Help Nowhere to go

[BabyYoda]

Warning: too confusing to read, very random

My mental health is slightly better right now, not planning to CTB any time. But I still am unable to love myself, be confident, or get rid of my beliefs about this shitty world. Does this mean that there is nothing to fix at all or that the road to recovery is taking longer than I thought? I honestly have no idea what to do now since conventional methods only work for short-term purposes. I have talked to my guidance counselor and while he has done the effort to convince me to get rid of my limiting beliefs, I still cannot absorb what he said right away. Should I be worried about being stuck in this state for a long time while risking the quality of my relationships? It's so hard for me to believe that I'm actually an important person in society I swear.

Should I invest in my appearance, or anime merchandise?
Best version of myself or the standard conventional "dateable" type?
Pretend to be 100% mentally healthy or be open about it?
Godzilla or P.S. I Love You?
Social gatherings or games?

Thinking about stuff like these takes up most of my cognitive energy. I visualize this "dateable" type as someone who follows stereotypical gender norms, at least according to society. Actually, this is a horrible generalization, but idk. I don't like to restrict myself to a label when it comes to gender so I guess I'll follow my biological sex???????

So it all boils down to.....

Increasing my chances of someone wanting a close relationship with me vs enjoying what I want

Well some people would say that obviously the latter is the better choice but ..

I kinda want to be conventionally attractive wtf can I live a double life instead?

Yes, I am aware that I still have a long road ahead because of my age. But the thing is, I get confused on what I really want to do. One part of me wants to increase my chances of being loved, the other wants to pursue my passions. I'm really dumb. If I could pick one side then it would be easier.

 

[BPD Barbie]

I could write a lot, but, recovery has no time frame. It takes as long as it takes. It's YOUR recovery, put yourself first before you start thinking about others. Do what you enjoy, what makes you happy, what you love. Dress how you want to dress, however makes you comfortable, watch what you want. You have no need to please others or to even conform to social norms. You're you, be just that.

 

[BabyYoda]

I could write a lot, but, recovery has no time frame. It takes as long as it takes. It's YOUR recovery, put yourself first before you start thinking about others. Do what you enjoy, what makes you happy, what you love. Dress how you want to dress, however makes you comfortable, watch what you want. You have no need to please others or to even conform to social norms. You're you, be just that.

Though what if I'm looking for um let's say a date or something? I observe couples at my school and try to see how they act or what they look like. Do you think it is worth changing myself to increase my chances?

 

[BPD Barbie]

Though what if I'm looking for um let's say a date or something? I observe couples at my school and try to see how they act or what they look like. Do you think it is worth changing myself to increase my chances?

Do you want someone to like you for you or for a fake version you created? Never change yourself to fall in love, you can't keep up a charade forever, eventually cracks start to appear and then the real you will come out. Someone will like and love you just the way you are right now.

 

[faust]

Warning: too confusing to read, very random

My mental health is slightly better right now, not planning to CTB any time. But I still am unable to love myself, be confident, or get rid of my beliefs about this shitty world. Does this mean that there is nothing to fix at all or that the road to recovery is taking longer than I thought? I honestly have no idea what to do now since conventional methods only work for short-term purposes. I have talked to my guidance counselor and while he has done the effort to convince me to get rid of my limiting beliefs, I still cannot absorb what he said right away. Should I be worried about being stuck in this state for a long time while risking the quality of my relationships? It's so hard for me to believe that I'm actually an important person in society I swear.

Should I invest in my appearance, or anime merchandise?
Best version of myself or the standard conventional "dateable" type?
Pretend to be 100% mentally healthy or be open about it?
Godzilla or P.S. I Love You?
Social gatherings or games?

Thinking about stuff like these takes up most of my cognitive energy. I visualize this "dateable" type as someone who follows stereotypical gender norms, at least according to society. Actually, this is a horrible generalization, but idk. I don't like to restrict myself to a label when it comes to gender so I guess I'll follow my biological sex???????

So it all boils down to.....

Increasing my chances of someone wanting a close relationship with me vs enjoying what I want

Well some people would say that obviously the latter is the better choice but ..

I kinda want to be conventionally attractive wtf can I live a double life instead?

Yes, I am aware that I still have a long road ahead because of my age. But the thing is, I get confused on what I really want to do. One part of me wants to increase my chances of being loved, the other wants to pursue my passions. I'm really dumb. If I could pick one side then it would be easier.

From my own experience, all the relationships I had (except for one) were accidental. I think it is much better to concentrate on your self-development rather than spending time on desperately looking for a partner. If you have many hobbies and do lots of stuff, it is much easier to plant the interest in somebody else. Like you are not just a person from the street, you have activities which you like, you are simply interesting. After spending a decent amount of time on self-development, I started dating. It is not an easy way, but you will like it. After changing my mind (planned to CTB) I just gave myself the second chance and started a new life. That drive did not last long, but I did at that moment more than for entire life... (Though it was just a mania)
To become more self-confident is a bit more difficult thing. I would suggest being in bigger companies and dancing somewhere (yes, when you feel free while dancing, when you are touching the bodies, it is much easier to build closer relationships since you won't be too worried about kisses and other stuff). Hugs help much too! It will make you feel that people around you do not actually bite. Hugs helped me a lot for sure.
And of course, try to find people who has the same hobby (I failed at this step ahah)
Plus empathetic people will make you feel more confident because it won't be too hard to communicate to them. Don't jump too high, it might hurt when you fall. Wish you a good luck in proceeding!
P.S. No need to pretend you are mentally healthy. People will be okay unless you assault the cops and jump in front of cars.

 

[CynicalHopelessness]

Does this mean that there is nothing to fix at all or that the road to recovery is taking longer than I thought?

Well maybe there's nothing to fix, because there has never been a working version in the first place? Doesn't mean there's nothing to build, cultivate. It's very similar to war - you might have won the battle for the capital, but you need to go on with counteroffensive on the hostile parts of your current life, or they'll get back to you eventually.

I have talked to my guidance counselor and while he has done the effort to convince me to get rid of my limiting beliefs, I still cannot absorb what he said right away.

Pfffffft.
I've been going small steps thing for almost two months by now and today I realized that I have a belief that small steps don't work and you have to violate yourself to get any results. This belief has been fuelling my today's anxiety without me noticing, and I was only able to realize this by a very tangential method, and I will probably forget about it in a few days and relapse into habitual thinking patterns again. Replacing beliefs is possible, but it takes time, practice and, most importantly, honesty. You can have a rational understanding that "X is true" and a belief that "X is false" at the same time and the latter will be affecting your emotions while the former won't do jack shit. If you were able to just snap out of your past beliefs, I'd consider you superhuman.

It's so hard for me to believe that I'm actually an important person in society I swear.

You probably aren't? I definitely am not. Most people are replaceable. Yours, or mine, premature death would be a small tragedy for few, but that's about it.

But why do you want to be important? How about living for yourself?

Should I invest in my appearance, or anime merchandise?
Best version of myself or the standard conventional "dateable" type?
Pretend to be 100% mentally healthy or be open about it?
Godzilla or P.S. I Love You?
Social gatherings or games?

Whichever you feel stronger foretaste for. Neither, if you don't feel any or doubt.

Actually since you've mentioned "conventional"... I had this idea too, but too much of what I think "conventional" is, is simply false and not based on real experience socializing with humans - rather, they are images that strengthen my negative emotions. So, unless you want to get more of those in your life, don't.