Venting nothings going right

[strawberrydino]

i thought fixing my relationship with my dad by telling him i love you would make fix some thing but it didnt. i thought my crappy mood was bc of period but shit has been solidly depressed for a year. idk. i feel like a pussy in not just kms. like. i feel like a waste of money and a drain on my parents retirement who worked so hard to get here. i dont want to do this anymore. i hate school so much. i hate my life. i really dont want to talk to my friends or go outside and just keep rotting away. idk how to fix it. ive been achieving my little goals like finishing college apps or starting to apply to jobs and getting my liscense but it all feels so worthless. im so bored talking to my bf and bored with everything it just doesnt have meaning anymore. how do i enjoy life again, i just want to have fun or enjoy people or have my life figured out like my friends but im constantly falling further behind. feeling like shit my dysmorphia is getting worse i havent showered in days unable to get my lazy ass to shower. i feel like shit. nothing feels right. i wish something would magically fix me like antidepressants but i feel like im not obviously sad enough to ask my therapist or whatever and theyre so expensive and im just wasting my parents money away when maybe im not even gonna helped by them cuz what if im secretely not even depressed. what if im faking it for attention. i wish i could sleep for infinity. or rather die in my sleep. bc im fucking lazy as hell and cant even get my suicide together.