Nothing

[ElTopo]

I feel nothing anymore, nothing to motivate me, every day it's the same cycle of wake up, sad, force yourself to the gym, do chores, go to work, go home, play some vidya, go to bed, repeat. Sometimes I go out for drinks with friends, sometime I'll go on hikes, read a book, draw, go to a concert and stuff, it still all feels meaningless, heavy. I'm so deeply lonely and it's not just that, I've been lonely for so long it scarred me forever, all the life changing traumas and pains I've been through I've lived alone, all my hopes and projects I tried alone, nobody really knows me and it pains me that I could be lovable but I'm a shadow of something that just wants out of this world. I just want god to answer my prayers and tell me something, what he wants from me or when he'll let me die. I prayed for years and years and still nothing. It's a constant, unavoidable pain and fear and I can't even imagine being relieved of it, living a life that isn't a duty.