Venting nothing left

[annxietty]

Night time is the absolute worst, what before was my favorite time of the day, full of peace and silence, has become unbearable. Since I lost my mother I have dreams every night, sometimes I dream she comes back but she has to leave and I start talking to her so fast she doesnt understand anything, she hugs me and tells me she loves me, then she leaves... the other night I dreamt I was running towards her but never fast enough, I never reach her... I wake up thinking what a nightmare, just to see she actually is gone. God I miss my mother so much. Whats the purpose of these dreams if not torture myself? See her just to say goodbye every night... if I can actually reach her ofc.

Im 25 and I have 0 friends or people I talk to, since my mom passed I drop my phone wherever and only pick it up at night to sleep, 0 calls, 0 messages... I dont know, is just whatever at this point, all I dream of is a place to rot, where I dont bother anyone, I go to work, I come back, I rot in my corner and repeat, I know is the nightmare of the daily life of a common person, but with my agoraphobia and general anxiety living like anyone else is a dream...

I want to do something, maybe cut my face, spend all the money ive been saving, miss work on purpose, scream at someone, tell a coworker I tried to kill myself once... something.....

I sometimes send text messages to my mother, asking her to reply, thats life for me.

 

[takuyangel]

i'm genuinely sorry about your mom jesus. without mine im sure i would've ctb years ago. but yeah that fucking autonomy. the horrible feeling of waking up every day and not feeling different. not really "waking up" yk, just opening your eyes and knowing it's gonna be another 24 hours in the same loop. mmmm it's crushing isn't it. i rarely get texts either, i think i've learned to accept it, and usually there is stuff you can actually do. they might be small to someone else but they can feel big to you, anything, just to see what happens yk.

and the cutting your face part caught my attention, i actually do have a SH history on my face, just under my left eye where for a month i'd cut the same line in over and over. it was definitely visible for a good amount of time and i had to weasel in and out of made up stories to my extended family on why it was there. i have dark skin, and now that it's healed it's barely visible. if you choose to do it and you have lighter skin, i'd just say don't make it too big or in a spot that's really obvious yk. that's kinda every spot with your face but lol. hope your week gets better in some way love . hugz

 

[chudcell]

Night time is the absolute worst, what before was my favorite time of the day, full of peace and silence, has become unbearable. Since I lost my mother I have dreams every night, sometimes I dream she comes back but she has to leave and I start talking to her so fast she doesnt understand anything, she hugs me and tells me she loves me, then she leaves... the other night I dreamt I was running towards her but never fast enough, I never reach her... I wake up thinking what a nightmare, just to see she actually is gone. God I miss my mother so much. Whats the purpose of these dreams if not torture myself? See her just to say goodbye every night... if I can actually reach her ofc.

Im 25 and I have 0 friends or people I talk to, since my mom passed I drop my phone wherever and only pick it up at night to sleep, 0 calls, 0 messages... I dont know, is just whatever at this point, all I dream of is a place to rot, where I dont bother anyone, I go to work, I come back, I rot in my corner and repeat, I know is the nightmare of the daily life of a common person, but with my agoraphobia and general anxiety living like anyone else is a dream...

I want to do something, maybe cut my face, spend all the money ive been saving, miss work on purpose, scream at someone, tell a coworker I tried to kill myself once... something.....

I sometimes send text messages to my mother, asking her to reply, thats life for me.

Thats the harsh reality of life im afraid :/

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

not really "waking up" yk, just opening your eyes and knowing it's gonna be another 24 hours in the same loop.

This hit home. I remember when I was alive, when I was tougher, when self-respect made things happen on autopilot. Even back then I was too soft on myself but now I've just given up on everything. I have no idea how to climb back to even basic cleaning. Working? Earning a living? Out of the question. The idea of having a family someday is an utter joke. I failed and now I just live in the wretched fear of a suicidal act.

 

[idontknowwhatiam]

Night time is the absolute worst, what before was my favorite time of the day, full of peace and silence, has become unbearable. Since I lost my mother I have dreams every night, sometimes I dream she comes back but she has to leave and I start talking to her so fast she doesnt understand anything, she hugs me and tells me she loves me, then she leaves... the other night I dreamt I was running towards her but never fast enough, I never reach her... I wake up thinking what a nightmare, just to see she actually is gone. God I miss my mother so much. Whats the purpose of these dreams if not torture myself? See her just to say goodbye every night... if I can actually reach her ofc.

Im 25 and I have 0 friends or people I talk to, since my mom passed I drop my phone wherever and only pick it up at night to sleep, 0 calls, 0 messages... I dont know, is just whatever at this point, all I dream of is a place to rot, where I dont bother anyone, I go to work, I come back, I rot in my corner and repeat, I know is the nightmare of the daily life of a common person, but with my agoraphobia and general anxiety living like anyone else is a dream...

I want to do something, maybe cut my face, spend all the money ive been saving, miss work on purpose, scream at someone, tell a coworker I tried to kill myself once... something.....

I sometimes send text messages to my mother, asking her to reply, thats life for me.

Have you considered therapy?