Hello everyone,
I have been having severe chronic depression for the past twelve years. Most likely due to an unfortunate experience when I was eighteen. It comes and goes, half of my life since has been tainted by suicidal thoughts. The urge to take my own life has on multiple occasions been loud enough for me to try and catch the bus. Once with a rope, but the support broke, along with my right ankle. Two others with medications, but my body survived them without much consequences.
I went to therapy, since my parents got quite scared of it all, and I talked to them about it on the third fail. Not quite sure if it worked properly since the thoughts were still as loud as before even with cognitive therapy. Tried hypnosis as well, didn't really work. The medications I tried made my emotions numb, and that felt worse than the thoughts themselves. In the end I learned to control most impulses through self-suggestion, meditation, and repeating mantras along the lines of : "This too shall pass."
It has now been eight years since my last attempt at taking my own life, I recovered quite well. But I don't know what to do now to be honest, the depression is still here, dark thoughts haven't disappeared, motivation is absent, ambition nowhere to be found. My emotions still work I think, they are not numbed by medication, but I feel empty.
What I do most days is simply sit at my desk, dazed. I just passed thirty years old mind you, so I have bills,and social obligations. Still, I feel empty, like a grey mass of nothing. I don't understand why, so I mimic friends, family, give the appearance of joy and care, but there is nothing behind it. I live alone, so the human interactions stay infrequent, it might feed into the thoughts but I honestly no longer care enough. Thus I began to think again about ending, and thought I'd put together an exit bag. The first link that popped up was on this here website.
After reading the thread on the topic I was satisfied, it was quite detailed, in my budget, more secure and seemingly less painful than most methods. Feeling empty, I didn't want to fill my last moment with pain. But I got curious about the website, and happened upon the story of Mio_Kamimachi. I empathized with her feeling apathetic and numb to most things, the tiredness, the stress, the fear. The genuine moments of emotion written in her posts. Thus I made an account, read your stories, and wanted to thank you.
It might sound strange, but it made me hold on for a day, made the thoughts a bit quieter. It made me feel gratitude. So I thank you for being alive and having written your posts Mio.
Thanks to all of you for taking the time to read the short story of a guy you don't know.
I have been having severe chronic depression for the past twelve years. Most likely due to an unfortunate experience when I was eighteen. It comes and goes, half of my life since has been tainted by suicidal thoughts. The urge to take my own life has on multiple occasions been loud enough for me to try and catch the bus. Once with a rope, but the support broke, along with my right ankle. Two others with medications, but my body survived them without much consequences.
I went to therapy, since my parents got quite scared of it all, and I talked to them about it on the third fail. Not quite sure if it worked properly since the thoughts were still as loud as before even with cognitive therapy. Tried hypnosis as well, didn't really work. The medications I tried made my emotions numb, and that felt worse than the thoughts themselves. In the end I learned to control most impulses through self-suggestion, meditation, and repeating mantras along the lines of : "This too shall pass."
It has now been eight years since my last attempt at taking my own life, I recovered quite well. But I don't know what to do now to be honest, the depression is still here, dark thoughts haven't disappeared, motivation is absent, ambition nowhere to be found. My emotions still work I think, they are not numbed by medication, but I feel empty.
What I do most days is simply sit at my desk, dazed. I just passed thirty years old mind you, so I have bills,and social obligations. Still, I feel empty, like a grey mass of nothing. I don't understand why, so I mimic friends, family, give the appearance of joy and care, but there is nothing behind it. I live alone, so the human interactions stay infrequent, it might feed into the thoughts but I honestly no longer care enough. Thus I began to think again about ending, and thought I'd put together an exit bag. The first link that popped up was on this here website.
After reading the thread on the topic I was satisfied, it was quite detailed, in my budget, more secure and seemingly less painful than most methods. Feeling empty, I didn't want to fill my last moment with pain. But I got curious about the website, and happened upon the story of Mio_Kamimachi. I empathized with her feeling apathetic and numb to most things, the tiredness, the stress, the fear. The genuine moments of emotion written in her posts. Thus I made an account, read your stories, and wanted to thank you.
It might sound strange, but it made me hold on for a day, made the thoughts a bit quieter. It made me feel gratitude. So I thank you for being alive and having written your posts Mio.
Thanks to all of you for taking the time to read the short story of a guy you don't know.
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