Venting not suicidal lately but still gonna ctb

[HotCheetoFries]

i've been thinking about my future A LOT lately. thinking about all the possible things i could do, career paths i could take, places i could live. all things and ways i could be happy! live my life the way i want (finally)! despite all this, i'm still going to ctb. i don't know when, but i've already planned everything out so i guess it's just whenever the mood strikes. part of me is scared and sad that i'll never live to see my dreams fulfilled, but i'll be dead so what does it matter. i guess it feels like more than anything ctb is a chore, something with both pros and cons but at the end of the day i MUST do, despite all i'll miss. earlier in the year i was going ctb but some stuff happened, and it was prevented, but even then i never knew how to write a note. how am i supposed to sum up all my feelings? everything i've been through? or would it better to just leave a list of requests upon my death? or nothing! if anyone has any tips for that sort of thing let me know! i don't know when i'll check replies (if there are any), but yeah. ok later ✌

 

[madbananas]

You can correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds like you're stuck in a limbo which must be horrible.

 

[BlockedMind]

I can understand how you feel. Even in moments of relief, you are still just expecting constantly for the next big torment to begin and you're constantly scared. Even if you want to get better, you can't, because every time you make some kind of improvement you are set back by the next terrible thing that comes onto your way. One thought is all it takes for you to go from a relatively positive state, to everything going to shit and to you suffering again. One thought is all it takes and that type of pressure is something that will break even the toughest people on this earth.

So even if you are feeling better now, you always know that things will most likely turn to shit again and it might be better to just CTB.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

My suggestion is to write the note you would want someone you cared about to write to you.

 

[HotCheetoFries]

yeah that's a really good way to describe it!

You can correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds like you're stuck in a limbo which must be horrible.

i might just do that, thanks for the suggestion

My suggestion is to write the note you would want someone you cared about to write to you.

precisely, i've always felt better know that the community here knows almost exactly what types of things im feeling, that's why i made an account! thank you for offering me a way to connect with like-minded people without causing panic.

I can understand how you feel. Even in moments of relief, you are still just expecting constantly for the next big torment to begin and you're constantly scared. Even if you want to get better, you can't, because every time you make some kind of improvement you are set back by the next terrible thing that comes onto your way. One thought is all it takes for you to go from a relatively positive state, to everything going to shit and to you suffering again. One thought is all it takes and that type of pressure is something that will break even the toughest people on this earth.

So even if you are feeling better now, you always know that things will most likely turn to shit again and it might be better to just CTB.

 

[muffin222]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this dilemma. I'm in the same position- limbo. It feels really shitty.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you peace and serenity

 

[HotCheetoFries]

thank u so much, i hope we both figure this out! much love

I'm sorry you're dealing with this dilemma. I'm in the same position- limbo. It feels really shitty.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you peace and serenity