Venting ocd driving me insane

[chuckapalahniuk27]

my moms always been a really spiritual person who believes in manifestation and everything.
as a kid, she told me if you think hard enough about something with the right intentions you can make it happen.
not sure where i stand in terms of believing that because i do think life is so absurd shit just happens, coincidences are coincidences. depending on how good your pattern recognition is you can think something will happen, hope it will happen, and it'll happen either way, but you'll think you manifested it because you recognized the most realistic course of events that could play out. (am i making sense??)

maybe if it is real, the reason it doesn't always work is because you have to practice it, really really pour in all your energy, and truly believe it'll happen, but we all have doubts in the back of our minds, so its hard to do.

my problem is that i now have this fear that i'll manifest bad things, horrible things, just by having intrusive thoughts/bad thoughts about people in general.

for example, my mom left for work the other day and i had this thought:
"she's going to get into a car crash and that'll be the last time you ever see her."

bro what?? so obviously this thought sends me into a panic and i think:
"don't think about that or she'll really get into a car crash. you're going to cause her to die in a car crash"

i was so scared about that one thought, i had to turn on a movie and whisper to myself "everything is okay, it'll all work out, you'll see her tonight" over and over and over again. this is usually what i repeat to myself when it gets really bad, and i'm lucky if i don't have a full blown panic attack (if i do have a panic attack, i sometimes think "am i having a heart attack?", but then i think i might manifest a real heart attack by thinking THAT, so i have to distract myself from those thoughts, but i guess it all works out because i'm more focused on not dying of a heart attack than my thoughts of my mom dying in a car crash. just kidding, i think them both at once, it's an endless hell loop.)

i had to keep saying it until i could drown out my other thoughts and until i believed she would be okay. it's exhausting. i know my mom didn't even mean it that literally, but my brain held onto it, and i wish i never knew about manifestation in the first place. it sucks even more because most of the time it doesn't just go away, i have to keep the soothing thoughts on a loop in my mind to stay calm, so i can't really focus on/do anything else.
it's been getting more and more frequent, i want to just think nothing for a while, i want a break from feeling scared all the time.

 

[whitetaildeer]

Holy fuck this is so relatable that I could have written this thread. My mother was Pagan and instilled these beliefs into me pretty hard as a child; it took me years to break out of this noxious mindset.

I think the most important thing to do with OCD is not try to think your way out of it. You cannot think your way out of OCD; rumination is, in fact, a compulsion. Your best bet is obviously therapy (ERP or CBT come to mind) and medication, but if you can't do that at the moment, no shame in that. Right now I try to dismiss the intrusive thoughts completely, either by saying "not today, OCD" to myself or by acting indifferent. The more you respond to intrusive thoughts as a threat, the more your brain will register them as a real threat.

Best wishes OP. This disorder is hell on earth.

 

[chuckapalahniuk27]

Holy fuck this is so relatable that I could have written this thread. My mother was Pagan and instilled these beliefs into me pretty hard as a child; it took me years to break out of this noxious mindset.

I think the most important thing to do with OCD is not try to think your way out of it. You cannot think your way out of OCD; rumination is, in fact, a compulsion. Your best bet is obviously therapy (ERP or CBT come to mind) and medication, but if you can't do that at the moment, no shame in that. Right now I try to dismiss the intrusive thoughts completely, either by saying "not today, OCD" to myself or by acting indifferent. The more you respond to intrusive thoughts as a threat, the more your brain will register them as a real threat.

Best wishes OP. This disorder is hell on earth.

thank you for reading, i'm glad someone relates. i'll try what you said, and i do want to get back into therapy, i think i need it now more than ever. you have no idea how nice it feels to hear that it can eventually get better

 

[yes7777777]

I had OCD as a Kid and i had different OCD attacks until full adulthood

the secret to beating OCD is to do the thing it tells you NOT to do over and over. It always starts with me being scared of nightmare scenario happening if i did x... until i get brave and say it will not and I don't care and do x even twice just to "spite" my OCD.