Story Not ready for living

[SanguineShark]

I posted here a few days ago about how I bought SN with the intention to ctb soon, but I cancelled the order due to SI
It was like a wake up call, I'm suddenly seeing a completely different perspective of life, a more positive one I guess? I don't know if this will last long, but I'm panicking because I'm scared, I don't want to live, I was ready to die, my past half a year of life was a nightmare with never ending emotional torture
but I try to free myself and suddenly I'm ok? It feels like one of my delusional episodes, I just.. I can't.. it's hard to escape your comfort zone, and when you're suicidal for long enough, being suicidal becomes your comfort zone

 

[Cloud Busting]

Suicide absolutely becomes a comfort zone after awhile. Well said.

I fear my suicidal tendencies will come back as well. Since I've first embarked on my recovery journey almost 2 months ago, I have experienced setbacks. What helps me is to sit with the pain and not beat myself up for dipping a bit. That I was able to feel better- even if for a short portion of time only- motivates me.

I think fearing the return of depression is common. I know Sylvia Plath referred to this as the fear of being placed under the bell jar yet again in her only model.

I'm working on identifying early warning signs and developing coping skills so I can hopefully prevent a relapse.