Venting Nowhere to turn

[willitpass]

I'm starting to struggle again. I'd been doing okay mentally through a lot of the fall, but it's starting to slip again. Unfortunately the therapy work I spent the first half of the year on got me to a place where I'm not actively suicidal, I'm just intensely depressed and unsatisfied. I'm suffering but don't have the balls to CTB. It's an awful place to be. And I have nowhere to turn. I stopped going to therapy again after yet another incident with a therapist that has me so on edge around outpatient mental health providers that there isn't a point in seeing one because I don't trust them enough to engage. I got another ketamine treatment recently but it didn't work this time. I've already been there tried that with meds. I even did a clinical trial recently that turned up with nothing. I can't be honest with the people in my life because they'll panic and send me back to the hospital. And lord knows hospitals don't help, they just cause more harm. And my personal ways of coping, both healthy and unhealthy, can only go so far. I honestly just want to figure out how to "unfix" whatever treatment did that made me not suicidal, because feeling this way but not having a way out is awful.

 

[aquerin]

i feel you. i wish i had the courage to ctb but i just... dont. i wish i was just a little more actively suicidal so i could finally muster up the energy to pull the trigger someway or another, but instead i live every day in a pathetic limbo state, slowly rotting away but never quite finding peace.