Nothing could be drier than a jolly caucus race. (rant/vent)

[greyblue_bian]

I'm tired of trying to figure myself and other people out. I'm tired of being scared to say something, because it's easy, and the only thing holding me back is retaliation from the person I say something to, even though I do "hate" people so much. I don't hate people, but everybody makes me paranoid, regardless of age. Everyone could hurt me directly or indirectly and I have to be on guard all the time. I've gotten used to it, but it is energy-consuming and I'm too tired to put any energy towards the things I have to do to actually improve my life at the end of the day. All I do is try to escape my reality all the time through media, and I'm sick of that too. I plan on giving up. But, I don't want to lose. Not to human society. I let everyone around me dictate how I should feel, what I should think, how I should look, how much I know and how much I grow. I mean, I let people take everything from me. Out of fear. And, I'll never be forgiven for any of the mistakes I made in life, no matter how small they may be. But, I'm expected to know how to forgive. And, I forgive. At least, I say I do. But, I don't. My actual trauma doesn't even worry me as much as the internet or people say it should. I could talk about my childhood sexual abuse and the domestic violence I witnessed as a child all day and not think twice about it. It's the other things that have built up inside of me. The name-calling from my family and friends and "friends". People shaming me even if they don't know me. My desperate efforts to be accepted by people now led to my not being able to wear makeup anymore since it reminds me so much of what happened when I was younger. I'm tired of writing these same thoughts out over and over. I don't know if I should continue to live or die anymore. No one is worth it, and I'm not worthy of dying. But, I'm scared of the possibility that my life will lead to the "infinite rabbit hole" I think it will. I hate this caucus race. It's a lie where I'm supposed to live for other people only, and never kill myself because that's selfish too, even though the very people that expect me to live for them have admitted I am not important in their lives. That's all I want to write here.