S
Snowdrifts1212
Member
- Sep 16, 2020
- 33
I got away from this forum for awhile. I haven't even bothered to check my profile for how long. Weeks? Maybe a month or two? I decided to try life again and wasn't feeling so strongly that I needed to CTB. For awhile it felt okay. There was even a bit of hope.
That all crashed and went away last week. I'm back where I started, but worse. I can't keep doing this cycle and it's all I have ever known.
But now, I just feel helpless. I want to make serious plans to CTB. I can't almost bear the thought of even a few more days, let alone a week or a month. But I never did figure out how to order SN to Canada safely, so now I'm back here and don't have any, and no other method really appeals. It's too bad because this week I'm going to have a few days somewhere very peaceful and private. It would have been perfect if I'd been more pro-active sooner.
So I guess I have to figure that out for real and then just keep suffering every day until it's time. I feel so lazy and useless — I can't even plan to CTB right. And, I'm still scared of dying, I guess. But I'm so much more scared of staying alive and this never getting better. It's unendurable.
Thank you for listening.
That all crashed and went away last week. I'm back where I started, but worse. I can't keep doing this cycle and it's all I have ever known.
But now, I just feel helpless. I want to make serious plans to CTB. I can't almost bear the thought of even a few more days, let alone a week or a month. But I never did figure out how to order SN to Canada safely, so now I'm back here and don't have any, and no other method really appeals. It's too bad because this week I'm going to have a few days somewhere very peaceful and private. It would have been perfect if I'd been more pro-active sooner.
So I guess I have to figure that out for real and then just keep suffering every day until it's time. I feel so lazy and useless — I can't even plan to CTB right. And, I'm still scared of dying, I guess. But I'm so much more scared of staying alive and this never getting better. It's unendurable.
Thank you for listening.