Venting Now I have no clue.

[Pale Blue Dot]

Now I'm even unsure of whether I really want to kill myself or not. I stopped attempting to do it anymore. I'm Just keep typing stuff like "Help I wanna die" on Google and erasing it. Could jump off from my apartment already, I probably gonna die, but I didn't. I am confused that I tried to refuge from life and now I'm afraid to die; I'm scared of both. I thought I'm good since I almost recovered from my problems after a few times of counseling, but I guess my depressive moods and suicidal thoughts were other than that. They also aren't intense enough to push me out from the balcony. Maybe I'm just being dramatic because I'm an stupid asshole. Whatever it is, it sucks.

I don't want to put any more effort to either change or soothe myself. It is just so frustrating that I can't keep on. Though my counselor said me to, I don't even want to go see a psychiatrist. That'll never gonna change anything because I just hate life itself and not gonna do anything to rearrange it. Or, maybe not. I don't know. I've been banging around, doing nothing for all day long. Don't even know why I'm in this forum if I turned hesitant to kill myself. It's hopeless. I don't know what to do anymore. Hope I have a heart attack or a car accident or whatever that can kill me for sure.

Someone help me. I want to die but not brave enough to do it.

I miss the state and the city that I lived. I miss the clouds, the sky, the sun, the family, and the peace and the silence that I felt there. I miss even the supermarket across the street. I want to go back. I know that has nothing to do with my current condition; it rather helped developing it-- but, I still want to go back so bad. Got mixed feelings. Don't know the reason why.

 

[randomz]

I am in the same situation like you. My life and mind are so broken I don't even know if I want to fix them anymore. I try all sorts of stuff to get better but for now they have not worked. What's keeping you from returning to your old city? Maybe that will help you.

 

[Pale Blue Dot]

I am in the same situation like you. My life and mind are so broken I don't even know if I want to fix them anymore. I try all sorts of stuff to get better but for now they have not worked. What's keeping you from returning to your old city? Maybe that will help you.

I feel that, I'm sorry for the situations that you're going through. Hope they get better as soon as they can.
I'm in a different country now for some reason, and can't go back until the next year I guess. Thanks for asking. :)

 

[Bct]

Sorry about your situation and frustration. Being in the limbo is really sucks.

 

[braketimez]

I'm with you here...I'm experiencing the same.
Suicidality is an eternal teeter-totter.
Your inner-child is on one side ready to take on the world,
while the elder of your soul is on the other side grieving all that's been lost.
Both of you move up and down in gradations of hope and hopelessness,
while never moving forward.
The most painful part of it all is that you came here to play. For fun.
And now things have become serious, confusing, and aimless.