stellaistired
Member
- Aug 7, 2025
- 10
It comforts me knowing that I can just buy a gun at any time and fucking end it already. Supposedly people do care about me but my nervous system can't seem to accept nor comprehend the full capacity of the whole concept.
Every fucking night and day now it's random emotional flashbacks out of nowhere. I'll be trying to enjoy myself and bam. Memories of stupid cringe shit I did as a kid, the ways my mother used to criticize and judge me, as much denial as she would be in have I tell her what years of her emotional abuse did to me. Her voice is always in the back of my head.
Undiagnosed autism is a special kind of hell. Endless regrets, endlessly feeling and knowing that something was inherently wrong with me as early as preschool. I clearly wasn't like the other kids, I'm clearly not like other functioning adults. I'm mean, bitter and hateful. Extremely hateful. I wish suffering and death on everyone who's ever caused me pain, I wish they would all just fucking die.
I can't change my past and the stupid things I did and the stupid ways I reacted to the bullying. I can't change the strange things I was unwittingly exposed to at a young age, heavily relying on unrestricted internet access without anyone's knowledge to preserve my sanity, to make me feel less alone. I'm grateful to the web for shaping my humor and introducing me to franchises and media that brought me joy, but I also feel deep regret for the things I really had no buisness seeing and people I had no buisness speaking to between age 12-14.
There's nothing I can do but trudge on. I wish I could make people forget about me so I could quietly slip away and maybe live my life in peace. It haunts me knowing people remember of my existence, me and the stupid shit I've done, the shitty things I've said, the emotional sensitivity passed down from my immature mother.
I want peace but I don't think I'll make it to 30, maybe not even 25. It feels I'm on a time limit, 22 with 2.5-8 years to go. I fear a gunshot to the head would hurt, I wonder if fent is more of a guarantee painless way to go. Less messy that's for sure. A big part of me feels I'll never be truly happy so as long as these memories exist within me. Everyday I wake up and it's a reminder that I'm a shitty person.
I'm just kinda rambling atp but it's better than nothing I suppose.
Every fucking night and day now it's random emotional flashbacks out of nowhere. I'll be trying to enjoy myself and bam. Memories of stupid cringe shit I did as a kid, the ways my mother used to criticize and judge me, as much denial as she would be in have I tell her what years of her emotional abuse did to me. Her voice is always in the back of my head.
Undiagnosed autism is a special kind of hell. Endless regrets, endlessly feeling and knowing that something was inherently wrong with me as early as preschool. I clearly wasn't like the other kids, I'm clearly not like other functioning adults. I'm mean, bitter and hateful. Extremely hateful. I wish suffering and death on everyone who's ever caused me pain, I wish they would all just fucking die.
I can't change my past and the stupid things I did and the stupid ways I reacted to the bullying. I can't change the strange things I was unwittingly exposed to at a young age, heavily relying on unrestricted internet access without anyone's knowledge to preserve my sanity, to make me feel less alone. I'm grateful to the web for shaping my humor and introducing me to franchises and media that brought me joy, but I also feel deep regret for the things I really had no buisness seeing and people I had no buisness speaking to between age 12-14.
There's nothing I can do but trudge on. I wish I could make people forget about me so I could quietly slip away and maybe live my life in peace. It haunts me knowing people remember of my existence, me and the stupid shit I've done, the shitty things I've said, the emotional sensitivity passed down from my immature mother.
I want peace but I don't think I'll make it to 30, maybe not even 25. It feels I'm on a time limit, 22 with 2.5-8 years to go. I fear a gunshot to the head would hurt, I wonder if fent is more of a guarantee painless way to go. Less messy that's for sure. A big part of me feels I'll never be truly happy so as long as these memories exist within me. Everyday I wake up and it's a reminder that I'm a shitty person.
I'm just kinda rambling atp but it's better than nothing I suppose.
