, and there are many posts I want to respond to and I feel lame just leaving an emoji. Sometimes I leave hugs, because it seems the most appropriate, but in person, I have trouble being touched or hugged. A lot of the time, a post is really complicated, and I like that kind of thing, but I know I'm not together enough to give a reply a poster deserves. Also, almost everything is a trigger for me. Talking to people, phones, cameras everywhere, streaming services, reading - the list goes on. And sitting in a dark room bored is also a trigger. Anyway, it might be better for my sobriety and suicide chances to avoid this group, but I find it easy to keep reading post after post. I still don't really know my way around, but I have bookmarked threads - and it still seems like I have lost my way to certain things I saw.

I have been sure I wanted to die for more than 3 decades, and I know there are others here who have wanted death for a very long time. Does our suffering matter to the algorithms, or is it only important how many documented attempts or successful attempts occur? And will the data be analyzed such that resources, compassion and societal understanding will magically appear, and
world problems disappear? I'm not sure I have more faith in that than I do in how streaming services analyze data. (I fucking resent not being able to say why I like or don't like something.)

One thing that scares me is that more than 25 years ago, when I was first discussing these things online, even back then people were endlessly discussing methods and feeling worthless and useless, and not getting help they needed. Back then, it didn't even occur to me there could ever be better options. If you're mentally ill or life has fucked you in some way or you just do not like the world the way it is, or if you can recognize your patterns and know where they're going and you know how the world works and what changes are realistic or not in the near future, and know it's not just self-fulfilling prophecies, you must bite the bullet and choose something that horrifies you and might traumatize others, or you just might not have access to anything, and feel hopelessly stuck. It seems like most people still feel like it's their responsibility to take responsibility for their trauma. They have to apologize to everyone, and no one has to apologize to them.

If self-fulfilling prophecies are real, then why am I not dead yet? And if creative visualization works, and I imagined a good death over and over, why am I not dead yet? and I know that although I could define these attempts as having a positive attitude in impossible circumstances, other people will not agree with me. I was also open to my subconscious leading me to something that appealed to me.

There were a lot of flamewars back then, and I actually found that pretty stressful. Also, back then I was cutting (I haven't for a long time now), and I think sometimes I was seeking something for coming across as 'cool' or a kickass Suicide Girl archetype. When you're isolated and depressed, and someone gives you sexual validation, it can be something that's difficult to give up, even once you know it's not you. I'm not in that headspace anymore. I know I'm sad, broken, and I would not be able to see my suicide as a fuck you to the world.

I think also people were less likely to be open about things like mental health, unemployment, sexual dysfunction, and other topics people will tackle now. I see improvements here. And I also think it's good to have a recovery section, and also the new sections here - and I have a definite interest in discussing assisted death. But I still think some marginalized groups might have trouble communicating here.

But I kind of liked that in the past it was all about the words (no profile images), and that there wasn't the stress or competition of a rating system. (and I'm somewhat nostalgic, but I doubt anyone would call them the 'good old days'.) I know, evolve or die. Well, I choose death. Please help me. Help me help myself.

 

[Qilio3]

You've definitely chosen the wrong section of the forum, if you want effective help. As far as I understand, the people in this section are mostly those who have already given up, or are very close to it.



Personally, I have a rough idea of what could help you, me, or someone else. But it's just a rough idea. That's probably why I only visit this section of the forum.

 

[Forever Sleep]

That's an interesting question- do people really care about those suffering or, only the numbers of those who suicide? I think it tends to be the latter. I think because it's assumed that all people suffer and, we just have to get on with it.

Literally- 1 in 3 people in my friend's workplace was on antidepressants. These are people presumably healthy enough to work but, they've all been diagnosed with depression- to be on medication for it. I think it's almost worryingly normal to be expected to struggle. 'That's life'- as you'll hear people say.

Asides from a few obvious exceptions- when the disability is obvious, I think there's probably genuine confusion over just what is normal now. I even feel it, to be truthful. I definitely don't struggle as much as some people here but, I'm not sure all. But, I live a reasonably high functioning life. So- there's that whole thing of- is it that we truthfully can't do something- even just live or, is it that we find it difficult so, we won't? People find it less acceptable when we choose not to comply with the norm.

I doubt people would mind if you answered just briefly on threads- if you wanted to. I think most people are accomodating in as much- we probably understand that some days, we aren't up to replying in great detail and at length.

As for the help out there, I think there's a worrying assumption that everyone can be helped and the help will be effective. The police officers who did my welfare check following the whole IC SN investigation were surprised that I had talked to a therapist/ been on meds in the past. As in- so- why aren't you better? They were actually surprisingly kind to be honest. They even said I could ring them- which is so lovely but, a ridiculous waste of resources I'd say. I think there's maybe a disbelief that maybe no one can help and more- that we don't want their help necessarily.