Nothing is real

[ExitTheDay]

Have you ever been so depressed that you feel like the reality around you doesn't feel real at all, like you're just existing in this never ending simulation of pain and hopelessness?

 

[Alan James]

Yes, that's exactly what I feel. Already about 19 years. I have schizophrenia and some kind of autism spectrum disorder. I literally feel like in a simulation or virtual reality. This is called "depersonalization" it seems. I have never taken any medications in 31 years because my parents (and I) believed that psychiatry is a pseudoscience and psychiatrists are evil, also my parents did not care for me and they seemed to believe that such a phenomenon as mental disorders does not exist at all.

 

[sadgirl9999]

I suffer from depersonalization/derealization and it feels exactly how you're describing. I just feel very disconnected and numb and definitely like nothing is real. It's really unsettling, I feel for you.

 

[ExitTheDay]

I feel you both on this, even though I wasn't diagnosed by a professional I think in also suffer from schizophrenia (randomly seeing black dots appear above my eyes, then when I look up they're immediately gone) and derealization disorder, but that could probably mean anything in my case

 

[Chalken]

Yes, dissociation is a way for the brain to cope with stress.

 

[Misanthrope]

I have the opposite problem. Everything feels too real and the sickness and pain is hard to distract from.

 

[MartEU]

Yea definitely, dissociation is really hard to deal with, luckily it got better since I got sober but when I was abusing psychedelics and withdrawing it was unreal.
I still get visual snow and drift whenever I get stressed or really tired.
Feels like you're watching everything happening from behind your eyes as an observer, life just passes by and all that you can do is try to survive and not fuck it up even more/disappoint people.
I'm doing so much better and I still wanna die, sometimes I think we're just fucked and it won't ever get better.

 

[ExitTheDay]

Yea definitely, dissociation is really hard to deal with, luckily it got better since I got sober but when I was abusing psychedelics and withdrawing it was unreal.
I still get visual snow and drift whenever I get stressed or really tired.
Feels like you're watching everything happening from behind your eyes as an observer, life just passes by and all that you can do is try to survive and not fuck it up even more/disappoint people.

Yeah I agree, I'm not saying psychedelics are bad because mushrooms do help with my depression once in a blue moon, but when I abused them that's when things got really bad for me, I felt like a completely different person

 

[MartEU]

Yeah I agree, I'm not saying psychedelics are bad because mushrooms do help with my depression once in a blue moon, but when I abused them that's when things got really bad for me, I felt like a completely different person

No I feel you, psychedelics gave me many insights but I didn't have the disciple to do fuck all with it.
I've been sober for 13 months now and I regret it more every day.

 

[ExitTheDay]

No I feel you, psychedelics gave me many insights but I didn't have the disciple to do fuck all with it.
I've been sober for 13 months now and I regret it more every day.

That's awesome, I've been sober for a very long time too, smoke a little weed every now and then, and hopefully one day you can relive all of those good experiences you had with them

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Nothing to do with depression it´s just the awoken mind you are feeling.

 

[Loli]

Yes, it's getting unbearable. And I even avoid leaving home because derealised outside world is too scary.

 

[ExitTheDay]

Yes, it's getting unbearable. And I even avoid leaving home because derealised outside world is too scary.

Yup me too, fuck that place... only time I ever leave the house is when I need groceries, but even that simplest task is a war that I fight with myself

 

[MartEU]

Yup me too, fuck that place... only time I ever leave the house is when I need groceries, but even that simplest task is a war that I fight with myself

Feel you dude, every morning is such a battle, can't wait for the moment that I don't care what I leave behind and just have the balls to end it.

 

[Alan James]

For so many years I lived in such a state that I had a sick idea of living in virtual reality, I would like to spend my whole life in it. If that were possible, this is my dream, an idea that I can't remove from my head, probably these are symptoms of mental disorders. I can no longer do anything except to lie down or sit at the computer all day long - I discovered this as a way to distract or some kind of treatment for myself from these mental illnesses, I can not spend 30 minutes without a computer - my mind seems to be turned off, the reality has become physically unbearable for me.

