Interesting... I think maybe the key to getting the courage to ctb might be to just fully accept that you're fully onboard with the move, even if it's relying on conjecture. And embrace that you might just have to face your sins, and it might not be fun at all for a long time, but you're intention is to genuinely set things right, reach some sort of stable ground where things can actually improve.
Yeah, I've thought about it in terms of staying alive to improve the next life slightly, and so on and so forth. But also maybe there's some even stronger rationale to suicide that I'm not quite seeing. Like a big one is instant relief- regardless of whatever else that entails further down the line.
Either way, in all this, aside from desire to avoid potential pain and stuff, I'm strangely not even that scared of death, it's like a worry that's matured past holding death as a necessarily bad thing. Never as a kid did I imagine I'd be tangling with that kind of thinking.
And still through all of this, for all we know all this eternal soul type reincarnation stuff is not true. Maybe there is only this life. idk
This dude was in a similar headspace as us. He was reflecting on suicide, the value of living, the nature of reality, all this stuff. Not just as some intellectual/creative, but in a tortured, direct-experiential, drug-related kind of way. He was coping with his aggressive schizo-ness thru fiction.
I don't know what it's worth that we seem to relate to each other, but it is nice to hear, I take some kind of satisfaction to hear I'm not alone in that way. I think this is evidence of either 1) We are vaguely fumbling around in the dark for ideas that are universal but largely unspoken 2) Similar common ideas in spirituality lead to similar worldviews to develop in multiple people. Could also be both, or neither.
Yeah, I think this way too. I've been seduced by a common thing I hear around to the effect of "the mental state/conditions with which you ctb will shape your next birth", and something about that feels like it would be true. But also, we don't even know if it is. Maybe if we kill ourselves, our problems really get more relieved than we could ever have imagined, and the consequences we're imagining are just- projections of the mind's expectations and beliefs about cause and effect and a just world. How do we know it's really true? We don't, but fear basically keeps us locked into the beliefs. Maya.
Yeah, I feel like the real hell I lived while I was younger and also out of control with addictions was NOT seeing the potential for this to be true, instead having the conviction that I only have one life, and I've already fucked it up insanely, and seeing no alternate explanation to this extremely harsh and unfair world where we're all born with such disparities in circumstances, and that's all that happens, and you die, and that's it. The first time I got suicidal is when I awoke to the fact that maybe I actually can't die, which was a huge liberation from that previous hell state, but also its own huge can of worms, and has probably, strangely, driven me closer to suicide.
Yeah, I've thought about it in terms of staying alive to improve the next life slightly, and so on and so forth. But also maybe there's some even stronger rationale to suicide that I'm not quite seeing. Like a big one is instant relief- regardless of whatever else that entails further down the line.
Either way, in all this, aside from desire to avoid potential pain and stuff, I'm strangely not even that scared of death, it's like a worry that's matured past holding death as a necessarily bad thing. Never as a kid did I imagine I'd be tangling with that kind of thinking.
And still through all of this, for all we know all this eternal soul type reincarnation stuff is not true. Maybe there is only this life. idk
