Parasitic
Tew
- Jun 16, 2023
- 34
So currently im being pushed into doing a job that I know is going to kill me mentally (I mentioned this during introduction) and most likely send me over the edge to ctb. Anyway during form options were included to include mental health and or disabilities and I've been forced to lie about not having any although I have a fair few heavily impacting issues.
Just not sure how I should feel about the situation, do I have a right to be annoyed about this? I know it could impact my chances in getting the job that I don't want but like I said its pushed into something thats going to control every aspect of my life (because thats how my brain works). All its done is sent me into a mental frenzy of now what are they gonna do when they see scars on my arms, how am I going to spin a lie about that? I'm going to have to go over the top masking all my issues out of fear of questioning and some stupid "are you feeling okay today, you seem off" because you can only mask and bottle for so long before something slips. Now I have to think up more lies. What about when people realize I am incredibly introverted and share no common interests and I once again become the outcast weird person everyone refuses to speak too.
I am f***ing dreading every single stage of this to the point I feel like im about to throw up. I know how its all going to play out like mentioned above and its going to drive me to ctb so heavily considering just drinking a bunch, popping a couple sleepers and attempt partial hanging. Way im viewing it is I ctb in the next couple days or a few weeks from now after experiencing another repeat of what got me to this stage in life.
Sorry for venting, just struggling and needed somewhere to be honest again
Just not sure how I should feel about the situation, do I have a right to be annoyed about this? I know it could impact my chances in getting the job that I don't want but like I said its pushed into something thats going to control every aspect of my life (because thats how my brain works). All its done is sent me into a mental frenzy of now what are they gonna do when they see scars on my arms, how am I going to spin a lie about that? I'm going to have to go over the top masking all my issues out of fear of questioning and some stupid "are you feeling okay today, you seem off" because you can only mask and bottle for so long before something slips. Now I have to think up more lies. What about when people realize I am incredibly introverted and share no common interests and I once again become the outcast weird person everyone refuses to speak too.
I am f***ing dreading every single stage of this to the point I feel like im about to throw up. I know how its all going to play out like mentioned above and its going to drive me to ctb so heavily considering just drinking a bunch, popping a couple sleepers and attempt partial hanging. Way im viewing it is I ctb in the next couple days or a few weeks from now after experiencing another repeat of what got me to this stage in life.
Sorry for venting, just struggling and needed somewhere to be honest again