 

[ExitTheDay]

For so many years I lived in such a state that I had a sick idea of living in virtual reality, I would like to spend my whole life in it. If that were possible, this is my dream, an idea that I can't remove from my head, probably these are symptoms of mental disorders. I can no longer do anything except to lie down or sit at the computer all day long - I discovered this as a way to distract or some kind of treatment for myself from these mental illnesses, I can not spend 30 minutes without a computer - my mind seems to be turned off, the reality has become physically unbearable for me.

Same here dude, nothing makes me happy anymore but eating, sleeping, or listening to music... this is what it's all fucking come too in this pathetic excuse for an existence, I'm just a waste of flesh that's waiting to die, if I had a gun I'd fucking just use it on myself already to speed up the process

 

[Nullm]

I feel you both on this, even though I wasn't diagnosed by a professional I think in also suffer from schizophrenia (randomly seeing black dots appear above my eyes, then when I look up they're immediately gone) and derealization disorder, but that could probably mean anything in my case

I also see those dots but i don't know if it's got anything to do with schizophernia which i am diagnosed with , actually my last psycosis i had plenty of illusions regarding those dots

 

[Loli]

if I had a gun I'd fucking just use it on myself already to speed up the process

THIS. Unfortunately my country is absolutely disarmed so the only gun I can have is a captive bolt... Which could turn me into a vegetable instead of a dead, dead corpse

 

[ExitTheDay]

I also see this dots but i don't know if it's got anything to do with schizophernia which i am diagnosed with , actually my last psycosis i had plenty of illusions regarding those dots

Yeah it's really strange, and I notice it only happens when I am sitting down... also I hope your diagnosis has at least a shred of mercy on you, I'm very sorry

THIS. Unfortunately my country is absolutely disarmed so the only gun I can have is a captive bolt... Which could turn me into a vegetable instead of a dead, dead corpse

That sucks they are outlawed, and seriously, I would get really fucking inebriated so all that "second chance thinking" bullshit doesn't exist

 

[sunny.sativa]

Yes, that's exactly what I feel. Already about 19 years. I have schizophrenia and some kind of autism spectrum disorder. I literally feel like in a simulation or virtual reality. This is called "depersonalization" it seems. I have never taken any medications in 31 years because my parents (and I) believed that psychiatry is a pseudoscience and psychiatrists are evil, also my parents did not care for me and they seemed to believe that such a phenomenon as mental disorders does not exist at all.

I hate to know anyone can relate like this, I know how it feels to have family that doesn't believe there's such thing as mental illness (when they have it themselves) and think they can just pray everything away.
I've experienced depersonalization a couple times in my life, during mania or the opposite. It's very uncomfortable and confusing and it saddens me that you've had to endure it.
Maybe it's a lame suggestion, but have you tried reading books, or getting into exciting TV series? They helped me escape my feelings for a bit during this time. Sometimes I'd even express how ghostly I felt through art.

I sure hope you find an outlet.
Much love.

 

[GeorgeJL]

Have you ever been so depressed that you feel like the reality around you doesn't feel real at all, like you're just existing in this never ending simulation of pain and hopelessness?

Yeah it's called derealization disorder. You need to get it treated with medication if you haven't already. It's not normal or healthy way of looking at things. I use to have it years ago until I got it treated.

 

[MartEU]

Yeah it's called derealization disorder. You need to get it treated with medication if you haven't already. It's not normal or healthy way of looking at things. I use to have it years ago until I got it treated.

What treatment exist for it? Do they just give you a SSRI?
When I first discovered it everyone said there is no good treatment and you might as well just deal with it.

 

[Alan James]

Maybe it's a lame suggestion, but have you tried reading books, or getting into exciting TV series? They helped me escape my feelings for a bit during this time. Sometimes I'd even express how ghostly I felt through art.

I use video games for this purpose - they distract me best of all. But often I feel so bad that it becomes hard to play them, I cann't concentrate on the screen, my head and whole body sometimes hurts a lot.

What I regret most of all is that I was born when there was still no internet and a computers and later I didn't have money to buy all this (look at how computers have everyone except me was a special torture and humiliation for me) - if the internet and computers had been with me since birth it would change every day of my miserable life. This is the only thing I wanted, I didn't need anything else: I didn't need money, friends, family, car, work, I was ready to endure suffering and starve just to get it - but I never got it, it appeared too late and all this life and suffering was completely meaningless.

