Hello everyone, this is my first post here, though I've been lurking for a while now. Writing this feels a bit selfish so I'll apologize in advance. Today is my birthday, and for years that has represented the lowest point for me, having nobody really understand why I'm so against celebrating, why I can't even bring myself to see it as a day worth celebrating.
I'm what you would call passively suicidal, I guess. I wake up, I consider it as an option and I think, okay, that's that, if I need to, I will do it. But every once in a while, and inevitably on my birthday, I'm confronted with how most people view being born and being alive vs how I view it. It makes me feel alone in ways I normally wouldn't consider. My best friend of 7 years is an angel, who knows about my situation and has done nothing but respect that one day I will not be around anymore, much sooner than she'd like, but even talking to her isn't enough on days like this one because as much as she loves me, she doesn't quite get it.
That brings me to this post. I had something I wanted to live for, one of those small, silly things most people would make fun of, but circumstances prevented me from doing even that, which has doubled the misery of today. So I'm shouting about my misery into the virtual world because I've lurked on the forum long enough to know you guys would get at least the gist of it.
I was born - appropriate wording as it's something that was done TO me - 23 years ago today, and I can't remember a time when that was ever anything but a burden.
I'm what you would call passively suicidal, I guess. I wake up, I consider it as an option and I think, okay, that's that, if I need to, I will do it. But every once in a while, and inevitably on my birthday, I'm confronted with how most people view being born and being alive vs how I view it. It makes me feel alone in ways I normally wouldn't consider. My best friend of 7 years is an angel, who knows about my situation and has done nothing but respect that one day I will not be around anymore, much sooner than she'd like, but even talking to her isn't enough on days like this one because as much as she loves me, she doesn't quite get it.
That brings me to this post. I had something I wanted to live for, one of those small, silly things most people would make fun of, but circumstances prevented me from doing even that, which has doubled the misery of today. So I'm shouting about my misery into the virtual world because I've lurked on the forum long enough to know you guys would get at least the gist of it.
I was born - appropriate wording as it's something that was done TO me - 23 years ago today, and I can't remember a time when that was ever anything but a burden.
