Nothing

[bpd_sucks]

I've planned to CTB since I was like 7 or 8 years old and now I am middle aged. I've kept myself alive by pursuing outlandish goals I set for myself - and by sheer determination, mostly driven by revenge and anger, I've accomplished everything I've wanted to do in my life. Each achievement has felt like absolutely nothing, and I would immediately start working on the next one.

Since I have no one who relates to me, I have no one to share my accomplishments with - and since they don't make me feel anything positive, I've stopped doing anything. The last 5 years I have had no desires, hopes or dreams, just the relentless need to CTB. My parents are the source of this feeling and seeing them support genocide, imperialism, and ICE so ceaselessly over the last 5 years has made me fully resent them. I want to no contact with them. I don't visit, I don't call. I just lay on the couch.

I have no one. I know there is nothing, no event, no achievement or anything that could ever make me feel again, but at the same time I'm too apathetic to even kill myself. It's as though I am already dead, just a ghost who know one can see. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, but I am already dead

 

[Abyss Dweller]

The inteview with Mike Tyson comes to my mind where he throws one of his belts on the table and says "these are all garbage".
I know you said it doesn't mean much to you but if you feel like I'd be interested to hear the goals you achieved. :)

 

[dai153207]

I've planned to CTB since I was like 7 or 8 years old and now I am middle aged. I've kept myself alive by pursuing outlandish goals I set for myself - and by sheer determination, mostly driven by revenge and anger, I've accomplished everything I've wanted to do in my life. Each achievement has felt like absolutely nothing, and I would immediately start working on the next one.

Since I have no one who relates to me, I have no one to share my accomplishments with - and since they don't make me feel anything positive, I've stopped doing anything. The last 5 years I have had no desires, hopes or dreams, just the relentless need to CTB. My parents are the source of this feeling and seeing them support genocide, imperialism, and ICE so ceaselessly over the last 5 years has made me fully resent them. I want to no contact with them. I don't visit, I don't call. I just lay on the couch.

I have no one. I know there is nothing, no event, no achievement or anything that could ever make me feel again, but at the same time I'm too apathetic to even kill myself. It's as though I am already dead, just a ghost who know one can see. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, but I am already dead

I'm so sorry to hear that you have parents like that, you'd be surprised to know the number of people that are here on this site as a consequence of their upbringing and the type of parenting or family they've had it's absolutely incredible how the nature of the damage that is done to u by your caregivers can be everlasting or feel like it's unhealable but u should definitely know that you're not alone in this and that whatever damage they've done it still can be healed eventually if u just give yourself the chance to