 

[GeorgeJL]

What treatment exist for it? Do they just give you a SSRI?
When I first discovered it everyone said there is no good treatment and you might as well just deal with it.

My derealization was triggered by severe dehydration and a medication. So treating it they didn't have to use typical medications. I got two blood transfusions I was so dehydrated, and IV fluids.

 

[sunny.sativa]

I use video games for this purpose - they distract me best of all. But often I feel so bad that it becomes hard to play them, I cann't concentrate on the screen, my head and whole body sometimes hurts a lot.

What I regret most of all is that I was born when there was still no internet and a computers and later I didn't have money to buy all this (look at how computers have everyone except me was a special torture and humiliation for me) - if the internet and computers had been with me since birth it would change every day of my miserable life. This is the only thing I wanted, I didn't need anything else: I didn't need money, friends, family, car, work, I was ready to endure suffering and starve just to get it - but I never got it, it appeared too late and all this life and suffering was completely meaningless.

I understand your feelings.

However.. you do have these things now, no? Maybe I'm just an optimistic idiot, but better late than never, in my book.

 

[ExitTheDay]

I use video games for this purpose - they distract me best of all. But often I feel so bad that it becomes hard to play them, I cann't concentrate on the screen, my head and whole body sometimes hurts a lot.

What I regret most of all is that I was born when there was still no internet and a computers and later I didn't have money to buy all this (look at how computers have everyone except me was a special torture and humiliation for me) - if the internet and computers had been with me since birth it would change every day of my miserable life. This is the only thing I wanted, I didn't need anything else: I didn't need money, friends, family, car, work, I was ready to endure suffering and starve just to get it - but I never got it, it appeared too late and all this life and suffering was completely meaningless.

Video games really help me out too for most of the time, but some days I have no interest even at looking at myself in the mirror, being unconscious asleep is the best thing on those days

 

[Alan James]

However.. you do have these things now, no? Maybe I'm just an optimistic idiot, but better late than never, in my book.

Yes, now I have a new computer and a 55 inch OLED TV that my grandmother and mother gave me for my birthday. Despite the fact that I don't work at all and am a burden for them, like parasite, I deliver them only grief and disappointment, I am eternally grateful to them. But my mental and physical condition is so bad that it is hard for me to even play video games - I finally got what I wanted, but I can't use it as I wanted and for me it's too disgusting and terrible. I feel like a bad and selfish person because I want to die, dream only of this, I must to endure at least until my grandmother is alive.

 

[sunny.sativa]

Yes, now I have a new computer and a 55 inch OLED TV that my grandmother and mother gave me for my birthday. Despite the fact that I don't work at all and am a burden for them, like parasite, I deliver them only grief and disappointment, I am eternally grateful to them. But my mental and physical condition is so bad that it is hard for me to even play video games - I finally got what I wanted, but I can't use it as I wanted and for me it's too disgusting and terrible. I feel like a bad and selfish person because I want to die, dream only of this, I must to endure at least until my grandmother is alive.

It shows your selflessness, the fact that you think of your grandmothers feelings instead of just your own. Don't feel guilty for wanting to live or die, I understand your burdens. You're doing great, the way you're hanging on is inspiring.

 

[Deleted member 1768]

I feel you both on this, even though I wasn't diagnosed by a professional I think in also suffer from schizophrenia (randomly seeing black dots appear above my eyes, then when I look up they're immediately gone) and derealization disorder, but that could probably mean anything in my case

Hi Exit. The black dots in your vision are called floaters and can indicate a medical problem. They are not hallucinations. Might want to see a doctor about your vision. Just do not call them 'hallucinations'...smile.

 

[ExitTheDay]

Hi Exit. The black dots in your vision are called floaters and can indicate a medical problem. They are not hallucinations. Might want to see a doctor about your vision. Just do not call them 'hallucinations'...smile.

Thank you for letting me know, they do not happen very often so I dont think it's anything too serious, but I will still get myself checked out... cheers