angelcircuit
"I feel like I can do... just about anything."
- Feb 23, 2023
- 43
I apologize for taking up space here, but I feel like this is the only place I can truly speak.
I struggle with dissociation on an almost weekly/daily basis, along with memory gaps and hazes. Now since it's my normal I have never fully cared for it, but ever since the beginning of this month it has been constant, and it feels like I've never been able to escape it. The world around me feels unreal, and each time I walk around and look at my room, the kitchen, my school, anywhere, it feels... miserable. I look around and think to myself "is this where I really live? is this what I put up with every day?"
Everything is the same. The same conversations, the same routine, the same people, the same day. Its to the point where if I forget a day it doesn't matter because it's all the same.
Oh, and I feel nothing. Not in the way people feel nothing in a sad manner if that makes sense, but more like I feel completely robotic. I'm piloting a body that isn't mine, going through the motions of my daily life while constantly thinking to myself "when will this end?" I don't know who I was, but I think I lost him. I don't even feel like myself, which happens often, but instead of a different identity change like I normally feel its instead like I'm a complete shell of the original identity. Whoever used to live here is gone, or away.
I think its truly unfair that I'm left in his place to continue living his life, because I want a way out. Not a better life, not to feel joyful emotions and sensations, none of that. It feels like since I've been here I have seen the world in a way that is true; controlled by corrupt humans greater than us, a constant loop of drama and manipulation and rage, and no matter what we try we will never reach eternal happiness while we breathe, for eternal happiness is a fabrication. Humans crave validation and to fit in, and because of this we are all doomed to slave away our lives for others until we die. I don't know about the old identity, but that is something I do not want for myself.
If he doesn't come back I'm CTBing this body for him. It may be in a month, it may be in three, or it could be on the body's birthday. I don't care, but I am not going to be here longer than a year. It is exhausting pretending to be alive, and even more draining talking and acting like him every single day.
To whoever is reading this, thank you. It's nice to finally be able to be myself and not him.
I struggle with dissociation on an almost weekly/daily basis, along with memory gaps and hazes. Now since it's my normal I have never fully cared for it, but ever since the beginning of this month it has been constant, and it feels like I've never been able to escape it. The world around me feels unreal, and each time I walk around and look at my room, the kitchen, my school, anywhere, it feels... miserable. I look around and think to myself "is this where I really live? is this what I put up with every day?"
Everything is the same. The same conversations, the same routine, the same people, the same day. Its to the point where if I forget a day it doesn't matter because it's all the same.
Oh, and I feel nothing. Not in the way people feel nothing in a sad manner if that makes sense, but more like I feel completely robotic. I'm piloting a body that isn't mine, going through the motions of my daily life while constantly thinking to myself "when will this end?" I don't know who I was, but I think I lost him. I don't even feel like myself, which happens often, but instead of a different identity change like I normally feel its instead like I'm a complete shell of the original identity. Whoever used to live here is gone, or away.
I think its truly unfair that I'm left in his place to continue living his life, because I want a way out. Not a better life, not to feel joyful emotions and sensations, none of that. It feels like since I've been here I have seen the world in a way that is true; controlled by corrupt humans greater than us, a constant loop of drama and manipulation and rage, and no matter what we try we will never reach eternal happiness while we breathe, for eternal happiness is a fabrication. Humans crave validation and to fit in, and because of this we are all doomed to slave away our lives for others until we die. I don't know about the old identity, but that is something I do not want for myself.
If he doesn't come back I'm CTBing this body for him. It may be in a month, it may be in three, or it could be on the body's birthday. I don't care, but I am not going to be here longer than a year. It is exhausting pretending to be alive, and even more draining talking and acting like him every single day.
To whoever is reading this, thank you. It's nice to finally be able to be myself and not him.
