Venting Okay

[ABadPerson]

I can't be bothered with writing the usual structure right now my head is crushing me too bad. Its funny how often people recommend mental health institutions yet each and every time it has failed me or made me worse, SSRIs causing me psychosis is not what I expected from 'help'. I've tried so much, all the different methods people have said, all the dumb 'advice' imaginable and now I realise how unfixable I really am; maybe it's due to institutes being used to common depression, and I'm not as externally unstable as others typically are, I've tried to ask for Bupropion as that's more inline with my genuine state yet been either refused or constantly pushed back in that regards, just constantly switching between med after med which only makes me seem to go more and more insane it is genuinely fucking with my mental state so bad I hardly can even mental function properly anymore, it's like a real physical block stopping me from so many activities I used to at least be able to push through, now it's devoid. My brain is empty, constantly having weird sensations that are close to pain yet isnt, hallucinations that I would quickly snap out of, episodes where I can hardly even see people as people yet this is supposed to be helping me? I never saw any point in any of this in the first place and only was forced to reach out yet now that I have experienced all of this for the majority of my life I just want it to end, I always knew it would never really helped but I expected at least it would make life a bit more tolerable right? It makes me regret failing my only attempt even more, I should've just died. People must feel so proud of themselves pushing others towards the trap that is the mental health institutes all over UK, like saviours for telling others to 'get therapy' or start meds when this seems to be the common outcome for more severe depression, start a hobby? I lost all dopamine now, my serotonin levels are utterly fucked, none of this means anything to me, why would it help? I have tried so many yet lost interest in them all, stupid as fuck I don't care about any of this I don't care about love or interests or dreams or goals I genuinely feel nothing even as people show interest in me or give out compliments I just don't care why am i like this I'm going to break, it's just a constant agonising pressure weighing on my mind everyday.

 

[Chemi]

Bupropion has been pretty good to me. Tried 5 different meds against depression, which all worsened my mood quite drastically. Bupropion was the first that actually helped. Other than that, lithium and aripiprazole helped as well by just numbing me out extremely, but they aren't really comparable to SSRI.
Keep trying to get some Bupropion. It's definitely worth a shot!

 

[-Link-]

You've made mention of depression, emotional volatility, severe derealization, SSRI-induced psychosis, and hallucinations you "quickly snap out of". Plus concern about dopamine and serotonin levels.

You also allude to getting bounced around in the NHS, not being taken anywhere near seriously enough, and what sounds like medication changes that have been happening too quickly. But any patient dealing with the above-mentioned issues needs consistency in treatment and close monitoring of slow(er) changes to medication.

You mention your issues aren't outwardly apparent. This, combined with a relatively young age and combined with the significant shortcomings of the NHS is a setup to be taken far less seriously than need be and thus having one "quick fix" after another pushed upon you.

A few things come to mind here, each involving staying engaged with the NHS but trying to access a better quality of service as you do so.

The NHS has a Patient Advice and Liaison Service (link) that could be engaged for purposes of advice in this situation and for help towards "resolving concerns or problems when you're using the NHS." This, I would infer to include assistance with navigating the mental healthcare system (eg. being taken more seriously). I say this without being able to endorse it -- rather, just as a potential avenue to explore.

I don't know what communication between you and your treating practitioners looks like. But, generally speaking: In talking with doctors or patient liaisons or anyone else in the healthcare system, I suggest minimizing usage of clinical terms and communicating more in layman's terms by describing symptoms and the functional impacts those symptoms have (eg. ability to work or go to school, ability to maintain relationships, ability to perform activities of daily living). And try to avoid communicating in assumptive verbiage, instead using facts-based phrasing as much as possible. For example, instead of "I lost all my dopamine" (assumption), you could say something like, "I'm concerned about my dopamine levels" (fact). Take that one step further because I'm not sure it would benefit you to even mention the word "dopamine" at all with these people. Instead you could phrase it something like, "I feel like I've lost all my motivation and interest in doing anything."

An exception to this may be if you're requesting a specific medication. In anticipation of pushback, you could ready yourself ahead of time with a credible study or two to cite that supports your request. (About buproprion specifically, a doctor may be hesitant to prescribe this to a patient with history of psychosis or psychotic-like symptoms.) If you have to get sciencey with a doctor, try to control your tone in a way where you're not coming off as if you think you know more than the doctor. Again, avoid assumptions in favour of facts, the difference between, "According to this study, buproprion should be OK for me to try" (assumption) and, "I was researching buproprion, and it sounded to me as if this study supports buproprion in my case" (fact).

I would also advise basically always going into mental health appointments with prepared notes either in a notes app or, perhaps even better, on paper via printout or handwritten. As well, if you're not already doing this, I encourage you to keep careful track of all medication changes, including changes in dosage. Don't rely on a treating practitioner to be automatically familiar with your medication history (or even your current regimen), even if they're seeing you on a routine basis. Always have this information on standby just in case you think they need a reminder in the moment.

Adding here as well, this gem from @U. A. in another thread on the subject of "how to get help from doctors":

Welcome to hell.

This is such a massive problem that prominent health publications have written how-to guides on it:

How to Get Your Doctor to Listen to You—the First Time

You deserve great health care!

www.prevention.com

I recommend reading it all (even if not all of it is explicitly worthwhile to you in the end), but the TL;DR is basically—know more than them without letting on that you do, and trick them into doing what you want them to do without them realising it wasn't their idea.

The most pertinent bit is truncated here, so to highlight it: "...the TL;DR is basically—know more than them without letting on that you do, and trick them into doing what you want them to do without them realising it wasn't their idea."