Jon Arbuckle
This can’t be fixed anymore
- Jul 23, 2024
- 4
I'm new to this forum, so apologies if This vent is too vague/too generic or has some other issues
I tried ctb years ago when I was still a teenager, just stupid shit like being bullied and getting into an argument with an online friend and I told someone I was going to kill myself. I got too scared so I didn't do it.
years later and I'm back where I've started, but things feel completely different now. I used to be really good at "handling" suicidal thoughts or at least avoiding them, just thinking basic stuff like "your parents will be sad" used to be enough.
Nothing that used to help me is helping anymore. My friends and family being upset won't matter, because once I die I'll be unable to be happy or unhappy about it. I try spending time with my pets and that makes me a little sad, and think "I'll miss them" (even though I technically won't), but I don't think "maybe I shouldn't do it", I just think "well, that aspect is going to suck, but that's just the way it is", like getting ready for a trip: It just has to happen. I told someone online about how I was feeling and they told me to try and "enjoy the little things" to try and feel better, and it does make me feel better but it doesn't make the suicidal feelings go away. I'll watch or see something funny and I'll laugh, really laugh about it, but once I stop it immediately goes back to normal.
The last time I "tried" to ctb when I was a teenager it was very impulsive, and In the following days I felt very stupid. This time, It's been a few days, and the "impulsiveness" is gone, but the suicidal feelings have still managed to stay.
I tried ctb years ago when I was still a teenager, just stupid shit like being bullied and getting into an argument with an online friend and I told someone I was going to kill myself. I got too scared so I didn't do it.
years later and I'm back where I've started, but things feel completely different now. I used to be really good at "handling" suicidal thoughts or at least avoiding them, just thinking basic stuff like "your parents will be sad" used to be enough.
Nothing that used to help me is helping anymore. My friends and family being upset won't matter, because once I die I'll be unable to be happy or unhappy about it. I try spending time with my pets and that makes me a little sad, and think "I'll miss them" (even though I technically won't), but I don't think "maybe I shouldn't do it", I just think "well, that aspect is going to suck, but that's just the way it is", like getting ready for a trip: It just has to happen. I told someone online about how I was feeling and they told me to try and "enjoy the little things" to try and feel better, and it does make me feel better but it doesn't make the suicidal feelings go away. I'll watch or see something funny and I'll laugh, really laugh about it, but once I stop it immediately goes back to normal.
The last time I "tried" to ctb when I was a teenager it was very impulsive, and In the following days I felt very stupid. This time, It's been a few days, and the "impulsiveness" is gone, but the suicidal feelings have still managed to stay.
