Nothing to do but wait in terror (TMI/gross)

[Rounded Apathy]

I warn but I suppose the same could be said for a lot of what's on this site.

Seems like I'll be patiently waiting till tomorrow to see if I have a flare of a recurring health problem that's one of my main drivers for wanting to be dead. As I've written about before, I have a history of anal fissures which, if you're unaware of, consider yourself lucky (been described variously as shitting glass/a soldering iron inside your colon/worse than being shot, adult circumcision, mastectomy, life-threatening cancer-related infection, etc.). They can be brought on by both overly loose or hard stool, and for the past week I have been going back and forth between the two more rapidly and to more extremes than normal. No diagnosis on that front, so I've just been trying to food journal and such, but that's another issue.

Anyway, the last two days were mostly mush when I went but with random solid pieces midway, which is new, and concerning. Yesterday felt like there was nothing left inside of me afterward, and today I did not have a bm. Not at the regular time, nor later. I just tried breathing and squatting to see if anything would happen and a couple of tiny firm nuggets passed - painfully, due to my hemorrhoids that have gotten worse the past few months from either the constant less-than-ideal stools, or my obsession with trying to make sure everything has come out of me so no residual nuggets hang around and tear me a new one the next time. Obviously to my detriment at this point.

So now I wait. Wait and see if tomorrow's #2 causes an injury so small yet so excruciatingly painful and debilitating that the sheer memory and fear of it happening again have haunted me daily since I healed from my last episode at the end of last year. Better yet, earlier today when I thought it still might happen, I ate a raw tomato that had developed a black patch on top. Of course I cut it and the surrounding area out but last time I did this I was rewarded with diarrhea. Given how prone I am to having it I can't really know whether that was the actual cause, but I certainly don't need any more propulsive force behind my next go, given it's likely going to be a lump of coal. I told myself I wouldn't risk it again with the tomato but look at me being the fucking idiot I am.

I hate this recurring affliction, I hate how it haunts me even when it isn't active, I hate the lack of useful medical support despite me trying for it, I hate that despite trying to take care of my body I cannot understand what the fuck it wants or doesn't, and I hate living because of all of this...among other reasons. But this is a big one

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I hope things don't turn out as you fear. Sounds like a terrible condition. I can't imagine. I have trouble going due to my hypothyroidism, but I take drastic steps to make sure I go (super high fiber diet, Miralax, lots of raw vegetables, drink lots of water) and it works fairly well. Before I did that, oftentimes I would not go at all for 5, 6, sometimes 7 days in a row. I have eaten many a tomato out of my garden that has developed black spots and rot, and I just cut the spots out and have never had an issue. I hate wasting perfectly good food when I can just get rid of the bad portions. I just cut quite a distance away from the spots. I hope you get some good "news" tomorrow.

 

[Rounded Apathy]

I hope things don't turn out as you fear. Sounds like a terrible condition. I can't imagine. I have trouble going due to my hypothyroidism, but I take drastic steps to make sure I go (super high fiber diet, Miralax, lots of raw vegetables, drink lots of water) and it works fairly well. Before I did that, oftentimes I would not go at all for 5, 6, sometimes 7 days in a row. I have eaten many a tomato out of my garden that has developed black spots and rot, and I just cut the spots out and have never had an issue. I hate wasting perfectly good food when I can just get rid of the bad portions. I just cut quite a distance away from the spots. I hope you get some good "news" tomorrow.

Thank you. I seriously hope so.

Yes, I have spent countless hours of my life since the first episode learning everything there is to know around these topics. My bowel worked more or less like clockwork for years (going after breakfast, save for the random intermittent wake-up diarrhea) up until I started a LoA from work at the start of this month. I feel you on the food waste thing; the tomato was a gift from a friend's garden and I was really excited to eat it. They say certain foods are more suitable than others for amputating the bad bits and that softer, moister ones are more dodgy. Even if it doesn't set off a (shit)storm (ha) I'm still terrified. Hopefully my stupid forcing it tonight makes tomorrow manageable

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I understand and am sorry to hear this. I have a health problem of my own that's one of the primary drivers for me. You're think a physical problem would more easily garner you sympathy but that isn't so either. The nature of your provlemr means you have to face it all the time which I'm sure doesn't help at al. Neither does the sensitive nature of where itse happening either.

 

[freedompass]

That does sound like a horrible affliction. The human body can become an instrument of torture for any of us at any time. It's fucking scary.

 

[makethepainstop]

You have my sincere sympathy, such medical conditions must be painful. To say the least.

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound so awful, it's beyond horrifying how health problems like that even exist in the first place. I'm sorry that you are trapped in this situation.

 

[Rounded Apathy]

Thanks to @FuneralCry @makethepainstop @freedompass and @LaVieEnRose - I was not totally destroyed by the bm today, though it was not a great one. Live to die another day...